Good friend totally blanking me wwyd?

[Forestbathing12]

I have a close set of friends of 10yrs plus. Getting through the nitty gritty of life together and proper friends. Or so I thought.

2yrs ago friend A’s husband walked out on her and 4 kids. She found out they had huge debts, and she is left virtually penniless. We have all consoled and comforted her for countless nights and days, rallied around her since it happened.

We live on the same road in the same town, and our houses went on the market at the same time just by chance because of the separation (ours was planned) . We are moving to a bigger house closer to our local city for dc but not far.

My house sold in just under a week, and her house is still unsold. She seems constantly angry with me now, making PA comments and just being awful. Friend B is definitely being strange too. friend C is completely fine.

Now she has stopped talking to me altogether. I don’t understand the issue and she won’t talk about it. I haven’t been divorced before, so maybe this is a natural stage. Can anyone advise?

I've been in a similar position re a very good friend turning on you. It's horrible and took me a while to work through as I was so upset (I have a few very good friends by choice).

My crimes were: (1) qualifying into my profession; (2) getting pregnant.

Id have understood a bit of envy but she took things too far and I was devastated as we had been so close.

She eventually wanted to go back to things as they were but from my pov the damage had been done. We still occasionally chat and I keep it light and friendly as we have mutual friends, but I have zero interest in a real friendship.

If you're feeling magnanimous leave her to it with the door open for her to return further down the line. Personally wouldn't bother and anyone that joins with her against you isn't a real friend either (so no loss).

Your friend counts you as ‘having it all’, her anger and bitterness has moved from the OW to include you in the same category. She has to work through her feelings and you have to step back from her, in the future she may realise how she pushed you away and get in touch again.
Once her house is sold, she has to downsize and become self sufficient, she is railing against it and seeing you moving on is too much for her. In her eyes, you have your DH, dc and moving to a bigger house and she feels you have the future, she was meant to have. She is not thinking clearly and consumed with fear, anger and lashing out. You are stepping back with grace, please try not to take it personally, she would’ve been furious of anyone close had they (in her eyes), been moving up. She may of had plans one day to be moving somewhere bigger and it’s a bitter pill for her to swallow seeing you do so with ease. You’ve messaged her and can ask you friends how she is, whilst telling friend B and C you’re still concerned about her. It’s not in your control whether she comes to her senses regarding your friendship, you can only respect her wishes to step back.
I would keep quiet about the sale of your house and moving to them and just tell them, you feel awkward knowing friend A’s life is imploding to be talking about it as it would feel disloyal and you don’t want to cause any discord.

She sounds utterly insane.
Honestly OP, I'd cut your losses.

There are plenty of nice people to be friends with who aren't a) raging snobs
b) even if they are struggling have the decency to just acknowledge you like an actual human and say something like "thanks for your msg, I am struggling a bit so appreciate your understanding if I don't get in touch for a while, but good luck with the move."

That's it. One msg in six months. Not blame you for something completely out of your control (looking a bit like the OW and having someone willing to buy your house)

yes a relationshiop ending can be earth shattering but it happens to millions of people every day. does she think she is the only person in the world who has suffered a loss? People react to horrendous bereavements better than she has.

Thank you for such thoughtful and insightful posts, and for sharing your own experiences. It is deeply upsetting. I thought we would be friends for life, and imagined us being very old together. I didn’t see a time when we wouldn’t be in and out of each other’s lives.

I can’t even imagine inviting her for dinner now, or to our new house, or sharing anything important with her again.

It feels like it’s eaten away at the trust we shared, like a poison that has slowly spread throughout the deep roots of our friendship. I can’t bring myself to stay in a superficial friendship, but I will stay in loose contact and be nice in passing, but keep it all at surface level going forward.

No doubt she will one day notice what she has lost, and it will be up to her to repair the friendship and become aware of how she has been. Or she maybe more comfortable with leaving her old life behind, and starting again, with no painful reminders. That’s for her to decide how best to manage her future. I hope it doesn’t fracture the whole group.

Different situation but I've lost a friend over personal issues too. Dh and I lost our twin boys at birth 19 months ago , this was after two miscarriages as well. My good friend unfortunately 8 months after my boys died had an early miscarriage at 7 weeks. I was supported her through this and tbh it was hard as I was consumed by own grief after burying my sons. I then found out I was pregnant a few weeks later. I've since had my baby a few weeks ago. Since I became pregnant, shes avoided me. Not visited. Whereas we talked, saw each other every week. I felt so upset for her when she miscarried and if she had even said I'm struggling around you. I'd have understood but she bailed me on meet ups, didn't call, didn't turn up ect.. lost 200 euros one time because she cancelled a spa date an hour beforehand

I understand it's hard for her, but others made me realise my children died at birth, I buried them and I was still there for her despite being in the horrors myself, still am some days. The minute some joy came back into our lives, she had no time for me and tbh pregnancy after the death of a baby , two in our case is very hard. But I've accepted for now our friendship has changed, so don't worry, you've done everything you can. Ball is in her court.

I am so sorry to hear about your darling boys, what a truly horrific and heartbreaking thing to happen. It must have been so traumatic, on a different scale to most thankfully early miscarriages, which are very upsetting ( I have had one ) but not the same as a full term pregnancy and birth. I can’t begin to imagine what you have been through.

