Children picking their own teams

[Alifemoreordinary123]

AIBU to think this is old fashioned and not the best way to do stuff?

My DD struggles with school, she has some ND traits and finds the girls relationships and dynamics really hard. They’re doing a challenge at school and have asked the children to self select teams of between 3-6. Immediately, the popular extroverts were selecting their people, with all the others wanting to group with the popular ones. My daughter isn’t in these little groups and actually had her own idea for a project but no one wants to be in her team, consider her project or will listen to her. It’s basically a popularity contest.

I’m supporting her to acknowledge but dial down how hard this feels for her. She’s upset, not sleeping and generally this is making her feel sad. It’s not the most important thing in the world but it feels like one thing after another atm.

Is it unreasonable to expect schools to allocate groups in this day and age given that adults of old have fed back on mass that being left out is horrible and has a detrimental impact on confidence and input from less popular kids?

How old is she? I agree the teachers should make sure no one is left out, but whether they should prescribe teams depends on what age they are.

I think the teachers should select the teams. You can't chose your colleagues at work after all. They could think a little about balance of personalities then too. It doesn't help learning if the kids are just miserable about their self esteem.

She Is 8 (uk year 3). Out of interest, why do you think the age matters?

I agree with you Op. I think the school should be allocating the groups.

Oh God, I remember this. I was always the one left out, and it took me a long time to rebuild some self belief.

I would have hoped that things had moved on, but obviously not.

Thank you so much for your replies. I oscillate between this just being part of life she has to get used to and really, why the fuck are we still doing this to vulnerable children. Appreciate it.

In primary mine had a stick pick. All the children's names were on an individual lolly stick in a cup. Each "captain" picked a stick up and revealed a name. I would suggest to school they implement this method. The lolly stick method is used in classrooms for picking a child to answer the question rather than the same hands always going up so they may already have them.

I don't think you're being unreasonable - of course once you have friends in class it's the best thing to be able to pick - but I think teachers being the one to choose teams especially if they're a bit younger and clique-ish is a great solution. They should at least read the room, be more observant of their pupils and look out for the ones that are having more difficult time being sociable. I would be just as concerned if my dd experienced the same. If your dd is having a hard time making friends in general I read something that could be helpful https://weareluna.app/parents/guides/relationships/helping-teens-make-friends/ best of luck to you and your dd x

I agree, and the whole picking one person at a time thing is barbaric imo.

Can you imagine that happening with adults in a work situation- managers picking people to be on their team in front of everyone?

I wholeheartedly agree. The pickers get to pick all their pals and the quieter less popular tend to get picked last. I was never sporty in school so was always the last to be picked and the feeling of not being quite good enough is hard to shake off. I have children in an outside of school activity and the leader often gets two kids to pick their teams and my children, although popular, aren’t as into it as some of the other kids so are amongst the last to be chosen and my youngest said it stings. It’s bloody horrible.

I can remember the horrible stressful feeling of whether I’d be picked or not and it is so unnecessary. Why teachers are still doing this 30 years later is beyond me. I would be annoyed too, OP. Aside from anything else, being put into groups with people who aren’t your best friends is good for development into a rounded person who can get on with a variety of people. And you never know, you might end up liking those people who you wouldn’t have normally hung out with. It helps stop cliques getting out of hand. Honestly it’s just such basic good practice as a teacher that it makes me wonder at the teachers judgement

My 12 year old is similar. I have gone into the school year after year to ask that teams are chosen by the teacher and places on buses ect., are allocated by the adult in charge. All of this just chips away at her self esteem.

So cruel. How to make someone less confident.

I'd go and have a chat with the teacher.

It would be interesting if you could find out if this is currently an appropriate way of picking teams

Advice for your 8yr old might be rather different if your daughter was 17!

Because forcing teenagers into groups with people they don't get on with for long periods of time is not a good idea and will put them off trying to do the thing and cause unnecessary stress for less resilient students? Thinking of something like the Duke of Edinburgh expedition - I think this works well with people being asked to getting into groups where they can but with the facility to put others together where there isn't enough for a group.

With primary school children where they will be under the teacher's eye all the time, absolutely the teacher should sort out the groups (or at least reserve the right to change groups about if they don't look well sorted).

It is part of life and it isn’t fair but it is what it is - what I mean is this has already happened and isn’t going to change in this specific instance for your daughter.

Helping you daughter (like you are) to understand how to build resilience and not lawnmower the situation (not saying you are) will only help her in future.

Please also consider that saying your daughter has ND attributes doesn’t mean a diagnosis and she may just struggle with some things. It’s very normal kids will choose their own friends. That doesn’t make them wrong or extroverted or ‘popular’. It means people stay with their pack. Again very normal behaviour. You are also getting the view of an eight year old and her lens is hers - not wrong but may not provide the full
picture. I don’t see anything wrong with what has happened other than your daughter didnt gwt chosen and feels bad. Blaming the situation or other people being extroverted or popular isn’t nice.

I can’t believe you he teacher didn’t ensure everyone didn't eventually find a group. Is it just that your daughter didnt get the group she wanted?

I can remember always being last to be picked at every thing .
Can't believe schools still do that
Lazy teaching,I suppose it gives the teachers a couple of minutes peace while the kids dort themselves out .
It's just another way allowing bullying

YANBU Agree this is horrible and unfair. It's not just children your daughter's age.I used to teach undergrads and would always allocate groups as it made things less anxious and stressful for everyone. It wasn't about ND, it was about how I just appreciated that some people are more shy and didn't like to have to ask to join a group. Also how working with friends isn't always a good thing anyway - you need to be more diverse in interactions.

I agree that at that age, the teachers should be choosing the “teams”. They should be aware of how different children interact with each others, and there are ways to ensure that the children feel safe and supported within those groups

If they have to come up with their own ideas, if the teacher picked the groups loads of the children would be put in a group with a forceful personality and have to do something they were not interested in. Best to get people to write down what they would be interested in doing then others who are also interested go into same group. The teacher can always ask those not in a group which group/topic they are interested in joining. Making children do work.they won't enjoy pr work in a group they'd feel uncomfortable in is not the way forward. There needs to be so e autonomy with the teacher sorting out any children not in groups.

good grief, are people so precious? YABU

If the teacher was picking groups, then parents would complain that some children are with friends but theirs is left out in a group with non-friends

the popular extroverts were selecting their people, with all the others wanting to group with the popular ones.
I can't eye roll my eyes more, are adults still dividing kids between "popular" and "non popular" ones?

What about the "non popular non extroverts" who are more than happy to be with their own "non popular non extrovert" friend

Yes, kids to be fast to have a chance to join their friends, if it's only small groups. That's a good skill, they can't have adults holding their hands and directing for absolutely everything.

God I hate this about sports at school. I was usually the last to be picked and now my DS14 has to deal with it too. It's usually the popular kids who do the picking and end up choosing their mates. It's unfair and prevents kids from mixing with those that they wouldn't usually. It really stinks.

@Alifemoreordinary123 your instinct is correct, I'd say. Old fashioned and slightly mean. FWIW DS is a professional sports coach who works a lot with 7-10 year olds (albeit not in schools) and he never does this. HE chooses the teams before the lesson starts, as part of his lesson planning, and tells the children what the teams are at the start of the session

Wow quite a shitty reply from someone who this obviously never happened to. About an 8 year old. FFS.
I suppose that's why it perpetuates to the next generation.

For sports, yes, children shouldn’t pick their own teams.
For a school project, where ability is not clear cut, I would maybe leave an element of choice but with the teacher designating group leaders.

Asking school to assign seats on the school bus is however ridiculous.