To continue Google Family Link phone controls for 17yr od dd

[Mrsmiggings]

I have dd age 17 and ds age 15. We use Family Link to manage their phone use, including app time limits and phone down time. They seem to get around down time, but that's for a different thread. We also.block all social media.
DD isn't great at self regulating her phone use. Given half a chance she'd message her friends all day and into the night. New school year is just starting in Scotland so we're re establishing boundaries after exam leave and we've asked the DC to leave all devices downstairs from 10pm. DD is massively disgruntled.

For background, when younger she got very upset and anxious about not having time to study, do her hobbies etc and it turned out she was spending 2 hours a day on watsapp. We put the controls in place, which she didn't like, but has managed to organise herself and is a good student. However, she's not great at telling us what time she's coming home or her plans, or being back on time. She doesn't go out until all hours and doesn't (often) drink. Due to poor communication, location sharing is useful. We've stressed the importance of communication often. She went out past an agreed deadline (all day) the day before her final exam last week.

She's been able to work away around the controls and has been on the phone into the night past 1am, getting up late etc.

AIBU to a) expect bedrooms to be device free and b) continue with device control at her age? We're not sure what other parents do and are worried about the mental health impact of unlimited phone usage.

What does your daughter think about her own phone usage? Have you talked with her about what she'll do to manage it once she's 18 and an adult?

I think yabu, the whole point of regulating and rules around their phone use as is to teach them by now how to be responsible themselves. +she’s never going to get the chance to try if you don’t give her some freedom and responsibility.
very soon she is going to be an adult, be able to get a job and buy her own phone or move out.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. She’s still in education, under your roof and I’m assuming you pay for the phone? She’s shown she can’t self regulate and phones disturb sleep.

please don’t even consider what other parents do. Take it from a teacher, 99% of them get it so very wrong!! Phones and social media do so much damage to kids mental health. My own child is 4 and our nursery has said you can tell she doesn’t get screen time as she’s very much ahead of most of the kids.

stick to your guns. We need more parents like you!

No one in our house has phones in bedrooms overnight so I think you can reasonably make that a house rule.

If she doesn’t keep you posted as to when she’s getting home there needs to be consequences to that, I think. She’s living under your roof and is your responsibility.

Sounds like your focus and energy should actually be addressing these issues OP to help prepare her for adult life, which is imminent.

Is she likely to do well in exams?

This is very similar to my adhd son in terms of poor regulation

You block social media for a 15 and 17 year old? Ouch. YABU because she needs to learn to self regulate and you're making it impossible for her to learn consequences of not doing so. She's almost an adult.

I think having parents setting screen time limits for near-adults is really infantilising and the fact that people are talking about 17-year-olds like they’re 9 sheds a lot of light on how incredibly immature a lot of uni students and work experience placements I meet these days are.

I think that's really tricky because yes she's nearly a (young) adult, but conversely the harms of too much phone use continue into adulthood (I struggle to regulate mine sometimes). So not sure.

I think it's fair enough to have house rules while she's still living at home and in school / doing exams.

I agree with PP that this isn't helping her in the long run. You need to find a middle ground and work towards no controls at all as she's heading towards 18.

How about you allow social media but continue with time limits on the apps, and keep the bedtime switch off/downtime. Chat to her about it and agree you'll check in on her in a couple of weeks.

You do need to start letting her grow up and make her own choices and mistakes - otherwise how will she learn her own limits?

I agree. She could be at Uni soon and can’t regulate her own phone use. I never had any restrictions on phones. If they didn’t get up for school, appeared really tired or school said they weren’t paying attention in lessons then i’d have looked at some restrictions if they continued. Fortunately I have some very sensible kids. DS put his PS5 away in term time in GCSE years and DD (17) is very sensible with routine. She is in bed for 9.30pm, up around 6ish. Her aim is to apply to Oxford uni in the Autumn, so no restrictions on her phone haven’t impacted her.