You have been blessed with your new pregnancy and some hope and joy, congratulations.

Given everything you have been through maybe it’s best she stays away. You only want genuine love around you, and heartfelt support as you enter this next stage, not someone glowering from the sidelines, watering down your happiness and begrudging you the joy of a new baby.

Maybe she has had some bad news from the doctors, and can’t cope with your pregnancy at the moment, she might find it triggering. There will be many friends to come that will celebrate with you in the future.

I wish you the very best 💐

Perhaps she really isn't very nice OP, and only wanted to be your friend if she could feel a bit superior to you materially (her house being bigger, your house smaller)?
Now the situation is more in your favour, the natural order as she sees it has been upset? This (on top of being left for someone else) is going to really sting.
I had a friend who dropped me when I bought a house and stayed married at the same time as she was getting divorced and had to move to a rented home. She'd been very much top dog prior to that, whereas I'd had quite a rackety life till then. I never boasted or showed off, but catty comments kept coming and then she just never replied. It was really upsetting.
Some friends are only for a season as they say, perhaps that's the case for you.

Sorry for your losses ella. Op I had friendship go sour it was horrible. She had alot on personally and took it out on me. Was very hurtful as you say.

The scales have tipped. While she’s going down you’re going up.
She took her husband, marriage, future, quick house sale and equity for granted. Life is demonstrating to her she was wrong.
You have continued to show her you value her for who she is, not what she has.
I sense resentment, jealousy, and a friendship which has been exposed as poorly grounded. If I were you I’d walk away and give your headspace to someone else.

Thank you I'm sorry for your previous loss. ❤️ No, she's had clear tests thankfully, I know this as she told me and hopefully it's just one of those things but she will go onto have her baby. I truly hope it for her.

With your friend, you've done so much already to connect withbher, so id pull back if you have the strength to do it. I also think if the other friend starts acting the same, they aren't a friend. You've done nothing to provoke this other than sell your own house. I genuinely in my worst of times never resented others and after our boys died, we were surrounded by kids and a baby born the same month, but I understood this was my story , not theirs.

You said you texted her, have you been upfront with her though about her pulling away?

I think it’s a bit mean to attribute those very negative feelings to OP’s friend if we don’t know for sure what’s going on. She may just find it hard to be around happy people when she isn’t, it’s human. It doesn’t mean that she actively doesn’t want OP to be happy, just that she also wants to be happy herself.

Situations change, as do friendships.
I have a friend/neighbour, we have been through thick and thin together for 40 plus years. Her husband died 5 years ago, since then she has changed her life, has a group of single (divorced or widowed) friends, and I seem to have been sidelined. I even asked her once if I had done something to upset her, as she was so cool towards me, she assured me I hadn't.
I just don't fit in with her lifestyle now, and that's fine by me, there are no hard feelings.
We still have a cordial friendship, just not a close one.

I'd just avoid her really. No need to go NC/cut her off - that'll happen naturally. Things change, she resents you - you don't need or want someone like that as a friend.

Although it feels personal I would remind yourself that this isn’t a reflection on you or your life and it is unfortunately issues that your friend is dealing with right now.

Your life is going (on paper) smoothly and hers is falling apart. She is most likely holding some bitterness towards you that is, no fault of your own.

I remember my life stood still after I lost my twin pregnancy whilst my pregnant friends carried on with excitement and I did few jealousy toward them and step back. However I was never rude, nasty or dragged others into this.

Your friend may come back to you once she’s dealt with what’s going on in her head, but the ball is in your court - can you move forward knowing she was rude about you?

Although it feels personal I would remind yourself that this isn’t a reflection on you or your life and it is unfortunately issues that your friend is dealing with right now.

Your life is going (on paper) smoothly and hers is falling apart. She is most likely holding some bitterness towards you that is, no fault of your own.

I remember my life stood still after I lost my twin pregnancy whilst my pregnant friends carried on with excitement and I did few jealousy toward them and step back. However I was never rude, nasty or dragged others into this.

Your friend may come back to you once she’s dealt with what’s going on in her head, but the ball is in your court - can you move forward knowing she was rude about you?

I’m so sorry for your loss. My friend had a stillbirth the same time I experienced a miscarriage, we both supported each other. She fell pregnant again before me and even though being around pregnancies was hard I in no way would have begrudged her that happiness after her horrendous loss. Even though I still wasn’t pregnant at the time I stood by her side as if it was our journey together - I then went into having a little boy.

Your friend should of supported you even if she had to take a step back - even whilst going through the worst pain you still stood by her side

So sorry xxx

Very thoughtful approach.

She had a hidden flaw, like a tiny crack no one could see. the successful marriage, big house, and ability to throw shade on others (Liberty vs Etsy ffs) made it possible for her to graciously interact with you and imitate deep friendship. But her conversion in her own mind from Lady Bountiful to a beggar maid just spilt her wide open. She can’t manage her jealousy and spite. I don’t think she will come back from this.

I don’t either. It has a feeling of being irreparable now, despite the many years of friendship. This thread has helped me to see this isn’t my fault, this is her inner landscape and inability to come to terms with her perceived new status in life. She is finding it intolerable.

Her previous unkind comments and digs were small indicators of a much bigger issue looking back. I don’t feel upset or angry with her, because she needs to find her own way through this, and I now just wish her the best.