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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that its unfair to exclude husbands/partners from local mother & baby play groups?

98 replies

Mine · 21/05/2008 21:08

I understand some of the reasons why they would not be welcome ie some women feel uncomfortable to bf in front of men in these groups, but then they bf in other public places (i've seen women bf'ing in starbucks on many occasions).

The idea is to get mum's and babies to socialise more, but isn;t is unfair to exclude partners from this too.....????

What if the main carer of a baby is male.....?
They would not be encouraged to attend.

The reason i ask is that my dh works shifts and will be taking care of ds on some days when i go back to work 9-5. I'd like ds to carry on playing with is baby friends so thought dh could carry on taking him to the baby group instead of me, but he was turned away when we went to a local baby group today.

He was really ticked off about it. Although he doesn;t want to make mums uncomfortable, he feels that dads are not really taken into account once baby is born ie no support groups, dad and baby groups etc.

Maybe in time this will change.....

OP posts:
cupsoftea · 21/05/2008 23:16

It should be called Parents & Baby Playgroup for starters or even just playgroup so it includes other relatives and child carers.

Cultural aspect should be respected imho if the group is called mums & baby. Any dad/partner etc should understand this.

jasper · 21/05/2008 23:19

ok I am off to form a catholic white lesbians and baby group because a couple of my cwl mates and me feel really uncomfortable around anyone who is not a cwl and it is our right to meet in a safe comfortable environment and screw the rest of the world who might want to join in.

WELL YOU CAN'T

wotulookinat · 21/05/2008 23:20

Mine, I understand your situation as it sounds similar to mine.
And I still don't think culture should come into it. Why should it be the dads who feel excluded? Why shouldn't the women who don't want men there feel excluded instead?

wotulookinat · 21/05/2008 23:21

lol at Jasper's group.

jasper · 21/05/2008 23:21

and you have to have six toes on each foot

wotulookinat · 21/05/2008 23:22

what about five on one but seven on the other?

wotulookinat · 21/05/2008 23:23

is breastfeeding allowed at your group? Or is it only if you are breastfeeding a child over the age of 27?

Original poster
Mine · 21/05/2008 23:23

It wasn;t that kind of group. It was just a bunch of 'normal' women.

jasper - lol ! that tickled me

OP posts:
jasper · 21/05/2008 23:24

sorry wot , that would make the six toed cwls feel unsafe .

You will have to form your own group

wotulookinat · 21/05/2008 23:25

Is there such a thing as a 'normal' woman? My DH didn't think so after going to the playgroups.

jasper · 21/05/2008 23:26

yes my mum is normal.

or she was till she said she would not go to family wedding unless I got ds's hair cut.

funnypeculiar · 21/05/2008 23:27

chuffing hell, mine, I am AMAZED that any normal M&T/P&T group would turn away dads - the one I go is pretty much run by a SAHD.

I do agree with you that father's are often left out of the picture/expected to have no emotional needs around parenting. A real shame imo. My dad has a real bugbear that this starts at the birth (partners chucked out immediately after birth etc), so i have been indocrinated

wotulookinat · 21/05/2008 23:27

my god, did he have that much hair that she wouldn't have fitted into the church (or wherever)?

madamez · 21/05/2008 23:28

OK, there is a bit of a difficult area with exclusive groups (whether it's p&t, sports or hobby groups), and it sometimes comes down to the fact that white men think they should be allowed into everything. WHile it is barbaric that adult women should be 'not allowed' to mix with other people in mixed-sex company, insisting that all groups and facilities be mixed sex doesnp;t help these already-marginalised and oppressed people, it just makes things worse for them. Where the facilities, whatever they are, can be made available to everyone for the majority of the time it's not unreasonable at all to reserve one or two slots in the week for a restricted group if that is the only chance this group has to make use of the facilities.

jasper · 21/05/2008 23:29

it's a BOY and I think mum thinks long hair on 6 yo boy = could be "turned" gay = might need own specialist parenting group when older

jasper · 21/05/2008 23:29

Oh yes, it's a church all right.

jasper · 21/05/2008 23:31

madamez surely the male oppressors of said women don't want them mixing with other men in case they might want to have sex with each other ?

So not like you to have any respect for that sort of view

wotulookinat · 21/05/2008 23:33

I shall go right now and discuss with my DH the prospect of him starting a playgroup for white men only.
It wasn't anything cultural that made him feel excluded. It was merely middle-class women who thought that a man shouldn't bring up a child. They didn't even like my DS going near their precious sprog. And their bloody tanks took up the whole car park. But the irritation caused by women who drive (and I mean 'drive' in the loosest possible terms) huge vehicles in which to ferry about one sickly looking dairy-intolerant but oh-so-gifted child is a whole other thread.

wotulookinat · 21/05/2008 23:35

I gathered it was a BOY, hence me calling him 'he'. I refer to your mother as 'she', meaning that she, your mother, must have been worried that she wouldn't fit into the church as your son's hair filled the place.
Did you get his hair cut before the wedding then?

nappyaddict · 21/05/2008 23:35

i can't believe he was turned away. dads are very welcome at ours!

jasper · 21/05/2008 23:36

wotyoulookinat I like your style.

Wanna come round to my house and drink wine and slag off poncy parents?

Madamez you can come too. I love all your sex chat.

I cut and pasted some stuff you wrote weeks ago to someone who had been snooping on their husband about not worrying about where he put his dick

wotulookinat · 21/05/2008 23:36

that's good to hear, nappyaddict
Or is it? Are the women all man-eater who want to steal other women's husbands?

jasper · 21/05/2008 23:39

off topic but here it is.

Quite brilliant.
From Madamez:

This is a miserable situation for you and I do sympathise. But what you need to do is concentrate on yourself, and on doing things that boost your self-esteem and make you feel good. You cannot make someone stay in a relationship with you, or remain monogamous, unless that person wants to remain in a monogamous relationship with you. And it's also sad but true that if you are saying to your partner 'please love me, please choose me, please stay with me' it is a bit off-putting: if you are cheerfully getting on with life, being friendly and civil to him but not spending any time worrying about what he thinks or is going to do, then not only do you actually become more appealing to him but (and this is the important bit) by acting as though you have a worthwhile life and more important things to think about than what he is going to do with his dick, the more you do it, the more you will believe it and the better you will feel.

jasper · 21/05/2008 23:40

sorry wot, I get it now.

Nah, of course I did not cut his hair

elkiedee · 21/05/2008 23:46

It might be too far away (I remembered that you're a bit north of me) but if your dh can make it into Wood Green the Jolly Babies group near Turnpike Lane - Monday afternoons - is very welcoming to dads as well as mums - there were at least 3 regulars in February. I'd also recommend looking out for activity groups - swimming, singing & music. It seems a pity that your dh was excluded but do try other groups. Children's Centre groups often have a contact number. Good luck/