Shouldn’t have asked him to change the nappy?

[Hmewoods]

Me and DP were supposed to go on holiday with some family (my dad, sister and nieces) over May half term but due to a disagreement between myself and DP, which my dad got wind of, my dad (who had paid for it all) said he did not want DP there. I was going to not go as I felt bad going without him, but our DD (6) had been counting down the months, then weeks, then days etc until this holiday and so I didn’t want to let her down. So we agreed that I would still go with the children and DP would go on a holiday with his friends, which ultimately ended up to be Ibiza.
Me and the children went May 22nd - May 29th, DP went from the 26th - 30th. When DP got back Friday midday I did what I could to help as he was feeling a bit fragile, and then on the Saturday I took the kids out with my mum so he could have even further time to relax. He was going to come and get our DS (2) in the evening from my mums house whilst I stayed there with DD so I could just have a little break from the craziness of raising a toddler, but when he got there he decided he wanted to stay as well which was fine, and he paid for us all to have a take away.
Once we got home this morning I just asked if he could change DS’s nappy and he just flipped on me telling me I was being unfair and I was doing it to punish him, that I should be grateful that he paid for the take away last night and that he’s (apparently) going to be giving me some money to go away with at the end of the month for my best friends hen do.
I hardly ever ask him to change nappies but I’d felt like from pretty much being a solo parent (he does help more with the cooking side of things) for the last however many days, it wasn’t that big of an ask. Is it the norm that it’s seen as a big ask to get dad to change nappies every now and again or is he being a 🤡?

Also I think there is something missing. For your dad to ban your partner from the holiday I doubt it was a “small disagreement.”

What did he do to lead to your dad stopping him coming on holiday? I'm guessing something abusive. This post makes him sound like an awful controlling and emotionally abusive man.
Of course he should have changed his nappy, you shouldn't have to even ask. He also should have been taking the children when he got back from a holiday with his mates after you'd been doing all the parenting. Your not lucky he got a take away, buying a take away for his family is no grand gesture. I'm pretty confident you could find a man much better. Yes there will be some worse than him, but the vast majority will be better.

he always feeds me the whole ‘if you ever got in a relationship with anyone else you would see how good I actually am’

A shit man is still a shit man no matter how many shittier men there are.

OP - you are with a very shit man. Not just a little bit bit but a lot. Don't raise children with those types of men as their shittiness ALWAYS ends up aimed at the children especially once they reach teen years. Get rid and breathe some fresh air.

‘if you ever got in a relationship with anyone else you would see how good I actually am’

To me that would be a reason to stay single not settle for rubbish.

“Lucked out” means to have good luck. She was saying that he’s lucky to have a wife that is so permissive about his shit behaviour.

Good God. Another pathetic male who finds the labour of a 5 min nappy change a complete crisis and a reason to have a completely illogical tantrum. I can imagine him in Ibiza with his Kevin and Perry bucket hat and general infantile ineptitude. How do these useless specimen attract women to breed with them? And pander to them? Baffling.

If a child's nappy needs changing and the child has two able-bodied parents, then they should both be doing half the changes. You don't need to have a vagina to change a nappy. Honestly his behaviour seems disgraceful and it sounds like your dad has a point. My husband did half the nappy changes and he certainly didn't need asking to do it!

Well I never. I always thought it meant you were out of luck until now.

"If you ever got in a relationship with anyone else you would see how good I actually am".

This man has red flags coming out of his ears. No, it is not normal to react that way when asked to change your own child's nappy. Parents should work as a team. You owe yourself and your kids a better life than this.

A man changing a nappy should be as unremarkable as a woman changing a nappy.

And it’s fucking depressing that this still needs to be said, and that so many useless men try to convince women otherwise.

Why are you with this arsehole?

what do you get out of this relationship?

Men who can’t or won’t do basic care for their children are shit. I bet he’s shit in all sorts of other ways too.

Your dad knows that, correct?

Another poor kid saddled with a useless selfish fucker of a father.

I'm shocked by your db behaviour...why isn't he changing his children's nappy ..what century does he think he live in.

