How much do your partners cook? Maybe I’m expecting too kuch

[eynjln]

DH works full time, leaves home 8.30 comes back around 6. I’m either looking after our toddler, working (part time self employed), or cleaning, or cooking, or food shopping.

im pretty exhausted. I’ve asked DH to step up in the cooking department but he says he doesn’t know how to, and also because he doesn’t enjoy it (I used to but now I hate it). For reference, his ‘chores’ are:

• taking the bins out (I often have to remind him/ask)
• the dishes after I’ve cooked

he’ll cook maybe one lunch at the weekend, the same meal every weekend.

i can’t tell if I’m making a mountain out of a mole hill. He’s great and hands on with our toddler for the most part. I just really love to be looked after but I’m started to get irritated with doing the cooking. I also do all the house stuff (putting together furniture, sorting out repairs, insurance, etc). But then again he works full time and is out of the house waaay more than me! I’m wondering if my tiredness is just making me super resentful and I’m picking at things that are NBD

He has a long day but so do you. His chores are ridiculous. He needs to do more. You need to sit down with a list of jobs and share them out better. You’re at home and work part-time so not unreasonable that you do more than him but sounds as it he does virtually nothing. Once he gets in at 6pm, household chores should be evenly split after then as you’ve both had busy days. If you have work to do after 6pm then you need to take that into account and he should do more house or childcare jobs after 6pm if you’re working. If you don’t enjoy cooking then you need a serious discussion as to what you can do to make this better in terms of specifically sharing out cooking responsibilities more or perhaps changing the foods you eat. Maybe if you gave a break from cooking or feel more appreciated you’ll go back to enjoying cooking again.

I’m a stay at home mum of a toddler. My husband works part time, about 32 hours a week so he’s home by 3. He cooks the majority of the time, he does the bed and bath routine. I do most of the cleaning, he does all the home maintenance.

Of course we’re very lucky to manage on one part time wage so it may not be practical for someone working until 6 to cook dinner, unless they meal prep on weekends. But they need to be involved in other ways.

I think with this more traditional set up of mum at home with the child during the day and dad at work, you need to be proactive in making sure it doesn’t slip into mums job is everything at home all the time. My husband and I are a team and when we are both home we are both just as actively involved in parenting and we divide housework to what suits us.

We do equal amounts of cooking we both like to cook.

Not much, but he would be happier to rest very plain repetitive food, I like experimenting and trying new things. He does all of the hoovering, dusting, polishing, cleans the kitchen, cleans and washes up after dinner/dishwasher, he does all of the ironing. We split the laundry and I clean the bathroom, cook and do food shopping, he also does anything gross, cat litter, bins, blocked drain. I do all of the bills, finances, car tax, MOT, servicing etc and booking for DS' activities, wrap around care, buy DS' clothes and shoes, plan family holidays etc. He mows the lawn and does the patio/drive weeding and the tall pruning I can't reach, I do all of the planting, food growing, bed and pot weeding and the hedge cutting etc. we both work full time concerned 5 in 4 and share pick up and drop offs.
I don't think you have to do half of each thing as long as you feel it's evenly balanced overall.

OP, you honestly sound like a complete skivvy.
He works does the bins, cant change a nappy without help.
Huff and puffs doing one lunch and expects proper meals?

Do not have another child with this selfish man.
Make simple food for yourself and child and tell him to sort himself out.

He is extremely selfish.
He knows bloody well that cooking every day is a pain in the arse.

Fussy about his food and a greedy pig by the sounds of it? With his huge appetite.

Tell him crack on himself.
You need to assert yourself and definitely do not have a second with suchba selfish helpless demanding manchild.

Mind yourself.

So you're home all day but then you're DH gets back at 8pm and starts cooking your tea?

Both retired but previously both worked full time. Hubby cooks mostly, I might cook 1 dinner per fortnight. I will batch cook soups and bollognause for freezer.

DP does all the cooking. He enjoys it and is absolutely brilliant at it, whereas it stresses me out and all my meals taste of bland disappointment.

I'll do the washing up and cleaning and usually sort the food shopping once I'm presented with a list of ingredients. Often I'll keep him company in the kitchen and help out with the basic stuff I can manage, or wash up as he cooks. Teamwork and a good bonding experience.

I'm never sure why people don't batch-cook for a few days in one go, it saves so much time and energy. DP loves cooking and we both enjoy thinking about and eating food but who on earth has the time to think, prep and cook a brand new meal every single night after work? We've had a lasagne on the go since the weekend (with homemade pasta) and another is in the freezer for the future.

So you don't assign chores to particular people? Seems like this would create more problems than it solves. Assigned chores are for anyone living with other people, they're not for children. In various houseshares we had bathroom rotas and hoovering rotas. Living with DP we divvy up the chores to play to our strengths and conveniences.

all my meals taste of bland disappointment.

