Good friend totally blanking me wwyd?

[Forestbathing12]

I have a close set of friends of 10yrs plus. Getting through the nitty gritty of life together and proper friends. Or so I thought.

2yrs ago friend A’s husband walked out on her and 4 kids. She found out they had huge debts, and she is left virtually penniless. We have all consoled and comforted her for countless nights and days, rallied around her since it happened.

We live on the same road in the same town, and our houses went on the market at the same time just by chance because of the separation (ours was planned) . We are moving to a bigger house closer to our local city for dc but not far.

My house sold in just under a week, and her house is still unsold. She seems constantly angry with me now, making PA comments and just being awful. Friend B is definitely being strange too. friend C is completely fine.

Now she has stopped talking to me altogether. I don’t understand the issue and she won’t talk about it. I haven’t been divorced before, so maybe this is a natural stage. Can anyone advise?

Your life is currently going smoothly in ways that lend themselves to direct comparison with ways hers is not. That’s not your fault and it’s not something you should apologise for, but I don’t think it’s that difficult to understand why she might find it difficult being around you at the moment.

If it’s a friend you really care about I’d send a brief message saying you’re getting the impression she needs some space at the moment and you respect that, but you love her and you miss her and you’d be glad to hear from her when she’s ready. And then leave the ball in her court.

But if her house was so superior to yours, why wouldn't she think it would be snapped up well before yours? I don't like the sound of her at all! Were you selling for a lower price than she wanted?

We were told to be ambitious with the price by the EA at least at the beginning, so we followed their advice and got a good price.

She has now had to drop the price by around £300K and as it’s being divided this is a problem. This is probably why she is struggling, as every time they drop the price she can see things getting worse. Maybe it’s just too much for her atm. I have sent exactly that msg already. She didn’t reply,

It must be incredibly stressful for her but she shouldn't take it out on you.

Unfortunately this is probably the end of the friendship. You can leave your doors open just in case but don’t hold your breathe.

And that makes me so sad. But maybe she needs a new start? A fresh chapter and mo more reminders of her old life as such.

Give her space. My friend had awful time personally. Her texts got really nasty. I think in your case its jealousy. So I wouldnt reach out.. I lost that friend no regrets as felt she always put me down over the years

There are some people who always see comparisons. You have the slim woman who's unhappy when her friend loses weight, the woman who hates it when her colleague gets promoted, the single or unhappily-partnered woman who hates it when her friend is happily married. Is your friend the sort who was like this before?

Just leave it for a bit. She isn't jealous as such, she's sad and resentful that she's going through it and everyone else's life seems to be going swimmingly. Unfortunately that focus is on you because of the timings of your house sale. You couldn't or shouldn't have changed anything so don't make it about you. Just step back and let her come round eventually.

If I'm honest you seem a bit forensic about who is being nice to you and how her house sale is doing. Give her space. Your situations are directly contrasting. It's natural it's not making her feel great.

Yes quietly competitive. Not obvious at all, only if you listen carefully. The judgement around the way others live/values. This is liberty not Etsy type of passing comments that just showed a different side to the one presented, but a good egg I always thought. Maybe insecure at times.

I am being forensic because it is confusing, and I’m evaluating my own actions.

Typing this out I am now sure our lives are pulling in opposite directions. I need to let her do what feels better for her (with or without old friends) she has to find a way to live comfortably in her own skin, with a life she may not have chosen. I might be a constant reminder of what she has lost.
I have no doubt she will find a way forward but that may not be with me. Any longer.

Thank you 🙏🏼 it has truly helped.

Just enjoy your new house and let her get on with it. It's her problem to deal with.

She lived in a grander house and felt like Queen Bee, then her and H separated and they put their house on the market, the same time as you. Yours sold whilst she’s having to lower the price on her house and you’ve become the focus of her bitterness. Not only are you moving to a bigger house, you look similar to her stbxh’s gf. She’s comparing the direction her life is going compared to yours. You’ve done nothing wrong, you’ve messaged her offering your support but she can’t bare you, as she sees you living the life she should still have.
I would just say to friend B and C, that you’re being patient and wish the best for her and move on with your life. Don’t give it much thought because it doesn’t make sense to target you because her life is shit. Make new friends when you move and forget friend A.

If as you said, you have zero capacity for drama then just be OK with dropping the friendship

Most of your responses seem to be trying g to justify what may be the cause is not your fault or fair on you.

You absolutely have the right to feel like this but cannot control how others react. This person has shown you who they are so you know what to do for a drama free life

I know on MN people seem to cut others off effortlessly, but after many years of friendship and a bond it isn’t so easy to just cut them off and leave them to it. We have been close friends for a very long time, it isn’t easy to downgrade the friendship and step back.

I will be doing exactly that though, as it’s run its course for me at least. I won’t keep showing up for a friend that doesn’t appreciate the support and care she is given. The bitterness is too much even for me. She needed therapy but refused to have it, so this is where we are.

