DH has moved out

[Passa]

We purchase our house earlier this year. We’ve spent more than we would have liked but we can afford the monthly payments.
However, we underestimated the refurbishment cost, we budgeted £60k but it’s going to be closer to £100k+ : new kitchen, new wardrobes, new beds, new flooring and paint. The house is very dated and needs updating but DH has become increasingly bitter at the cost and placed the blame s on me. He’s had to sell his ISA and employee shares to fund this, and has regularly resorted to calling me names. He stayed in thr spare room for weeks but finally moved out back to his parents.
i don’t know what happens after this - will the house be sold off? We are sitting on a very significant loss if we sell it now.

Your DH does sound a bit of a wet lettuce, allowing decisions to be made that he's not comfortable with. You seem to have done most of the pushing for extra spending that really needed a lot more consideration, and I can see why your DH is pissed off with you if that's the case. He needs to accept some responsibility here as he's either given in on decisions he wouldn't have wanted to say yes to, or he's been caught up in the madness of spending as well and now deeply regrets it.

You can see now what catastrophic errors you have made, starting with buying a house that you couldn't afford to spend willy-nilly on, then actually spending that money (particularly on things that won't add value to the house itself, excluding the kitchen) and cashing in investments. That was really really daft. Now you both need to sit down and thrash out a plan that works for you both, whether that's calling it a day marriage-wise and selling the house, or working through your differences and agreeing on compromises. I couldn't say what you should do, but I'll tell you this: I'd live in a shanty town hut with my DH than in a palace without him. Some things are too valuable to put a price on.

Ah I see, you got carried away spending his salary on stuff he didn’t want? I get shared money etc, but you’ve been Gram Grabbed!

@Skippydoodle I know I'm missing the point of the thread but I'd love to hear your budgeting/money saving tips. We're at the planning stage of a similar build with a similar budget and feeling daunted. Worried about the potential to overspend!

OP, I think all you can do now if you want to save your marriage and house is to acknowledge to him that it got completely out of control and you realise how much of that is your responsibility, and you understand what it means that he had to sell his shares. Tell him how sorry you are.

But say that it was in pursuit of your life together and that is a life you would like to save. You realise that this has put a rift between you but you would like to try couples counselling to give you a safe and mediated space in which you can both discuss how you got here, how your teamwork was undermined and how you can regain mutual trust.

Tell him you will do all in your power to get your savings back on track.

It may or may not work, but what have you got to lose in trying?

Designers? Why did you need designers? You can't have had all the work done already, isn't there anything you can cancel and save money to save your marriage? If not then it's probably best you sell up and give him the money back then go your separate ways.

Not getting involved or keeping tabs on what was going on...is also a decision. It's his house too.. It's no good not being on top of it until it reaches crisis point then having a meltdown when it doesn't work the way you expected it to and then placing all the blame on your partner. You wouldn't get away with that in other areas of your life

When we renovated our house, I was on maternity leave and did a lot of the running around to get quotes.. but there is NO WAY DH would have stood back and not gone into detailed discussion with me on the plans/cost. And I needed him to.

And yes.. building work cost more than anticipated and we had to postpone/cutback plans.
I imagine its even worse now that the cost of living crisis has dramatically increased the cost of building materials.. so estimates from even two years ago would be very out of date.

I spent 100k on my entire actual flat (albeit 15 years ago)!

This could easily cost 100K, prices for work are so high currently. A new bathroom done to a decent standard is easily 15K. I had a new kitchen and utility plus some structural work and it was 30K. Work is very expensive these days. They could have done it in stages though and spread the cost out as and when they could afford it.

I'll be honest, I don't blame him if he's leaving you.

It's clear you took for granted that he would pay for your whims (you state that you could never afford the mortgage and he's had to sell shares etc to fund it) and are now finding out that his patience has run out.

You also state designers pointed out things you didn't realise you needed. Sounds like you were upsold beyond your means, and don't really know the value of his money.

Not once have you broken down your costs or explained why you couldn't get a 2nd job, or do overtime. Sounds like you don't want to deal with the consequences or admit that you are to blame.

All in, I think he's made a terrible mistake and I hope he makes his money back on the house etc.

She didn’t say he blamed her. She said it was her fault. 🤷‍♀️

Communication and not being on the same page about priorities seems to be a real problem here. We have been restoring an old broken down house for the past five years, we bided our time, doing things as and when we could afford them depending on cashflow and time needed. You don't need "designers" etc, completely unnecessary, surely half the fun is designing it yourself exactly as you want? Of course such people are going to get you to buy things you don't need and didn't intend to get, that is literally their job. I'd steer well clear!

We moved in earlier this year and we literally have no kitchen (just some kitchen appliances in the lounge), as the kitchen space has no windows or doors so far, and as we want lovely French doors, which are expensive to buy, so we just have to wait a while. We also have no cupboards in the house at all, and I mean absolutely none, apart from a couple of medicine cabinets in the bathrooms. None in the bedrooms. Not in the lounge, no kitchen cupboards, nothing. No shelving. No storage space of any kind apart from the attic. We have been living out of cardboard boxes for 5 months. It's all part of the process as we plan how and where we are going to build the cupboards and craft the spaces to our exact liking/convenience, which is exciting and fun. Not all the ceilings are complete and the floors are bare wood planks which still require further sanding and sealing (happening this month! Linseed oil is not that expensive!). It will all get done in time and we will appreciate it all the more, and it will be exactly as we want (of course some compromises with each other if we don't agree on every aspect).