Kids need to learn to regulate and they can’t if they still have restrictions at 17, when they are almost an adult. I’d give her a month with no restrictions and then see how she gets on, with her knowing if she isn’t sensible the restrictions will go back on.

A 4yr old is very different to a 17yr old who could be off to uni and living alone in the near future. Unlimited screen time hasn’t impacted my DC education wise. They have learned to manage it sensibly.

thats quite random of the nursery to say that they can tell your daughter doesn’t have screen time because she’s so ahead. I’ve taught plenty of advanced and clever children who have had screen time - it makes no difference whatsoever as long as they have a healthy balance. An hour of screen time a day is hardly going to stop a clever child being clever.

op, your daughter is almost an adult. She has to start managing her own phone otherwise she’ll have no idea what to do when she’s 18 and will end up being on it all day every day if she’s never learnt how to self regulate

If you have sensible kids who can self-regulate then you don’t have any experience of kids who can’t!

How is she supposed to learn? She's almost 18. We need to teach our kids to make their own decisions by that age. Sometimes they will have negative consequences, that's how they learn! My DS is 16. He learnt years ago not to go to sleepover the day before a football match because the first time he did it he was too tired to play well. Now he's started going to parties and drinking he's already made the decision not to drink before a match because he anticipates that it would affect his performance. Let your kids learn their own lessons sometimes, it's how they learn. Nobody ever learnt how to be a mature adult by having all risk removed by their parents.

They need to learn to do that, and they can’t if parents are still restricting it at 17. She is almost an adult.

At 17 she needs to be doing her own time management and facing the consequences herself when she doesn’t do so, I also wouldn’t be controlling what she can and can’t do. My daughters are 16 and 17, the only rules we have about phones are we are present at the dinner table or if we have guests or are visiting people. In my opinion that period between 16-18 is when they need to be learning how to be an adult, we give both our girls a lot of freedom, we allow them to make their own choices and ultimately at times they make mistakes - they also know
that we are always there to help regardless of the situation. My eldest is off to uni in just over a year she’s learning for herself about the world whilst still at home with us as her safety net, she’s likely to be a few hours away from home and I already feel confident that she has the life skills to make good choices. I therefore think you definitely need to relinquish some control.

You don’t know my child so you can keep your sticky beak out. It isn’t random. I’m in education too. I can CLEARLY see the kids whose parents DGAF and let them have unfettered screen time. Nope. Not for me. Destroyed your own child’s mental health. I’m quite happy either way what we do. As soon as you hand your child a device you end their childhood (not my quote before toxic mumsnetters jump on me). But think on that. Now go argue with someone else. TTFN!!

At 17 i do not think you can police them in this way. You would hope that they are mature enough to make their own decisions about things like this. You have to give them responsibility.

We have found that when controls are removed she goes back to spending hours messaging her friends. She has also used alternatives like Google and Pinterest to excess until we notice. She argues that it's not impacting her studies (she's on course for As), but she does use her phone until gone 1 am left to her own devices.

Yes, we've spoken to her about this and explained why excessive phone use is a problem, but she argues she doesn't have a problem, all her friends do it etc. She's very jumpy without her phone. Her reaction to the sleep routine suggests an addition to it to us.

Well crack on then. You clearly think you're doing the right thing, and it's your decision!

When do you see the restrictions coming to an end? 18? 21? 30?

We all understand the problem with phone addiction in teens. The issue is that at some point you have to handover to them and it is usually better to do that gradually than have uber tight restrictions up until the day they leave for uni and then absolutely nothing.

She MUST learn to self regulate. How are you going to help her achieve this?

Absolutely this.

We had planned to remove Family Link when she's finished her exams in S6. Yes, we have had discussions about why self regulation of phone use is important.

It would be useful to have feedback on both queries a) device free bedrooms from 10pm and b) unregulated phone use

Of course, but saying “my kids have always been able to self-regulate”
is hardly helpful advice for a parent whose DC clearly can’t!

Thanks, this is useful feedback