To continue Google Family Link phone controls for 17yr od dd

[Mrsmiggings]

I have dd age 17 and ds age 15. We use Family Link to manage their phone use, including app time limits and phone down time. They seem to get around down time, but that's for a different thread. We also.block all social media.
DD isn't great at self regulating her phone use. Given half a chance she'd message her friends all day and into the night. New school year is just starting in Scotland so we're re establishing boundaries after exam leave and we've asked the DC to leave all devices downstairs from 10pm. DD is massively disgruntled.

For background, when younger she got very upset and anxious about not having time to study, do her hobbies etc and it turned out she was spending 2 hours a day on watsapp. We put the controls in place, which she didn't like, but has managed to organise herself and is a good student. However, she's not great at telling us what time she's coming home or her plans, or being back on time. She doesn't go out until all hours and doesn't (often) drink. Due to poor communication, location sharing is useful. We've stressed the importance of communication often. She went out past an agreed deadline (all day) the day before her final exam last week.

She's been able to work away around the controls and has been on the phone into the night past 1am, getting up late etc.

AIBU to a) expect bedrooms to be device free and b) continue with device control at her age? We're not sure what other parents do and are worried about the mental health impact of unlimited phone usage.

We are the same. Screen free family here (kids are young still). They are able to sit still and find their own entertainment way better than the screen gawpers.
RE your daughter OP it’s not a question of her age. It’s the fact she can’t regulate her use. This won’t magically change when she turns a particular age so I would keep doing it as long as possible.

I think you're doing the right thing, OP. Like many teens (and adults!) she clearly isn't mature enough to manage her own screen use effectively and this is a year when she would really benefit from minimal distraction from her studies.

Naturally, you won't be able to impose these restrictions when she leaves home/goes to uni, but she'll be a bit older and wiser by then. Also, the consequences of her staying up late and being too tired to study properly during the first year of uni will be less serious than if she messes up her last year at school.

I'd suggest keeping the restrictions going until she's finished her A-levels and after that she can have more freedom.

calm down 😂 I hope you’ll be okay in school when the kids use screens which they inevitably will. An hour a day of iPad or telly is not going to end a childhood if it is regulated by parents- how ridiculous to claim it would! Obviously there’s a difference if a child is having unlimited unregulated iPad time all day.

My children’s screen time is carefully monitored and controlled and they are happy and healthy children who are both doing very well in school. They also have good coding, app building and IT skills thanks to their computer and iPad experience.

there’s obviously a middle ground between parents who DGAF and parents who give their child controlled access to screens- maybe you need to be less extreme in your responses and be more measured, especially if you are a teacher.

DH tells me my post may be misleading on what is and isn't restricted:

Watsapp is allowed, but with time limits. She has used this between 2-4 hours a day when unrestricted.

Socials like Instagram and FB- not permitted.

We're thinking of removing devices from everyone in the house (including us) from 10 pm, but allowing her to have hers on non school nights.

We're less concerned about DS. He doesn't use his phone as much and tends to be out doing activities like biking and gym.

Thank you. She's a just finished her Highers in Scotland, so we're though the biggest year, but Advanced Highers are starting today.

I would also say that given the addictive nature of social media etc, as well as much of the content and also the bullying, restricting usage for children who are clearly struggling with that until they are mature enough to deal with it is very sensible.
I wouldn’t hand a drink, cigarette or joint to a minor in the basis of what’s been said on this thread.

Well they might be able to, if given sufficient time and advice. My kids didn’t just magically self regulate.

I think the vast (VAST) majority of parents get this wrong and don't have enough controls - so whatever you are doing OP I would trust your instinct.

If it was me, I would keep the block overnight if I could as she is still in education.

I would remove everything else in terms of tracking her as I really don't believe in it.

Yes it's stressful if she goes missing but she is nearly an adult - you need to guide her and work that out with her with conversations etc not tracking.

That's just my opinion- I think the tracking leads to anxiety not responsibility.

At 17 I was out all over london with friends no phones at all - I don't think the tracking helps anything as kids feel 'childish' and don't learn responsibility.

The idea of self regulation is utter bollocks

These devices and apps are literally designed to be addictive. The majority of adults fail to 'self regulate' - as you can see looking up any bus/ train/ tube - every face stuck in a phone morning til night - people are now walking down the road scrolling their phones endlessly.

Some people/children/adults may be lucky enough to not be interested, they are the minority. As is very clear at watching adult behaviour on phones.

Why don't you allow social media for an almost adult?

I have three teens / young adults.

