To continue Google Family Link phone controls for 17yr od dd

[Mrsmiggings]

I have dd age 17 and ds age 15. We use Family Link to manage their phone use, including app time limits and phone down time. They seem to get around down time, but that's for a different thread. We also.block all social media.
DD isn't great at self regulating her phone use. Given half a chance she'd message her friends all day and into the night. New school year is just starting in Scotland so we're re establishing boundaries after exam leave and we've asked the DC to leave all devices downstairs from 10pm. DD is massively disgruntled.

For background, when younger she got very upset and anxious about not having time to study, do her hobbies etc and it turned out she was spending 2 hours a day on watsapp. We put the controls in place, which she didn't like, but has managed to organise herself and is a good student. However, she's not great at telling us what time she's coming home or her plans, or being back on time. She doesn't go out until all hours and doesn't (often) drink. Due to poor communication, location sharing is useful. We've stressed the importance of communication often. She went out past an agreed deadline (all day) the day before her final exam last week.

She's been able to work away around the controls and has been on the phone into the night past 1am, getting up late etc.

AIBU to a) expect bedrooms to be device free and b) continue with device control at her age? We're not sure what other parents do and are worried about the mental health impact of unlimited phone usage.

This is a tricky one OP. I’m usually dead against phones and social media for as long as possible but 17 is getting past that a little, even for me.

I think I would allow her to do her own research on it. Try and empower her with the knowledge of how much screens hijack your mood and concentration if you use them too much. Get her to listen to a podcast on it or something. Explain the detrimental effects and start to trust her to make the best decisions for her own life.

I think even Jonathan Haidt has a limit of 16 before allowing social media and he seems to be the expert on it. I think the idea being that if she hasn’t been exposed to it up until now, the chances of it being AS damaging as say, letting a 12 year old access it are low

An hour of screen time is quite different to the average of 8.5 hours per day for teenagers and 5.5 hours per day for preteens. I am a teacher and yes you can tell the difference between a child who has a lot of screen time and a child who doesn't.

We stepped back when DD was 16.5 yrs and started college. She does spend way too much time on insta but she’s 18 now and in middle of Alevels. All I think you can do is keep open lines of communication with them, talk about the positive and negative influences of phones and help them notice the impact it has on them. I’ve popped up to see my DD every couple of hours just to offer a drink / snack or say hi and everytime she’s been on her phone when “revising”. I did suggest putting her phone across the room for 20mins to try bursts of study, I get an eye roll. It’s her life and she needs to learn by consequences ultimately. She does have a balance through out the week as her job means no access to her phone for hours as does her sports training (15+hrs per wk), so I accept the bigger picture as part of her life choices.

I used to do that but with books... I remember staying up til 4am once to finish reading the Tomorrow When The War Began series.

At that age I think she needs to be given far greater agency and privacy. I'm not convinced that any restrictions are necessary/appropriate at that age, and certainly not the tracking.

Yes I agree. The poster I replied to said the nursery could tell that her child had no screen time. I was saying that is an odd comment to make as they can’t possibly know if the child has an hour or so screen time a day (and I’m including TV in this) or none at all. Obviously it’s very different if it’s 5 or more hours a day - you would definitely be able to see the difference then. As a teacher, I cannot tell which children only have 1-2 hours a day and which don’t though- it makes no impact on how ‘ahead’ they are if they only have a low level of supervised screen time.

my concern also would be that having no screen time at all, literally zero, would not help a child build self regulation when they do eventually get access to a screen. This could also happen to OPs child who after being under such tight controls for so long won’t be able to self regulate when they turn 18 and all the controls come off. A bit of balance is always a good thing

Younger adults generally don’t want to be on Facebook they think it is for oldies and use it to keep family informed.

i’d be very surprised if she didn’t at age 17 have accounts on Insta and TikTok you don’t know about.

sleep is one thing - and arguably having a household rule that everyone (adults included) put phones away at 10 or 11 pm is sensible - but refusing any social media is very very unusual.

For clarity she was given 3 hours screen time a day and a 40 min limit on watsapp, with downtime 10pm until 6.30 am

We have now switched off the time limits and location sharing, but will still be able to check her usage within the app. She put her devices I the kitchen at 10.30. She used watsapp for 54 minutes.

I also don’t think all screen time is equal and I’m not just talking about the quality of the content itself.

I will admit I probably let DC watch too much TV and I should cut back. However, I notice a change in their mood depending on if they’re watching long form programs with a story line and evolving characters to if they’re watching long watch something quick, sharp and short. They get very tetchy if what they’re watching is fast paced and in their face. It mimics swiping through reels or TikTok. I think it blows their dopamine and ruins their concentration. For balance, on long car journeys (or any car journeys) they don’t get a tablet or or any form of entertainment apart from listening to music in the car. They need to be able to just be bored and take in the world around them

I think those are reasonable, age appropriate steps.

