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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend has a new bloke and has dropped off the face of the earth

60 replies

ForTealBird · 03/06/2025 08:32

I have a friend who literally lives round the corner. She’s in her mid 60s and since I’ve known her has been mostly single since her last divorce to an abuser. I’ve been there, it’s not pretty. She was desperate for a man so went on another dating app and found a local guy who by all accounts seems to be decent. First date was Easter Monday. Since then she’s barely been in touch, not even gone for a dog walk. I went out for lunch with her Good Friday and invited her to ours for Easter Sunday lunch as her grown up kids were all away together. Seems like she was just using me as she was lonely. I’ve been trying to make an effort and contact her but she hasn’t suggested meeting up. I’ve been spreading my wings socially and it’s been nice to be honest. I’m torn between feeling pleased she’s got a nice bloke, worried in case she’s in another co-dependent relationship (I saw him driving them in her car yesterday while I was driving to work), and a bit hurt and pissed off that she’s done a Beverly Craven on me.

OP posts:
CourageConsort · 04/06/2025 09:31

ForTealBird · 04/06/2025 09:20

Wow. That’s nasty. What a hateful person you must be. Isolated from family and friends because I was in a violent and abusive and controlling marriage where I wasn’t allowed to see most of my family and friends. Which is why you nurture your friendships and feel hurt when people drop you for a bloke. Hope you never have to go through that - or maybe that’s your kind of behaviour? You sound like a proper narcissist and they don’t have proper friends. Over and out. Please don’t anyone bother to post anymore. I can do without this kind of comment.

final update: out walking with a nice friend this morning who has a very busy life and still manages to make time for me and bumped into the friend with the boyfriend. She actually knows him from when his wife was alive and says he’s a good one. That makes me feel happier. They’re wrapped up in each other so LC now as she didn’t say see you soon so whatever. See you all NEVER

Show quote history

But, respectfully, why are you still harping on this, when you've spent the entire thread elaborating on why she's a deeply not-nice person, who is routinely unpleasant to others and alienates people?

It's like that old joke about the new restaurant where one person says 'The food was so bad!' and the other complainer says 'And such small portions!'

Someone who is not very nice is less available to you.

sonjadog · 04/06/2025 09:33

I don't think she is behaving well and that she is rather silly and immature to dump her friends for a new boyfriend, but at her age she is unlikely to change, so I think you just have to accept it is what it is. As others say, if they break up she will be back. Personally, I wouldn't be interested in taking up a close friendship with someone who behaves like this again. I would take a step back, and make her one of a wide circle of friends, rather than a close friend.

U53rn8m3ch8ng3 · 04/06/2025 09:35

Thatfirstcoff · 03/06/2025 08:35

Oh she’s in the first flush of a new relationship after years alone

just let her be and to enjoy this time

she will come back when all calms down, but fgs let her have this without getting in an arse with her

This is what I was thinking, sounds likes she's in the honeymoon period of an exciting new relationship, you're not her first priority now and there's actually nothing wrong with that.

RentalWoesNotFun · 04/06/2025 09:50

I’d just leave the door open. With one last text. My choice of message would be something like:

” Im glad you’ve met xxx and are having a great time. I remember what it’s like but surely you can make one hour for the two of us to do coffee with at xxx cafe? One hour.
You’ve got the rest of your life to be with xxx!
So how about Tuesday at 11am or Wednesday at 10am? Let me know.He can always come pick you up after and I can meet him if you want. Up to you but don’t forget me!”

If she doesnt reply then honestly I’d be a bit worried she didn’t want me to meet him. Perhaps because she’s buying his love (hence cancelling sky as shes skint from paying for clothes and dinner dates and other gifts and stuff for him) and she knows I’d see through it. Or it could just be shes loved up and hes great. But I’d fear she was keeping me from him for a reason.

After from the convo with the waiter I’d not be too sure id want her friendship though. Perhaps shes embarrassed she did that and youre a reminder. She should be. That’s awful. The poor young man couod gave been really affected by that. I hope he’s ok and still able to work.

TryForSpring · 04/06/2025 10:27

RentalWoesNotFun · 04/06/2025 09:50

I’d just leave the door open. With one last text. My choice of message would be something like:

” Im glad you’ve met xxx and are having a great time. I remember what it’s like but surely you can make one hour for the two of us to do coffee with at xxx cafe? One hour.
You’ve got the rest of your life to be with xxx!
So how about Tuesday at 11am or Wednesday at 10am? Let me know.He can always come pick you up after and I can meet him if you want. Up to you but don’t forget me!”

If she doesnt reply then honestly I’d be a bit worried she didn’t want me to meet him. Perhaps because she’s buying his love (hence cancelling sky as shes skint from paying for clothes and dinner dates and other gifts and stuff for him) and she knows I’d see through it. Or it could just be shes loved up and hes great. But I’d fear she was keeping me from him for a reason.

After from the convo with the waiter I’d not be too sure id want her friendship though. Perhaps shes embarrassed she did that and youre a reminder. She should be. That’s awful. The poor young man couod gave been really affected by that. I hope he’s ok and still able to work.

Jesus, no! That message is basically begging.

CourageConsort · 04/06/2025 10:54

TryForSpring · 04/06/2025 10:27

Jesus, no! That message is basically begging.

Show quote history

Yes, and it would be particularly odd to beg for the company of a woman whom the OP has spent a lot of this thread telling us isn't at all nice.

Coffeequota · 04/06/2025 14:11

I would be so happy for my friend in your shoes

and completely accept that she’s in the first flush of a new romance after years alone… and to give her a lot of grace!

Coffeequota · 04/06/2025 14:12

CourageConsort · 04/06/2025 10:54

Yes, and it would be particularly odd to beg for the company of a woman whom the OP has spent a lot of this thread telling us isn't at all nice.

Show quote history

Classic mumsnet “friendship”

A “friend” but has no resemblance to what i consider a friendship ie someone that I genuinely like and care about

CourageConsort · 04/06/2025 16:24

Coffeequota · 04/06/2025 14:12

Classic mumsnet “friendship”

A “friend” but has no resemblance to what i consider a friendship ie someone that I genuinely like and care about

Show quote history

Indeed. 'Friend' often appears to mean 'someone I know but dislike' on here.

Crikeyalmighty · 04/06/2025 16:29

I’ve been your friend OP and it’s a very poor idea in my opinion long term to make someone the be all and end all - learnt my lesson

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