To invite some children but not others to wedding?

[Toadstool101]

Inspired by other wedding posts on here today and having a panic.

We’re having a wedding of approx 100 guests and if we were to allow all children, there would be 36 (all below age 8) at a cost of £80 per child. I cannot fathom how we would provide entertainment for 36 children or maintain any sense of occasion different to a soft play. We have 10 children coming - our own, the children of family who have travelled from abroad, and bridesmaid’s children, who are good friends of our own children. There will also be about 4 babies under 1yo.

Are people going to come to the wedding and be potentially livid that we’ve cherry picked the children that could come? My fiancés cousin asked if their 3 children could come, and we politely explained that we’ve had to restrict due to the high numbers of children. But the threads today are making me worry that people on the day will judge harshly for this.

Our wedding was daytime only and most people were under 2hrs from home. We invited children we knew, but not those we didn't.

It depends if you can give a solid reason.

so for example family children only or bf babies only or children only for people who have come from abroad etc.

I’d always assume the only children invited to a wedding are the children of close family and very close friends of the b&g. I’d never assume or expect my own DC to be invited.
I was at my cousins wedding recently and apart from her own DC and her sisters DC she had the DC of her closest friend who she has been best friends with since primary school and would have a close relationship with her friends children. I get on really well with this cousin but I never expected my DC to be invited and neither did anyone other guests at the wedding. I actually met one of my DCs teachers there (friend of the bride) and she was also saying she was enjoying her child free afternoon/evening out.

I’ve been married twice and both times we worked out who we wanted to be there and then where it would be and how much it would cost and made tweaks as needed. You didn’t suddenly realise there were 36 kids related to the adult guests you were inviting. Why not sort the guest list before committing to a venue? It sounds extortionate if each child will cost £80 - how?! - so you could easily have accommodated everyone somewhere less extravagant. Prioritising a place over people seems odd and bound to lead to problems.

Immediate family and wedding party only is a clear and reasonable boundary. People will whinge, but you simply say "we did a head count of potential child guests and it came to 36 which sadly we simply can't accommodate" ... and nothing else. Any more detail and you'll sound defensive and they'll try to suggest ways around it.

Your wedding, your guest list .... adults, children, dogs, whoever you want.

Some people will be pissed off but also loads of people, if you invite all children, will choose not to bring them. So you can probably chance inviting all of them and giving people the option.

For our wedding we invited everyone with their children, was a horrible idea to me to exclude them. That was 11 children invited and only 5 came. Lots of people prefer to come just as adults.

It’s not only cost. The OP clearly says that she doesn’t want the vibe of the 36 children either. A wedding where a third of the guests are children has a hugely different feel and the OP doesn’t want that. The OP worked out who she wanted to be there as well, and it wasn’t an entire primary school class.

@AnneLovesGilbert but there’s literally no way on earth I would have ever invited 36 young children to our wedding? Even if a venue said they’d pay us £80 per child, we would have declined. It would be my idea of a bad day at a soft play, not a wedding. I’ve been dumbfounded reading threads today saying it’s unreasonable not to invite all children. Unless these people don’t know children.

Our children have only been invited to one wedding and we sorted childcare out. It’s not their idea of fun and it’s not my idea of fun. Obviously completely different if they’re close to the bride and groom.

Entitled parents will be pissed off.
On other threads, some entitled CF moaned that an unknown remote cousin or their neighbour wasn't invited 😂

Others will completely understand.

Please just spare them the patronising "no child so you have a nice night off". I have no problem with child-free, or limited child-only weddings. I arrange my childcare if I can. It pissed me off immensely when it's presented as doing ME a favour, it's not.

This.

How utterly rude and obnoxious for a guest to be ‘livid’ that their DC aren’t invited to a wedding. Don’t go if you are beyond offended - and remember that your DC are the centre of your world but they aren’t the centre of anyone elses.

Why not sort the guest list before committing to a venue?

because most people do not plan their entire wedding around guest's children 😂

I don't see a problem so long as you don't mind people declining the invitation.

