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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Shouldn’t have asked him to change the nappy?

64 replies

Hmewoods · 01/06/2025 14:47

Me and DP were supposed to go on holiday with some family (my dad, sister and nieces) over May half term but due to a disagreement between myself and DP, which my dad got wind of, my dad (who had paid for it all) said he did not want DP there. I was going to not go as I felt bad going without him, but our DD (6) had been counting down the months, then weeks, then days etc until this holiday and so I didn’t want to let her down. So we agreed that I would still go with the children and DP would go on a holiday with his friends, which ultimately ended up to be Ibiza.
Me and the children went May 22nd - May 29th, DP went from the 26th - 30th. When DP got back Friday midday I did what I could to help as he was feeling a bit fragile, and then on the Saturday I took the kids out with my mum so he could have even further time to relax. He was going to come and get our DS (2) in the evening from my mums house whilst I stayed there with DD so I could just have a little break from the craziness of raising a toddler, but when he got there he decided he wanted to stay as well which was fine, and he paid for us all to have a take away.
Once we got home this morning I just asked if he could change DS’s nappy and he just flipped on me telling me I was being unfair and I was doing it to punish him, that I should be grateful that he paid for the take away last night and that he’s (apparently) going to be giving me some money to go away with at the end of the month for my best friends hen do.
I hardly ever ask him to change nappies but I’d felt like from pretty much being a solo parent (he does help more with the cooking side of things) for the last however many days, it wasn’t that big of an ask. Is it the norm that it’s seen as a big ask to get dad to change nappies every now and again or is he being a 🤡?

OP posts:
stillavid · 01/06/2025 14:49

So much to unpick here.

Your DH certainly lucked out with you.

Stripeyanddotty · 01/06/2025 14:51

Another woman with a fucking useless dp.

Vroooooom · 01/06/2025 14:51

Changing nappies is part of being a parent, you shouldn’t even have to ask imo, it should be a case of ‘I’ll do the nappy, you unpack the car’ or whatever.

Your dads response about the holiday is very extreme imo. I take it he doesn’t like your DP already? Does he have concerns about him or something? Or not like how he is with you in general?

Zippidydoodah · 01/06/2025 14:52

stillavid · 01/06/2025 14:49

So much to unpick here.

Your DH certainly lucked out with you.

Lucked in, or lucked out? As I think he’s pretty bloody lucky.

you’re not unreasonable to ask him to change a nappy, op.

stillavid · 01/06/2025 14:55

Oops I meant he was lucky to have the OP.

Would love to know if he planned disagreement so he then got to go to ibiza with his mates rather than family holiday.

Jabberwok · 01/06/2025 14:56

As stated above so much.
1 what a controlling man your father seems. Because you have disagreement with your partners he's not allowed to go away
2 your dp goes off on a lads holiday...hmm ok...when your dad is paying for your holiday
3 He gets a extra day to recover from the holiday hmmm ok. Nice of you
4 you ask him to do a parents job and he kicks off

It seems you have a you problem, or rather a problem with controlling men in your life seemingly on the outside picking one as bad as your father

Hmewoods · 01/06/2025 14:58

Thank you for your replies everyone. I guess I just needed some validation on the situation because I also think he’s been unfair.
I do feel like men can be better but he always feeds me the whole ‘if you ever got in a relationship with anyone else you would see how good I actually am’ and it just makes you question it all doesn’t it? As well as the fact he is the father to my children so it isn’t just me it would affect.
Just get worried about leaving incase there is any regrets.

OP posts:
OneBlossomBee · 01/06/2025 15:01

At first I was going to say why would your dad say your DP couldn't come on holiday when couples have disagreements. It now seems clear your father sees how your DP treats you and didn't want him there to create a tense atmosphere. A father should and can change the nappy of their own child. Does he ever do much parenting, OP? Is he the sort that thinks giving you money creates a hold or power over you? I would be having a serious conversation once the children are in bed about this, how he sees things, his views on parenting and why he thought it was "unfair". Honestly, I'd be thinking to myself if I was you, is this the man I want to spend the rest of my life with after you gave him more time AFTER a holiday away with his friends so he could "relax further". Relax from what? He had a mini break from parenting and YOU deserved time to yourself. I am not 1 for lightly saying question a relationship, except in obvious circumstances, but his reaction, the fact he had had a friends holiday and saying about money as if that makes it all ok to pay for things and his attitude over changing a nappy, would make me question a relationship.

FeralWoman · 01/06/2025 15:03

It was a nappy. A decent man would have no problem with changing his child’s nappy.

You deserve better.