WhatsApp was an odd one to have a time limit on in the first place, since its basically a free alternative to text messages and phonecalls. At that age, I'd be texting or calling my friends frequently, as well as chatting on good old MSN messenger. Unless she was on it for hours and hours every day and it was significantly impeding her studies, I dont see why you'd put time limits on her basic socializing.

Being OTT on these things is much better than being ambivalent, but I do think you've been incredibly restrictive up until now, and I wouldn't worry if she starts clocking hours per day on it.

WhatsApp was an odd one to have a time limit on in the first place, since its basically a free alternative to text messages and phonecalls.

That’s what I thought until I found out there are now WhatsApp Channels. Basically like Insta accounts but via WhatsApp. Insidious.

Tbh at that age all of her friends will be* *doing it.
My now 15 year old has been chatting to her friends well past midnight during the school holidays.
My 18 year old is doing a full time apprenticeship, he's out of the door at 6.40 am most days so his phone goes on charge at 9pm! (His choice).
What's the worst that could happen at 17? She stays up late and she is tired the next day....what happens when she goes to uni and she's out until 3am and has a lecture first thing in the morning? She will learn the hard way, or live on the energy of the universe like most young people 🤣
I also think you need to loosen the apron strings on the 15 year old but you didn't as about that so🤷‍♀️

Unless she was on it for hours and hours every day and it was significantly impeding her studies, I dont see why you'd put time limits on her basic socializing

This- she was having anxiety attacks about not having time to complete her school work but sometimes spend 4 hours on watsapp! She also had a history of bullying in group chats. Each time we turned off the restrictions, the time went sky high.

Anyway, the restriction is off now, but we can still see her usage (time not content) to be able to have a discussion about it if it appears problematic. Highers are done now, so she can crack on with S6

You won't be able to do any of this once she turns 18. So it's already game over for her phone use.

You had 18 years of teaching responsibilities, how has the problem escalated to this degree so late in the day?

I would remove all controls immediately, this is your last chance to observe her behaviour and have some legal recourse for intervening, once she turns 18 you will have lost that opportunity.

You won't be able to do any of this once she turns 18. So it's already game over for her phone use

Why not? If OP pays for the phone, she can still set up screen time controls on it? Or she can simply say pay for your own phone. I’m not saying that it would be right or sensible to do so but just thinking it is technically still possible, I don’t think anything magical happens at age 18.

A little thing called Coersive Control, it's only illegal and just a short prison sentence.

So disappointing to see the results of this poll

This is ridiculous

It's literally the law

Can just imagine an 18 year old going to the police and saying “My mum still pays for my phone but she won’t take off the screen time limits. I’m being coercively controlled”. Would love to see their faces.

When I was 17 I was out all night with my friends and I mean all night, I still got good A-levels. How long until she's 18 and she can do whatever she wants, I'd say she needs to be learning some lessons fast. If she does badly in her A-levels that's her responsibility although if she's bright some late nights online won't make a lot of difference. Plenty of 17 year olds are up in the small hours, what were you doing at her age?!

@minipie a Giffgaff SIM costs £6 a month I'm pretty sure this girl could pay for her own phone bill if she wanted to

Exactly.

So all the posters who are so outraged about keeping controls on the DD’s phone - if the DD is that fussed she can get her own.

Same, I don’t think I had any ‘rules’ I had to follow, I came and went as I pleased and so did absolutely everyone I knew. By that age I’d already been away on holiday with friends and done a month of work experience in another country over the summer. My parents requested that I turned out the hallway light when I came in late as a sort of signal that I’d got home ok, and they’d have a firm word if they felt I was really neglecting my studies. We were expected to be courteous and considerate (doing our fair share in the house, not being on phones at the table etc) but no more stringent than the rules you’d adhere to as a respectful housemate in a uni house full of peers. We were more or less treated like adults but with the occasional firm talking to if mum really noticed that something was going seriously awry, and we generally fell into line because we respected her and, while we’d roll our eyes a bit, did acknowledge that she was an experienced adult trying to teach us not to be twits.

My DF and I had a dreadful relationship at the time but mum got it just right in my opinion.

I can’t imagine having such a restricted lifestyle at 17, I’d have been climbing the walls. I actually agree with you OP about screen time, but the time when it would have been appropriate for you to do anything more than have a serious conversation about the dangers/importance of studies etc has passed IMO. You could also say that you won’t be paying for the contract any more if she’s neglecting her studies in favour of the phone- you could just say that you won’t be paying for anything that you feel is harmful for her, so you’ll stop paying for the phone if she can’t regulate, and you’ll give it a month. But I think monitoring her use in the way you do is completely OTT, in your shoes I’d just categorise ‘too much’ as grades slipping, never having a proper conversation because she’s on her phone all the time and so on.

If it’s any comfort, I used to spend absolute hours on MSN Messenger (😆) every day at that age, and texting constantly when I wasn’t doing that, and my parents were clearly unimpressed. But now I don’t even have a social media account (MN excepted) and don’t know where I’ve left my phone half the time…

You are being unreasonable she’s 17! She doesn’t need to tell you what time she will be home and you shouldn’t be monitoring her phone good lord!