A friendship of mine from university mysteriously went downhill a few months after my DH and I bought our first home. I made the mistake of showing her the estate agent’s details, back in the days of paper details, just because I naively wanted to show her the picture.

We had done the same course at university, but she had deferred a year then enrolled immediately afterwards in a very expensive second degree, not completed that and dropped out. Throughout everything I had been supportive, but also worked 9-5 and then trained for a profession.

I think she suddenly became resentful that my life was moving forward. It was sad, because I enjoyed her company.

I think this might have more to do with you looking like the OW than you think, OP.

I dont have advice but empathise completely. I am in a similar situation where a lifelong friend has just withdrawn from me. No warning. I suspect there is jealousy/resentment but not divorce related. I dont know what I can do. I am not a braggy person, I dont flaunt things. If anything I play things down.

People are so shit at times. I've reached out, is everything OK? Yes just busy is all I get back. Its so hurtful. Yes we are all busy. If you want to find time though you will. If someone means something to you, you will make it happen.

I would maybe speak to friend C. Friend A hasn't the monopoly on these friends and explain what's happened. Her going through a divorce and house not selling is nothing to do with you. You sound like a lovely person.

I've had this. It's people you least suspect are quietly competitive. My best friend of 10 years stopped speaking to me, when I got a well paid job. Put my birthday present behind the bin (5 weeks late) even though I was clearly home. Really strange behaviour from her all round. I messaged to thank her but haven't heard from her in 3 months! Guess we no longer friends now.

OP, I would just walk away, you have done what you can to reach out and she is ignoring you. I have been in the same position.

I split up with my ex, and my best friend of 25 years started to be different toward me. I noticed she didn't phone/text as much, I wasn’t getting invited to things as much. I was quite poorly at one point, in hospital she came to visit me once, whereas people I had met the year previously were visiting me several times. I couldn’t understand the difference in our friendship and I asked her about it as she was important to me, she just turned it round on me saying I had imagined it. I definitely hadn’t, other people had noticed it too.

Turns out, I was told it was because she was jealous of me. I split up with my ex, took myself to university, plus working and she didn’t like it. She had been a single parent for years, struggled and didn’t like the fact I didn’t go through the same and was able to go down the university route to give myself a chance at getting a better career. It’s a shame though as I always thought of her as strong, and independent, she just got in with things and she was my inspiration for pushing through the pain of my marriage breaking down and getting on with things.

She’s suffering and you’re in the firing line. Try not to take it personally. She is BU but life must be tough, and to see your house sell quickly and hers not must be salt in the wound.

Unfortunately I think the friendship with you may be done, as even if she sees the error of her ways she’ll be too embarrassed to reconnect.

Friend B is trying to support her, let her get on with it. She means to be conciliatory but she isn’t in your position and she might see things differently if she was.

Some people do seem to need to direct anger on to others that they are feeling about their own misfortune. She has chosen you because of the house and it isn’t your fault. There’s probably not a lot you can do about it. Obviously she can’t help what has happened to her but she is still being a dick. You just need to back off and let her get on with it.

What makes you say that? There have been lots of comments about ‘glossy hair’ types and hair colour comments and people ‘having it all’ etc. They were not said directly to me ofc, but so many indirect comments that felt very sharp at the time - and I could see the bitterness sitting directly under the surface. It would have been easier if she had spoken about her bitterness more openly, and then it wouldn’t sit between us.

OW may have ruined her life in her eyes, but she is ignoring the problems that were present before he left. I sometimes worry about the level of hate she carries for this woman. Almost stalking her.

She swings between being suicidal and being elated, I can’t explain it. She doesn’t seem stable, so all of us have felt the need to really support her, because if I am honest I worry what she will do.

I have tried to take a step back in the last few months, not obviously, but just a little because it was becoming so exhausting and depleting. A relentless cycle of misery that never stops.

I feel sorry that this has happened to her, but none of us can change what has happened or fix this for her. I think she sees the house not being sold as another rejection if that makes sense?

I said it because I think she might be projecting some of her feelings about the OW onto you. Physical similarities will make that more likely, especially if she can fixate on certain aspects, like glossy hair, and link them to a person's personality.

Yes maybe, she can’t act on her anger towards ow.

Unfortunately we do look very similar, wear similar clothes and have similar life styles fitness etc. It is just coincidence.

Df has looked over and picked over this woman trying to discern what made her dh choose her. She has spent months/years looking at her SM, listening to her voice on vidoes, hanging around her house, picking over any photos or new information about her. Criticising ow really quite viciously at times, and quite fixated on how she ‘looks’.

OW has ‘stolen’ her life, her man, her dc when they are there, her holidays and her future.

Df now sees ow as a ‘type’ and seems to have put me in the same category. I am not offended, as it isn’t true but it’s like she can’t live with being second best to the OW.

It’s really hard to navigate, I have tried to allow her the a lot of leeway to process it all, but with this latest development I have now had enough.