Why did you have to do everything at once, and allow yourself to get involved with designers etc? Were the things you have done things you both agreed on, including the timescales and budget for them? If not, you need to start communicating much better now if you are to save the relationship. Consider compromising on things/being more patient as you go forward.

Don’t think people realise how much building materials have rocketed. I bought a tiny kitchen’s worth of units for DD last month, basically four units and a sink and taps, plus worktop, £1,000 for a fairly basic range, not the cheapest and also didn’t include hob or oven as fortunately they were still in good condition.

definitely worth doing some costing on upgrading and refurbishing if you’re looking to move.

Well more fool him for agreeing to new wardrobes etc. Usually when you move house you accept that you'll be living with old stuff for a few years, save up and get things slowly as you can afford them. You need to share responsibility in this too though op. You should have both talked it through and not risked his company shares etc. I am not surprised he is annoyed bit he should be annoyed with himself too and not taking this out on you.

This doesn't make any sense, you just said yourself that you had a new kitchen, utility and structural work for 30k. The OP said they had a new kitchen, new beds, wardrobes and some paint for 100k? She didn't say anything about bathrooms or utility or anything else.

Does he have a point? Are you emotionally manipulative? Or is he blaming you because he didn’t keep an eye on costs either?

Both of you have massively fucked up here. Your use of designers is utterly ridiculous on your budget, as is your belief that you needed a new kitchen immediately because yours was dated and dirty. If you haven’t got the cash in the budget, then you scrub it to within an inch of its life and wait until you do have the cash. Why weren’t both of you asking for a breakdown of the bill before giving the ok to go ahead?

You’ve both been spending money you don’t have. But it’s done now, so my suggestion is that you apologise for your part in it and come up with ways to get the money back in the bank. Rent a room or two out to lodgers. Use your living room too if it will bring you in more money. Sell stuff on Vinted (buy from boot fairs and re sell at a profit, if you have to). What do you do for work? Can you apply for promotion? You’re going to need an evening job. Possibly bar work or retail at the weekend as well. 40k is going to take a few years to replace, but it’s doable.

Him moving back to his parents rather than back into your room is not a good sign; I suspect he feels that you’re financially incompatible. Having a plan and being committed to getting as much into the bank as quickly as possible should be your aim if you stand any chance of saving your relationship.

new wardrobes, new beds, new flooring and paint

This isn’t refurbishment. It’s just ‘buying new stuff’ 😵‍💫.

She said he had "regularly resorted to calling me names. He stayed in thr spare room for weeks but finally moved out back to his parents"
That sounded to me like he blamed her, also a lot of pp have said its her fault.

I was just pointing out that there were two of them in that house and he had a role in this too.

If you bought at the top of your budget - why did you do all the work straight away?

We bought a probate property, lived in it for 2 years and did a full reconfiguration, small extension (replacing the conservatory), decorating, new kitchen & bathrooms, underfloor heating put in, electrics, plumbing for £150k, 5 years ago in the south east.

If we were just doing cosmetic stuff, I think it would be about £50k max.

It would be good to know what kind of personalities you both have OP. Is one of you all about labels / designer goods and the other one not that bothered? Just wondered if you were on the same page with finances?

Can you get some extra hours work or some kind of side income to try and rebuild the savings to show you are making an effort. Personally I would apologise and see what I can do to cut monthly costs and bring in some more income - how much do you spend on make up, nights out, subscriptions, taxis etc… do up a budget and cut some of your personal costs - see if you can get a few hours work to even bring in an extra £100 a week - show all this to your partner and apologise profusely!

It does sound like you went too far - an ikea kitchen and wardrobes would make the place look instantly better - £100k is a lot to spend on a refurbishment if you don’t have the money. I suspect it hasn’t added £100k value to the house or have you checked?

So many questions! One is how old are you because you seem very young and inexperienced in the big wide world. Secondly, do you want to save your marriage? Thirdly, is the house actually finished now, all work/spend done?

Why on earth would you buy at the top of your budget and not allow enough to renovate (over a period of time) plus contingency? That's head in the sand princess behaviour in my book, like you wanted your perfect home with top of the range fittings all at once, right now or else! Life's not like that unless you're stinking rich I'm afraid. Designer? Well, of course they'll go mad with your money. And did you seriously have no furniture from wherever you lived before that would have done for now or did you live in fully furnished rented? I mean you have to make sensible choices e.g the £150 a roll wallpaper may look fab but will the £25 a roll stuff do for now?

However, this is not just your fault if he said yes/no/yes but he's run away from the problem. Get a valuation done, get a lodger, get marriage counselling, get an extra job but mainly get a grip!

Jeez, some of you need to give your heads a wobble.

The OP's husband has beggared off and you're judging her over what money was spent on.

Sounds like his patience has ran out with your spending i dont blame him for leaving.
It sounds like you want atm not a marriage and its all about high end stuff the name the look etc.

Ok this is insane. We have build a double storey extension with two bathrooms for leas than that. If you need a designer for a refurbishment you should not be buying a project house.

That said, are you sure this is the reason he has gone OP? Sounds like a weird excuse to leave and not sure what he expects to happen.

You sure he’s not having an affair and he’s using this as an excuse to exit?

Two things - just because you convince your partner to say OK, it doesn't mean it is - look at their body language.

We did one project 2 years after moving in, but 11 years later we still haven't finished half the things we want to. It's definitely improved, but much of the house has just had a lick of paint. Do it bit by bit.

Withdraw from any elements you can without penalty and show you understand it and will live with it and do bits slowly and you may get him back.

But that's why he's buggered off. They'd spent money on stuff they didn't need and are now broke.