Good friend totally blanking me wwyd?

[Forestbathing12]

I have a close set of friends of 10yrs plus. Getting through the nitty gritty of life together and proper friends. Or so I thought.

2yrs ago friend A’s husband walked out on her and 4 kids. She found out they had huge debts, and she is left virtually penniless. We have all consoled and comforted her for countless nights and days, rallied around her since it happened.

We live on the same road in the same town, and our houses went on the market at the same time just by chance because of the separation (ours was planned) . We are moving to a bigger house closer to our local city for dc but not far.

My house sold in just under a week, and her house is still unsold. She seems constantly angry with me now, making PA comments and just being awful. Friend B is definitely being strange too. friend C is completely fine.

Now she has stopped talking to me altogether. I don’t understand the issue and she won’t talk about it. I haven’t been divorced before, so maybe this is a natural stage. Can anyone advise?

If you were good, genuine friends, can you ask her directly WH she seems to have changed towards you ?

On the face of it, it seems she is struggling and feels a bit resentful that things seem to be gong well for you. It's not logical but some people are like that.

If I valued the friendship, I might send a text to say I'm sorry if I've done something to upset you. I'm here if you need me. Then leave it with her.

It's not very nice but you can't make her talk to you. You can only control how you react. Sorry you seem to be on the receiving end of her issues.

I have already messaged her and she doesn’t respond but is still seeing other friends. It does feel like resentment.

This is not nice OP I definitely empathise

Do you think she’s slagging you off to Friend B?

Sounds like she's been consumed with bitterness.
Very unfair of her to treat you like this. I wouldn't be contacting her again if she's ignored your messages.
She might come running back at some point, it's up to you whether you'd listen to what she has to say then.

Can you ask mutual friends to find out? Failing that if she's a good friend I would probably doorstep her with a bottle of wine one. Night and have a frank chat.

She sounds like she can't cope with the jealousy she feels. You've done nothing wrong. Are you able to speak to friend C about it all or would it be weird? x

Friend B said she is finding it impossible to adjust, didn’t refer to me directly but hinted that I needed to be more understanding, but I have been understanding. I have thought about just turning up, but if it is jealousy or resentment it’s unlikely to help.

I'd just stay away for now.

If she won't respond to your messages, and if your other friends cant shed light on why...I would just give her space.
It's hurtful, but if someone wants to stop contact, there is little you can do for now.

Sod that for a game of soldiers

You don't need this drama, just move on

Does she think you shouldn’t have put your house on the market until she sold hers? I don’t think that’s a fair way to think but maybe that’s what she’s thinking?

If B has already hinted that you need to be more understanding, could you have been unintentionally rubbing her nose in your house move? You’ve made a point of saying here that you’re moving to a bigger house, do you talk about this with friends in front of her? Do you mention money, house size, better location, etc? I’ve got a genuinely lovely friend but she has no self awareness when having a little boast about her good fortune - we know what literally everything in her life cost her!

I would maybe send one more message saying you’re sorry if you’ve unintentionally upset her in some way or been insensitive but you care about her and here for her if/when she’s ready. Other than that I’d back off for a while and nip house talk in the bud completely.

Well there's a guy on another thread who thinks he should be investigated for cancer before his partner is (both got questionable results from tests) so I imagine this woman is his twin, who thinks you didn't deserve to sell your house first and is making you pay for it.

I wouldn't bother trying to win her round - she's really not your friend.

I haven’t mentioned anything about my house, or my new one quite deliberately. I would never be insensitive like that. Perhaps there was a quiet expectation that I would set our moving plans aside to help her, perhaps I should have done? Would you have done? Given her the best chance?

I definitely think there were some comments that referenced the fact this would have made it so much harder for A to sell, I agreed at the time it didn’t help, but we were not able to wait another year. Where we live the housing market is very seasonal. Mainly spring market.

I don’t know how I can repair a friendship I haven’t broken.

Well, tough tits if her house had competition. What, because she gets divorced, you’ve got to cut your leg off?

Nah.

If you’ve already reached out once, I’d leave it for a bit. She either gets a grip/gets over herself or she doesn’t. I agree that you can’t fix something you haven’t broken.

She can’t be everyone’s mood hoover.

No, I wouldn't have not sold my house on the off chance that any potential buyer would have bought hers instead. That's lunacy.

If you haven't spoken about your plans in front of her, then all you can really do is exactly what you have done. Send her a nice message, try to repair whatever the problem is, and let her know you are there when she is ready to reconnect.

But other than that, leave well alone. I had a neighbour some years ago who's marriage broke up and she became extremely bitter. It became hard to remain supportive when all I heard was the same complaints and justifications over and over again. My battery ran down and I just couldn't get it recharged!

Good luck with your move.

I really can’t see what selling your house has to do with her situation? I think the friend saying about being more understanding is to just accept shes being a bit off now.

I can empathise with someone in that position but to be honest she needs all the friends she can get at this present time!

Shes not thinking straight but you don’t have to bear the brunt of it, and your other friends should be saying this to her too. Crack on with your moving. If she’s a real friend she will come round but for now..

Keep a low profile.

People are bloody weird sometimes!

The bitterness has only got worse, she has become openly hateful of so many things. It is just chewing her up. I thought it would get better with time but it’s getting worse.

I guess I am worried I might lose friend B. It all feels quite toxic, it’s never been like that with any of us. My instincts is to leave them to it, but wonder if this is wise? I have zero capacity for drama rn.

I went through similar with a friend. We actually both went through relationship break downs at the same time. Both long term, kids involved etc... initially we supported each other through it but as time went on my friend started to get really bitter about her situation. She seemed to resent me because in her mind I had it easier. Don't know why she thought that because it really wasn't true. I think because she was so unhappy in her own life she couldn't be happy for anyone else. And for some reason focused her unhappiness on me. I became her emotional punching bag.

We haven't talked in years. You can't be friends with someone who resents you. Especially when you've done nothing wrong.

I am sorry you have been through similar, it’s really confusing as I still feel the same for her, but her resentment is consuming her and making it so difficult. In her mind she has lost the life she thought she would have. It is a bereavement but the level of hatred towards ow is off the scale. The other issue is that ow and I oddly look very similar, we don’t know each other, but she is often quite unkind about my hair colour, and clothes etc. I saw it at first as just her dealing with her grief and overlooked it, but now it feels targeted. Personal.

She can't possibly expect you to take your house off the market because she wants to sell hers. She could ask you for help and advice if she wants to present hers ready for selling but it's ludicrous if she thinks you shouldn't sell.

I think she did expect this. In hindsight she spent a lot of time telling me how to sell and not to worry (I was worried because there is such a short market here to sell)

She has always considered her house superior to mine because it is bigger and is quite grand in fact. So the expectation was that mine would be the issue. It’s a little scruffy in comparison.