Friend has a new bloke and has dropped off the face of the earth

[ForTealBird]

I have a friend who literally lives round the corner. She’s in her mid 60s and since I’ve known her has been mostly single since her last divorce to an abuser. I’ve been there, it’s not pretty. She was desperate for a man so went on another dating app and found a local guy who by all accounts seems to be decent. First date was Easter Monday. Since then she’s barely been in touch, not even gone for a dog walk. I went out for lunch with her Good Friday and invited her to ours for Easter Sunday lunch as her grown up kids were all away together. Seems like she was just using me as she was lonely. I’ve been trying to make an effort and contact her but she hasn’t suggested meeting up. I’ve been spreading my wings socially and it’s been nice to be honest. I’m torn between feeling pleased she’s got a nice bloke, worried in case she’s in another co-dependent relationship (I saw him driving them in her car yesterday while I was driving to work), and a bit hurt and pissed off that she’s done a Beverly Craven on me.

Ah well at least she has met some one who is not bitching about her on SM/MN unlike her old friend.

Leave her to it op she having fun making up for lost time.

@skymagentatwo I guess you’ve never experienced this? Thanks for your valuable insight. So you come on here to be supportive or just snarky? Nice one

Well if your so sure of yourself, why don't you email your friend a link to this post of yours on MN and lets see how she feels about you posting about her?

You’re right to be concerned. I’m guess you’re worried he’s controlling and keeping her from her friends. She may not even realise this was the case.

Just keep extending invites for coffee, and then leave the ball in her court. Let her know you there fur her.

I have a friend like that too. She was so a good friend all the time she was single, since she found this bloke I've been dropped like a stone - nice.

@Gundogday I am pretty much LC now as I’ve made all the overtures. I guess we’re not all the same. What she does is different to me. I’ve had bitter experience of being isolated from friends and family which is why I value them but have to face facts she may not feel the same and was just marking time until she met a bloke. It happens. Or as you say he may be coming on so strong he’s not giving her time to meet her friends. She said she wanted to take it slow but from Day 2 she’s apparently seen him every day

A lot of them about @Gettingbysomehow 😞

I get where you are coming from and it’s not nice to feel dispensable or sidelined.

BUT it’s only been a month since Easter. I couldn’t be annoyed with a friend for not finding time to see me since Good Friday.

I think this is an overreaction which is more about you and inclination towards feelings of rejection.

OP what's she's doing doesn't sound sensible or thoughtful but you're not responsible for her. I don't mean this in a telling off way but in a don't feel guilty/worry way.
Yes she may be back to old habits but while you were friends she learnt about genuine relationships and she's decided she wants to be constantly with this new man. It would annoy me at first to see it but then no-one owns another person and we're all free to make choices.
I'm glad you are busy with life, I'd let go of worrying about her.

I'd focus on this bit:

I’ve been spreading my wings socially and it’s been nice to be honest.

And know that you don't have to drop everything to be there for her if it does go wrong. She's well old enough to have worked out that dropping friends for a bloke is self-sabotaging as well as shitty behaviour.

@Dangermoo that is so sad. I suppose it depends on whether it was a very small family only wedding but that must have hurt. You sound like a good friend. Hopefully you have other friends who appreciate your caring nature and don’t use it as a means to an end

@TryForSpring you are right. We’re part of a dog walking group of Mums that we’ve been out on dinners with before and having thought about it she’s managed to alienate most of them by being quite outspoken and thoughtless after a few wines. The last time we went out as a group she was nasty to the serving chap as he didn’t bring her some Parmesan for her risotto. I believe he had learning difficulties and the manager had to serve us as he was too upset. I told her at the time she shouldn’t say what she did. Oh and two of the ladies are widowed and she made a comment about “do you miss having a man in your life” and then wonders why they have all backed off. Maybe not such a great friendship?

@Enough4me spot on. Thanks for that - I should let her make her own mistakes and if she asks for advice in future I will be wary of giving it.

She doesn't sound like much of a loss as a friend, I can't be doing with people who are rude to waiting staff, I think it says an awful lot about them.

@diddlydooda we were all really taken aback. The poor guy - she referred to him using a phrase I haven’t heard anyone use for decades and not going to repeat it here. Basically indicating he was mentally deficient. I asked one of the ladies confidentially if we’d ever go out as a group again and she said she doubted it because of the outburst and tactlessness which was a shame as they’re a lovely bunch and I can hardly arrange something and not invite her.

You absolutely CAN arrange an outing/meet-up and not invite her!
You do not answer to her or anyone else who you can be friends with.
You are a grown-up!

She sounds a nightmare. Enjoy the peace!

Oxytocin is powerful stuff. It'll settle eventually.

Let it be, she’s just excited and probably a little bit in love. Don’t take it personally.

I just read your updates, be grateful she’s occupied and go out with your other mates.

Because you want them to put you “at the centre of their worlds” 😆

@2sometimes3 errr. Not at all. Why would I want that when I can’t reciprocate? Make time for your partners, make time for your friends. It’s healthy.
Co-dependency is very unhealthy.

Wow. That’s nasty. What a hateful person you must be. Isolated from family and friends because I was in a violent and abusive and controlling marriage where I wasn’t allowed to see most of my family and friends. Which is why you nurture your friendships and feel hurt when people drop you for a bloke. Hope you never have to go through that - or maybe that’s your kind of behaviour? You sound like a proper narcissist and they don’t have proper friends. Over and out. Please don’t anyone bother to post anymore. I can do without this kind of comment.

final update: out walking with a nice friend this morning who has a very busy life and still manages to make time for me and bumped into the friend with the boyfriend. She actually knows him from when his wife was alive and says he’s a good one. That makes me feel happier. They’re wrapped up in each other so LC now as she didn’t say see you soon so whatever. See you all NEVER