Sounds like your dad has this guy’s measure, @Hmewoods

You were right the first time, lucked out does mean to have good luck/good fortune.

It seemed extreme at first for your dad to have banned him from the holiday, but from the rest of your posts he probably had good cause.

He's awful OP and treating you like a doormat.
Him saying you'd see how good you've got it if you leave is such a massive red flag!
🚩🚩🚩🚩

Why do you have to ask him to change a nappy?
He can see it needs changing as much as you can. What a lazy prick.
And him paying for a takeaway does not mean getting out of parenting!

Make sure your contraception is active and up to date. Don't get pregnant again with this fkin waster.

Go gets a jolly in Ibiza and your still the fkin villain. He's done a number on you.

He was going to come and get our DS (2) in the evening from my mums house whilst I stayed there with DD so I could just have a little break from the craziness of raising a toddler, but when he got there he decided he wanted to stay as well which was fine, and he paid for us all to have a take away.

This would annoy me so much. He wormed his way out of taking his 2 year old for an evening, then moans at you about the nappy changing the next day.

Even your dad banning him from the holiday worked out well for him. What luck his friends were able to get time off to go to Ibiza.

He excels at falling upwards, doesn't he.

Sorry for slow reply, it seems the situation has escalated further! Whilst writing my initial post he had gone upstairs to sulk/sleep after the incident. He came down about 20 minutes ago and continued the argument, if I’m honest I think he must have taken stuff over there and this is the after effects of it all because his temper is through the roof. He started saying how I got my break whilst I was on holiday because I had family with me (my dad isn’t much help with the kids and my sister has her own to worry about so definitely wouldn’t have classed it as a break, found it was more relaxing when we got home and back into a toddler proofed environment!) he then started getting really angry when I was telling him that just because he pays for things doesn’t warrant him a free card to leave me to do everything else. He told me that apparently one of the guys he went away with had ended up trashing his house after arguing with their partner and that he would do the same in a minute, then proceeded to boot a football in the kitchen. At this point I asked him to leave calmly over and over again, to which he started hyperventilating saying if I make him leave he’ll kill himself, shouting it in-front of the kids to which DD obviously got upset so I had to retreat, I just went upstairs to remove myself from the situation and try and calm it all down and he followed me giving me more abuse. I’m now upstairs crying on my own whilst he’s turned the music up downstairs singing all happy. Honestly I know the answer to all of this because I have done endless posts regarding similar situations before and the answer is always the same, I have tried to leave so many times and he is so good at manipulating me whether it’s threats to kill himself or uses the kids against me getting DD to beg me to let him stay.
This is all the reasoning for my dad not wanting him there, although I hold my dad at arms length anyway due to him not being the greatest man or father either but is now trying to fix broken bridges in his older years. Probably reasoning for my shitty choice in men - which also makes me realise the damage I will be causing to my children, but I’m also just holding onto the idea that things will change and get better which I’m starting to realise they won’t.

Oh op I’m so sorry you’re going through this, without knowing it you’ve chosen a shitty partner that is probably very similar to your father. I did exactly the same it’s an unconscious thing that a lot of people do . He isn’t going to change so you need to start making a plan, emotionally remove yourself from thinking of him as a partner, expect nothing from him and start to live as if he’s not there. Start putting money aside in an account of your own, get paperwork in order and take advice from citizens advice and a solicitor.

You've got to stop falling for it when he threatens to kill himself. Just stick to your guns and get him out. My dad used to pull that one on my mum, it's so manipulative. You can do it. If he threatens to kill himself again tell him to go to his GP or ring the Samaritans. It's not your problem to solve. Your kids shouldn't have to hear their dad saying this sort of thing. I know you're not on the best of terms, but would your dad help you get him out if you asked him?

That's really sad OP. I'm sorry you are going through this
I hope you look after yourself and leave. You deserve so much better and so do your children.

I'm sorry. He sounds very manipulative. I wouldn't excuse it as a bad come-down; he's always shied away from parenting duties he doesn't like, and I bet you're used to keeping the peace.

You don't have to live this way, nor do your children.