Friend has a new bloke and has dropped off the face of the earth

[ForTealBird]

I have a friend who literally lives round the corner. She’s in her mid 60s and since I’ve known her has been mostly single since her last divorce to an abuser. I’ve been there, it’s not pretty. She was desperate for a man so went on another dating app and found a local guy who by all accounts seems to be decent. First date was Easter Monday. Since then she’s barely been in touch, not even gone for a dog walk. I went out for lunch with her Good Friday and invited her to ours for Easter Sunday lunch as her grown up kids were all away together. Seems like she was just using me as she was lonely. I’ve been trying to make an effort and contact her but she hasn’t suggested meeting up. I’ve been spreading my wings socially and it’s been nice to be honest. I’m torn between feeling pleased she’s got a nice bloke, worried in case she’s in another co-dependent relationship (I saw him driving them in her car yesterday while I was driving to work), and a bit hurt and pissed off that she’s done a Beverly Craven on me.

Oh she’s in the first flush of a new relationship after years alone

just let her be and to enjoy this time

she will come back when all calms down, but fgs let her have this without getting in an arse with her

You are worried she’s in a co dependent relationship because you saw him driving her car?

I've had this happen with a friend. I would talk to her about it and tell her how you feel. I think it's common when you get into a new relationship and get wrapped up in it but you still need to keep other connections alive.

I am guessing you’re single? And retired?

It’s her decision. It annoys me if friends do this too, but there is nothing you can do.

I’m not either actually. If you’d read my post you’d have seen I was driving to work yesterday. I’m in my mid 50s and getting married in September to my lovely long term partner. When we got together I still made time for my friends as it’s healthy. I am actually concerned as she has co-dependency issues but I always supported her with writing profiles online to help her attract the right kind of guy. It is hurtful to just be dropped. She’s been along to a lot of my family events but she’s never reciprocated with an invite to her family things.

True @cramptramp In the meantime I’m busy doing stuff with other friends and it’s been really nice. She knows where I am. My sister is in her mid 70s and after she was widowed she had a nice group of friends. She met someone before lockdown and never sees the friends now. Just pisses me off seeing women putting men at the centre of their world.

@GroovyChick87 she’s the sort of person who is not very self aware and I just know she’d be defensive. But in an ideal world that’s what I’d do too

I would just have to make my feelings known about it. Try to arrange something specific with her and see what she says. After that I'd let her get on with it.

She's not dropped off the face of the earth. It's only been a couple of months, after being single for a long time by the sounds of it, so let her have some fun being swept up in the first flush. Never heard of Beverley Craven, but I'd stick to being pleased for your friend and not reading anything in to him driving her car. Enjoy the summer with your other friends and see how things go.

Just looked up BC and see she did that Promise Me song, don't really get it - you mean she's being Beverley Craven singing that to you so you'll wait for her? I think it's a bit over-dramatic, as is the co-dependency fear and the putting men at the centre of her life etc. It's just an early relationship thing. If it goes on indefinitely, that's a different matter and fair enough to be cheesed off with her, but Easter really wasn't that long ago.

Beverly Craven wrote a song about her best friend dropping her for a new man.

OP it sounds saddening but leave her to it.

Ah okay, thanks for explaining, that one's passed me by.

My sister was widowed in her early sixties and remarried. She has pretty much ignored everyone for 3 years now and has upset a lot of us. We used to chat once a week, now it’s every 3 months. He has been very unwell over the last 3 months and she is caring for him. Eggs in one basket is always daft. My younger relative put it succinctly, when he dies she will be back.

I think it’s fine to put your partner at the centre of your world but it’s not fine to drop all your friends.

It used to piss me off when it all went wrong and then they’d be back wanting to use me for a social life.

@pinkdelight She sang another song about “every time you get a new boyfriend we don’t see you for weeks on end “ basically until it all goes wrong and they need you again. Until the next time 😂

I think it’s pathetic when people do this and probably a big part of the reason there are so many threads on here from posters saying they don’t have any friends.

not sure what you can do about it though, other than concentrate on other friendships. If she gets in touch I’d probably let her know it’s not cool.

So it is ok for her to dissapear till she needs help the op helps her then she disappears again for the next bloke and so it continues and this is healthy?

I am not sure you have been dropped. She is in the first flush of a new relationship, but Easter was only just over a month ago - when you last saw her. If it had been four months or more, maybe. Can't you just pop round and see her? Do you message her and suggest a coffee?

@ViciousCurrentBun sad, isn’t it? I consider my DH to be in everything and likewise and we’re a great partnership but we both have outside interests and it’s healthy. Having been through the horror of an abusive controlling marriage I was keen to be in an interdependent relationship

@GreenCandleWax I’ve been set aside. I’ve sent her messages about dog walking or catching up as it’s been ages and she replies yep it has. The only question she asked me recently was where do we get our firestick from as she’s cancelling Sky 🤣 gotta laugh really. Oh and she’s posted on the dog Mum WhatsApp this morning about voting for her in something.

@CharlotteLightandDark is a bit immature yep. Not seen many of the other threads as quite new here but is a sad fact of life.

Been there. Helped a friend after a bereavement, introduced her to new friends, invited her out to places, listened and supported her. As soon as she met a new bloke, she was engaged within 6 months and wed within the year. I wasn't even invited to the wedding. She rarely ever sees her own family now. I am very LC with her now. Once bitten..

Totally not the point, but I had that Beverly Craven album on cassette and loved it. Woman to woman is a great song.

Why would you have thought this?