That’s almost poetic, you have a beautiful turn of phrase @gannett. Your content makes complete sense too.

My DH will often do this. Partly because although I’m at home I’m working, and after I’ve finished work I am looking after my disabled child/ferrying older children to hobbies/helping with homework etc, and partly because he enjoys cooking. Putting his earphones in and listening to podcast while cooking dinner (not just mine, his too!) is how he winds down after a day at work.

To answer your question as much as I want or he wants to. We genuinely share grocery shopping, figuring out what to cook, cooking and cleaning up equally or based on who has the most time of energy. It took a few years and quite a bit of arguing to get to that point

I would focus more on his me time during the busiest hour of family life. He needs to cook or look after DC, preferably take turns at both, and by himself! This is really the barest of bare minimums and working or having ADHD is not an excuse. Once everything for the family is done he can then have his decompress time and it's up to him to manage what needs to be done so he can have that. As you currently have to have time to work, after doing everything for everyone inc. him

Just tell him, you'll cook 4 (or 5ish) nights a week. The other nights are his responsibility. And don't provide anything for him or his meal. You can always have a sandwich if he doesn't make anything. And don't make him one!

If he hates cooking, you could make a list of jobs you don't like and he could pick from that instead (bearing in mind equivalent effort/unpleasantness) so bathroom cleaning + hoovering for example or sorting all the house/life admin. For the dishes could you get a dishwasher?

Or just have days where neither of you cook - scrounge tea, i.e. soup and sandwich or similar. This is what me and DP do all the time as we don't want a full meal every day and tbh can't be bothered.

No not at all, we are 2 full grown adults, we both just do what needs doing as and when it needs it. Bins get taken out when they are full. Dishwasher turned on when full, emptied by whoever is available when it's finished. The washing gets done when the basket is full.
We both work, but no little children to work around, but we do have a large family.
The we do cleaning as we go along.
We are both very different, and my husband puts stuff away as he uses it, I'm more of a leave it around and pick up later kind of person. He leaves my stuff for me to do later.
I tend to do more cooking than him, but that's generally because he comes home from work and does maintenance jobs on car and house while I cook. That's a routine rather than dedicated chore.
In our relationship we would feel very weird giving each other chores or "divvying" up anything, if it needs doing, it just gets done. I don't feel that either if us have any strength regarding particular cleaning or household tasks. It's just day to day living and doesn't need a label. It's the reason we get on so well I think. (Except when I drive him nuts leaning all the lights on)

I hate cooking Both really busy !!
DH will cook if bribed😉
older kids they were fed in school
now we have GYFO
hate cooking !!
I not keen on takeaway either

My X husband never cooked ... unless it was to man a BBQ because 'men cook with fire' (cue beating of chest).

I caused it to be fair. When we got married and bought our own home, I wanted to play house and do all the chores .... and he discovered that he quite enjoyed doing naff all.

I think it is right that he should cook, at least a few times a week to give you a break. You don't expect a 3 course dinner but anyone can slam a pie and chips in the oven.

Pretty much, yes. Perhaps a little more help on weekends, or you could hire help.

I do about 95% of the cooking in our house. I enjoy it and I’m better at it (DP can only cook from a specific recipe whereas I’m very good at improvising from whatever we’ve got). I also do pretty much all the cleaning, all garden jobs and all the DIY type things. DP does all the laundry, the bins, all the household admin/finances, all the driving (I can’t drive) and all the planning and organising of holidays etc. He also pays for far more than I do.

DP and I both work full-time though, partly at home and partly in the office, and have no kids, so our situation is different from yours.

We split it evenly and always have. He doesn't enjoy it. You now hate it. Tell him he's cooking 50:50 form now on an if he doesn't know how there is this thing called YouTube that will be able to teach him.

My dh does the lions share of the cooking as he works shifts and cooks whilst I’m still at work (I wfh), so we can sit and watch when I’ve finished work. He goes to bed early as he starts early so it suits him to eat early. I’m not complaining as I clear up, put the pots in the dish washer and he unloads the dishwasher before going to work. We share the housework, he does lawn mowing and I do the gardening, he does the diy I do do the clothes washing. I think we’ve got it pretty much spot on

What chores she hates that he currently does do you suggest she takes over in exchange? 50/50 doesn’t necessarily mean half of each task, most people play to their strengths and split the whole of the work of maintaining a household fairly. I wouldn’t be prepared to eat rubbish food half the time just to make it fair.

I wouldn’t be prepared to eat rubbish food half the time just to make it fair.

That's what DP said the one time I ventured that him cooking 100% of our meals wasn't fair on him 😂 (I wasn't being sincere at all in volunteering to cook more and had hoped he'd say something like that)

I would if I hated cooking. She hates it too. And it doesn't sound like he does his fair share chore wise to begin with.