OneBlossomBee · 01/06/2025 15:05

Hmewoods · 01/06/2025 14:58

Thank you for your replies everyone. I guess I just needed some validation on the situation because I also think he’s been unfair.
I do feel like men can be better but he always feeds me the whole ‘if you ever got in a relationship with anyone else you would see how good I actually am’ and it just makes you question it all doesn’t it? As well as the fact he is the father to my children so it isn’t just me it would affect.
Just get worried about leaving incase there is any regrets.

I just saw your post after adding my reply and that line he uses is a huge red flag! He's a manipulator and trying to make you think he's a great partner and you couldn't do better. Do you want to stay with a man who thinks a nappy change is "unfair", makes you think he is the best you can do or that pating for things give him an upper hand? I had someone say to me "you couldn't find a nicer man than me" when he mocked my health issues and called me names and I got blamed if he forgot something when he was an adult and could remember his own appointments etc.

Moll2020 · 01/06/2025 15:07

So to get it right you have a 2 yr old, a 6 yr old and a man size spoilt brat toddler?

outerspacepotato · 01/06/2025 15:07

Feeling fragile after a partycation. 😂

Aww, poor baby. So put upon being asked to change a diaper after his vacation after his vacation. How could you do that to this poor, partied out, hungover, hard working liver still detoxing alcohol and who knows what else, to change his child's diaper.

The PAIN!

No wonder your dad doesn't want this waste of O2 around.

femfemlicious · 01/06/2025 15:07

He sees changing nappies as a punishment. My ex husband refused to change nappies point blank

femfemlicious · 01/06/2025 15:08

stillavid · 01/06/2025 14:49

So much to unpick here.

Your DH certainly lucked out with you.

He has her well trained

femfemlicious · 01/06/2025 15:09

stillavid · 01/06/2025 14:55

Oops I meant he was lucky to have the OP.

Would love to know if he planned disagreement so he then got to go to ibiza with his mates rather than family holiday.

He probably did

Sofiewoo · 01/06/2025 15:09

You need to raise your standards and pick a better life partner. What’s this man teaching your daughter?

Nevertrustacop · 01/06/2025 15:09

Your Dad sees this useless man much clearer than you do op.
I'd go with your dad's opinion and leave this waste of space behind.

Mareleine · 01/06/2025 15:10

Here's how that conversation should have gone:
DP: checks nappy for himself and finds out it needs changing I'm just going to change this.
You shouldn't even need to ask him OP, he should just be doing this off his own bat.

mumda · 01/06/2025 15:11

@Hmewoods
I'm so sorry for you my dear girl. Dump the lazy shit and get on with your life. Be happy without him.

femfemlicious · 01/06/2025 15:13

Hmewoods · 01/06/2025 14:58

Thank you for your replies everyone. I guess I just needed some validation on the situation because I also think he’s been unfair.
I do feel like men can be better but he always feeds me the whole ‘if you ever got in a relationship with anyone else you would see how good I actually am’ and it just makes you question it all doesn’t it? As well as the fact he is the father to my children so it isn’t just me it would affect.
Just get worried about leaving incase there is any regrets.

I hope you are on very good birth control. I won't advise you to leave him but start getting back to work if you don't work. Get yourself a career so you are not fully reliant on him. Don't have any more children under any circumstances. I hope you listen

PinkCherryPie · 01/06/2025 15:14

Of course it's normal for dad's to change nappies. My husband changes way more nappies than me. He also cleans out almost 100% of the poop from nappies (we cloth), because he does it whilst I'm feeding little one to sleep. He never needs to be asked. He just does it.

It shouldn't be "now and again", it should be any time they need changing when dad is in the best position to change them.

Please don't enable his lazy behaviour or listen to his, perhaps abusive, nonsense that he is amazing. He isn't. Any man that spouts that rubbish is never that good.

Balloonhearts · 01/06/2025 15:14

I would ask him why he considers the bare basics of parenting his own child to be a punishment, yet is happy for you to have to do it all? If changing a nappy is a punishment, you must be guilty of wrongdoings on a cosmic level!

Profpudding · 01/06/2025 15:15

You are right in the sense that you’re not gonna get with somebody else who’s then going to change your Son’s nappy and I wouldn’t think you would want them to either.
Is he likely to want to see the children and pay for them if you split up? Only you can answer that
Sometimes it is better to keep them under your roof where at least they’re doing something to contribute as opposed to on permanent vendors in Ibiza doing nothing

frozendaisy · 01/06/2025 15:15

How did you feel on holiday OP? Did you miss DP or was it more fun and relaxing without him there?

JHound · 01/06/2025 15:20

I would have put this one out for Friday’s bin collection years ago.

He is very lucky to be with you.