You're accommodating the kids of adults you really want to be there.

Anyone who gets a 'no kids' invite knows the score, hopefully - they are the B list, welcome but non-essential, so can cheerfully accept or decline depending on whether they fancy it or not.

When xh & I were deep in the Nappy Valley decade, kid free invites just meant that whichever of us was closest to the bride/groom/both attended solo, unless it was a local do & easy to sort a babysitter.

Or, if whichever of us would be the one to attend just didn't fancy it, a polite refusal & a nice card would be sent.

But yeah...some people do love to see their arse over wedding invitations, so you will probably upset a few. Can't be helped! Idiots gonna idiot.

I genuinely cannot remember giving this any headspace when I got married 25+ years ago .
Two were bridesmaids children ,a couple of babies and a few more children at evening reception.
I know bestmanhad a baby but I cannot remember if the baby came .

We did similar for our wedding (20
+years ago) because there would have been 12+ toddlers if we had included them with all their parents. our kids were young and lots of our friends were in the same stage of life, kids-wise.

as it was, we had 4 - ours and our niece and nephews.

a few people did decline the invitation, probably because their children weren’t invited. Many came and got childcare.

i wouldn’t have done it any differently - the reception would have been like a crèche!

I think it’s absolutely fine to have whoever you want at your wedding. I have been to many weddings over the years without the dc, and it’s not bothered me to see other children (of family and the bridal party etc) there. In fact I’ve sometimes been very grateful to have a day/night just us with no kids to take care of!

We've been to weddings without our children where there have been other children there - I just assumed they were close family or friends children. I have 5 children so personally I wouldn't be offended if they weren't invited to a friend's or extended family weddings. I would just invite who you want and if people get the hump that's really their problem. You can't go through life bending over backwards trying not to offend anyone. Some people get offended very easily!

I think it makes sense - people from abroad won’t be able to get babysitters as they won’t know anyone, babies need to be with mother for bm, and often exceptions are made for bridal party. Some people will be annoyed because you can’t please everyone, but honestly if you invite them all, someone else will be annoyed that they didn’t get an invite or they’ll be annoyed about the kids around. You can’t please everyone and you’re making a pretty logical decision. Have a lovely wedding!

Expect some people to be upset. It could lead to a lop sided acceptable list. I went to a wedding where 6 men turned up without their partners because none of their children were invited. The bride and groom had to invite 6 other people at short notice or waste the cost per person.

I wouldn't be at all bothered OP. I'd never expect my kids to be invited to a wedding and wouldn't blink twice if the kids you mentioned were there and mine were at home. Of all the weddings I've been to, I don't think there's ever really been any children outwith immediate family or wedding party. Don't worry about your decision. It sounds like you've given it thought and have good reason for it so just enjoy your day.

Don’t worry about it. You’ve put a good restriction in. 36 kids would be ridiculous and would completely take over the whole day. It would be chaos, and you’d need a lot of extra entertainment for that many children as well as the insane £80 per child charge.
People will either be happy to have a day away from their children, or they can decline the invitation.

We invited the children of close family, so nephews and nieces and younger cousins, a couple of little babies came and children of friends who had travelled from abroad.

We didn’t invite children of friends or colleagues.

One set of my DH’s friends assumed their DC were invited despite them not being in the invite and he wouldn’t tell them not to bring them!!

I'm just going to echo pp- £80 for each child?!
What on earth are they serving?
How much per head is it for the adults?

Zero issues and anyone that does is a bit precious.

I had a child free wedding except for my nieces who were bridesmaids.

Since having kids I’ve happily attended totally child free and close family/wedding party children (so not mine). Also had to decline one as we had no childcare but there was no drama.

You really don’t need to explain yourself but the rationale is reasonable!

Fuck what other people want. You’re paying for it. People will moan regardless if what happens. Let them moan at least you won’t have wasted money on the kids. Parents should understand that their children are not entitled to be invited to everything. The quicker they learn this the better.