WIBU to get pregnant when my husband is unemployed?

[Yellowsofa267]

I'm 36, DH and I have a good number of IVF embryos stored and were planning to have one transferred when he lost his job at Christmas. He's been struggling to find a new one and is talking about retraining/taking a lower pressure role but nothing has materialised yet.

Would it be crazy to just try getting pregnant now? We have enough savings to cover me to have 9+ months of work (with an emergency fund put by) then my wage does cover our living expenses with a little bit of spare. We both feel it would be nice to have something positive to look forward to, and hopefully he would find some sort of work eventually. I'm just fed up of our lives being on hold.

Your not getting any younger op so I can see why your fed up of waiting. It's a tough one as there's no right time to get pregnant. It's not really an ideal situation to be considering bringing a baby into as they are expensive.

Its been 6 months nearly since Christmas surly there is some job he can take so he's bringing in some money to the household??

If you have money saved and he at least gets any job then with your age I don't think your totally crazy especially as there's no guarantees pregnancy will happen straight away

I wouldn’t.

He’s had almost 6 months to find a job of some form, he could have taken something at any level just to be bringing money in and to be doing something.

I'd crack on. You don't know how easy it will be to get pregnant, even with an IVF embryo, so I wouldn't hang around. If push came to shove he could find any old job to tied you over as you have good funds anyway.

Can you afford to live with a baby on your salary? Do you think he'd be a good main parent when you went back to work? Is he doing most of the house work now while he's not working?
It feels quite a risk, because babies bring a lot of change and expose weaknesses in relationships, but opportunities to have babies are quite limited.

Have the baby

The rest will work itself out.

If you were younger or not needing IVF I would have said otherwise.

But I wouldn't wait.

Well, he doesn't want to work, or he would be working, even if shelf stacking.

So you need a plan: if you would both be happy with you working and him being a SAHP, then fine, go ahead.

Otherwise if you are planning on having a baby, spending your money and then living on benefits, most people would find it a bit unreasonable.

I wouldn't. Which is to say I did and it really didn't work out. DH got a job abroad and I wasn't mobile enough to follow and ended up alone taking care of a 6 week old baby recovering from birth (which is harder in your late 30s) with no support. I'd give it at least a year to see if he can find something permanent that will support you both. Remember it's not just the 9 months, you're going to need money for childcare after that as well if you want to return to work, unless the plan is for him to be a SAHD.

Just seen you are 36. Assuming you don't already have children I'd say go for it you don't have time to spare at 36.

(awaits responses from mumsnetters to say they conceived at 47)

Yes you’d be crazy. Why would you deliberately put both of you under a ridiculous amount of financial pressure. He needs to up his job finding efforts. Your time will come but this isn’t it. It would be very irresponsible.

This.
Having gone through IVF I wouldn't wait around. Each cycle takes a while to do, and also I believe the chances of the embryos surviving the thaw decreases as time passes.

Think ten years ahead - would you regret not having that baby.
Conceiving and pregnancy will only get harder if you leave it.
If he doesn't get a job you will have to return to work a bit earlier and he can be a sahd.

If he’s actively trying to get another job (I.e not lazy and likely to be long term unemployed) then I’d crack on and do IVF, it could take a while anyway. If you do get pregnant and become too unwell to work will you still be able to get by financially?

If you were 20 I would say to hold off, but as you are 36 I would go for it.

You have enough money to survive.

Very worst case, your partner can get any old job just to make up the money.

I would go for it.

Does DH definitely want a baby? Seems crazy that he hasn't got any job to just help financially and make it possible to go ahead with IVF.

I wouldn't go ahead in this case.

The embryos are already there, it’s just a matter of thawing them and having them put back inside you.
I’d wait till he has a job.

That would be a really irresponsible thing to do.

I’d go for it. We are doing similar but im the one not currently working due to MH reasons and ASD related problems. Sometimes you have to prioritise things like this

Yes, I would TTC. Good luck, OP.

He hasn't got a job in 6 months! how hard has he been looking? Is he signed up to multiple job sites and spending hours looking as he is desperate to provide for his future family?
Or (the most likely scenario) has he had a quick look on Indeed and decided there are no jobs out there that are right for him (because he's a special little cookie)?
I would not get pregnant with a man that wasn't working, your savings will diminish rapidly on mat pay/one wage and if you have a large unexpected bill you are screwed! Do you want to have to go back to work a couple of months after giving birth because the boiler has spontaneously combusted?
I would give him 8 weeks to find a job or he would be out on his ear at this point.

My sister did this. Dbil had been made redundant and got a great payout so they decided to go for it. Except then he decided he wasn't going to go back to full time working again, and started to write books. She had to go back full time while he stayed at home with baby, being SAHD and writing his books evenings and weekends. She was SO resentful and jealous that he got to stay at home but also because it happened with no discussion.
Years later he does make a good salary from his book publishing and writing but it was very hard for her.

Has he not even tried Evri or Amazon? Surely you'd take any work going if there was a baby on the horizon. The longer he stays unemployed, the harder getting back to work will be.
I think there could be more to this than meets the eye.

If you're not paying for childcare then babies are quite cheap, I wouldn't miss the opportunity forever. By the time you have it implanted you're looking the best part of a year away. Don't holdback, so long as he will be a stay at home daddy until he gets a job.

Have the baby.

We were in a stable place, then DH lost his job when I was 5 months cause his old employers are cunts. Then he lost another job when baby was 5 months because they were also cunts (he didn’t do anything wrong, no need to judge. We won legally both times).

Shit happens. But you make it work.

Is he going to want to be a SAHD? Would you want that? 6 months is a long time to be out of work, what’s he doing with his time? Is he keeping a lovely home and making your meals or is he gaming or similar?

He’s already pitch rolling to have less pressure while presumably expecting you to go back ft with all of the responsibility that brings.

You know what your marriage is like better than we do so it’s your risk to take but it doesn’t sound great from here.

People saying he could have taken any job are being harsh. My husband was made redundant before Christmas. His redundancy lasted 3 months but he's been applying for literally anything and so far only had 3 interviews. He even applied for McDonald's. He's currently doing food deliveries but once u pay insurance and fuel it's a total waste of time. He's just about covering his car repayments but hasn't given me any money for bills.