Youngest is 15 and I manage her phone with app limit restrictions and downtime overnight. Left to her own devices she’d be on it endlessly and that isn’t what I want her focus to be.

After GCSEs older two teens were allowed their phones without restrictions. During A levels Ds would put his own phone in a different room while he revised. At night he always puts it on his desk away from his bed before going to sleep.

It’s important to establish rules that work and you are comfortable with. If you all put your phones downstairs at night, then that would be good.

The only problem could be that teens often stay up late and 10 would probably be too early for her, based on what my teens are like. She does also need to learn to regulate her phone use herself.

You can't be serious?! Keep regulating her phone use until she's in her 40's or 50's?

I highly doubt she will be still living with her parents at that age (and more fool them if they let her). But while she is living there, being funded by them and needing to get through her exams she clearly needs guidance.

Of course, but surely the answer isn't that everyone's Mummy keeps tabs on their location, limits their app use and makes them put the phone outside at 10pm?

Or maybe it is! Phone control hubs located in old people's homes...getting the elderly back into work. Solving the screen crisis and the pensions crisis...maybe you're on to something.

So age is a relevant factor then? Because you did say "it's not a question of her age". But it very much is isn't? Because at nearly 18 she's likely to be also nearly at the point where she's going to leave home for uni...

At the end of S6 she'll have already had her 18th birthday, surely? Do you honestly think it's reasonable to block an 18yo from accessing social media, or to be controlling her life so intently at that age? How is she supposed to learn to self-regulate, or to make decisions of her own based on possible outcomes and consequences, rather than just doing as she's told?

My 17yo has just finished a year at college and is heading to uni to study Law in September. He has a part time job and honestly, I can't imagine feeling entitled to control how he spends his free time to that degree.

Old enough to leave home, vote, get married but Mum controlling her phone...oh dear, she'll be emigrating to Australia to get away from you soon!

(Before anyone bites, 16 is effectively an adult in Scotland).

Perhaps you should consider some screen time? Might chill you out a bit!

my bet is that she has another phone anyway

Is she still at school?
My DD is 18 next month and its pretty much her business what goes on her phone, I'm not mirco managing a nearly adult.

I don’t know the answer OP.

I do see the point that she has to learn her own self control at some point. And a bit of a learning period before uni is probably a good idea.

But I am also poor at self regulation and I am certain that if the internet had existed in its current form when I was 18, I’d not have got the A levels or degree that I did. It would have been a disaster for me.

I also believe SM like Insta/FB/Tiktok tend to make people less happy. So can’t see myself voluntarily giving my kids access to it, why would I do that?

Overall I think I’d lift the restrictions a little (greater time allowed) but I’d be sticking with the SM ban - the time she can have whatever apps she wants is when she pays her own phone bill.

Nothing wrong with a no phones in bedrooms rule - for adults too.

Can't believe how many people seem to think it's ok to have that much control over someone who is nearly 18?!

Surely this is only going to encourage sneaky behaviour like having an extra phone. Do you read all her messages too?

DD is 7 and I have locked down her tablet a lot (more than most I think), but at some point I know I will have to let go of some restrictions otherwise she will never learn to a) regulate and b) be safe on social media.

She is 17. Very nearly an adult.

If you are still policing her phone usage to this extent, when and how exactly do you envisage she is going to develop the skills to self regulate when she is an adult? Are you planning to continue to control her phone usage after she turns 18? Or are you expecting that self-regulation skills will naturally appear on her 18th birthday?

Learning to self regulate is a skill that requires practice. Ideally, kids learn this as teens when they have the benefits of ongoing adult supervision to support and guide them. Suddenly letting them loose at 18 without any opportunity to practice doesn't seem very wise to me.

It is our job as parents to teach kids how to navigate risk...not to insulate them from it completely until they hit adulthood.

@Mrsmiggings who pays for the phone and contract?

It's a tough one. My Y9 son has his phone on Family Link and I've told him it will be on there until he finishes GCSE exams. If he tries to get round it, then he will lose his phone for a week. We paid for the phone and contract. He is allowed it on the charger at night in his room, but I screen shot his usage at 10pm so will know if he has been using it.

17 is a difficult age. Why not ask her to come up with her own set of sensible rules?

Is she off to uni in a year ?
If so, removing restrictions then could end up an extremely costly mistake if she fails her first year as a result.

Mine had no restrictions after GCSEs (age 16) and I am pretty confident that they sometimes went into school very tired because they were on their phones until silly o clock. They learned to go to bed at a regular time because they had days that they screwed up imo.