To want to accept that sadly I look older than my age

[OurDoorz]

I am in my early 50s and it's come to my attention that I look about a decade older. Someone said something that made me realise they thought I was much older than I am, and then this aged appearance has been confirmed to me in various ways. It's not my imagination. Please treat it as a fact.

I have sagging jowls and a turkey neck due to weight loss and possibly Ehlers-Danlos (I'm awaiting a diagnosis). These could only be fixed by a face-lift. I also have quite deep crows feet and texture issues which I'm working on with tretinoin and led light therapy, but these will only do so much. Ive also updated my wardrobe with more modern clothes. But without surgery I'm always going to look older than I am.

I've considered surgery and the risk, expense, pain, and recovery time just don't seem worth it to me so I've decided against it. But still, I feel quite depressed about looking older.

AIBU to try to find a way to accept it rather than try to fight it? I just want to feel grateful I'm alive and reasonably healthy and to focus on the things that make me happy, but I'm just feeling quite low. If you've dealt with this please tell me how?

To any unkind posters who will come on here and chastise me saying I'm ageist for not wanting to look 60-something - I'm not ageist at all. Women 60+ can look gorgeous but I just don't want to look ten years older than my age and hopefully thats understandable. To the other unkind posters who will want to use this thread to boast about how young they look please don't, it would be cruel and unnecessary. Thank you.

Not remotely unreasonable. One of the joys of aging is not giving a rats arse about how I look.

I am mid 30s and was mistaken for ten years older too. I have several lines on my forehead, big dark circles under my eyes and rosacea. I don't wear make up, I don't like wasting time doing it and it don't like how it feels. I don't think it helps that many people you come across have some kind of enhancement like Botox or have looked after their skin a lot better than I have! I would like to accept it too, I certainly don't want anything to change it but it is hard looking older than others around you who are in their 40s, when you haven't yet reached that milestone.

I am sure my face looks older as well, am also in my early 50s. Some people age not gradually, but in spurts so to say, so maybe we will stay the way we are and look our age or even younger in our next decade?! 😝 Hormones in the perimenopause definitely play a role.

I am trying to make up for it by trying to keep fit and healthy. Nothing drastic, I am not a sporty person at all, I just like walks and do a little bit of resistance and stretching every now and again, very light exercise really, but it makes me feel better and I am healthier and more mobile than some peoply my age I know, even though they have younger faces.

Face lift is quite extreme - have you tried injectables - some botox and judicious use of fillers from a very good Dr could help a lot.

Also - what's your hair like?

I am similar age and work quite hard at trying to look I would say as fresh as possible. I don't want to look younger per se but I do like to look less grumpy and tired.

You wouldn't be unreasonable to try and accept it and stop fighting it. Trying to fight it probably just keeps your mind on it more and in a more negative space. Focus on what you can change and what makes you feel good about yourself.

It sounds like things have been quite hard for you, and you’re understandably down about it. You may not be able to dramatically change things without surgical intervention, but you could see if making space for self-care helps you feel better in yourself. Things like eating nourishing food, prioritising rest and exercise, and treating yourself to an at-home facial won’t have you looking like Cindy Crawford, but they might help you feel happier in your skin. I promise you’re worth spending time on and I hope you can go a little easier on yourself

Please just be yourself and stop worrying. Nothing gives you confidence and attractiveness like not caring a rat’s arse what others think.

I'm older than you but I went through that sudden ageing thing. In my late forties people were still assuming I was much younger; now they treat me as older than I am. Visually, I aged about 30 years in ten. I've recently started using tret but will never have any surgery or 'tweaks'.

I completely empathise with what you say about accepting it rather than trying to fight it. Now and again I get a bit startled by myself but, on the whole, I don't mind. People do all look different and then age differently, there's no right way as long as we're still breathing!

I agree that we're now very used to seeing women's faces with bits that have been paralysed, other bits puffed up with injectables, partially or wholly reshaped with tucks and darts, sanded down and resurfaced - it skews our ideas of what older faces look like. I really don't see myself as some sort of adjustable doll, but I do sometimes have to give myself a talking-to on the subject 😂

I'll offer two very useful things I learned while I still looked conventionally attractive but was fucked-up in the head:

1. However much people think looks matter, personality matters more. We are always attracted to the lively, expressive character who shows an interest, engages with others and pays attention.
2. Positive self-talk. When you look at your reflection, are you always looking for flaws? Listen to what you're saying yourself (mentally or out loud) and ask yourself if you'd talk to a friend that way. I trained myself to appreciate my face the way I appreciate my friends' - I praise my good qualities and am kind about the sags, wrinkles, bags & blotches!

Only four substances have been clinically proven to improve skin quality: tretinoin, niacinamide (vitamin b3), ascorbic acid (vitamin c) and hyaluronic acid. Don't use them all together. Don't splash your cash on anything making wild claims, just use any basic moisturiser at night (or petroleum jelly!) and a sunscreen during the day.

I'm not sure it's a good idea to use light therapy with tretinoin, btw.

‘You’re alive and reasonably healthy’ is what stands out for me, you’re really lucky.
Do all the things that make you happy!
I’ve earned all my wrinkles and scars, acceptance is key for a lot of things.

It happens to us all. I try to stay positive when not looking at a mirror.
Life has been a harsh on my face, though I find when I make an effort I don't look so bad.
You're alive and healthy.

Of course yanbu to feel this way although I expect you're your own worst critic.

Why not treat yourself to an expensive haircut, I always find that boosts my confidence loads. £150 will buy you a really nice cut and blow dry with a senior stylist and that's a lot cheaper (and no risk of side effects) compared to many tweakments.

A really good haircut will frame your face better to mask any jowls you think you have

@OurDoorz , I'm guessing you're not getting the responses you want here, and I tend to think along those lines too, but I'm not in your shoes, so I'm trying to imagine how I would feel. I'm sure it would knock my sense of self a bit. My Dad has a life limiting illness but lots of spirit and wants to make the most of his time, so he's getting a knee replacement, and I was reminded of him when I read your post. This is your life. What will make your life more enjoyable?

that sounds tough OP. How much weight have you lost and did you lose it quickly? I think that can unfortunately age you.

Thank you so much for all these thoughtful responses. I really feel they're helping. Yours in particular @GarlicMile really resonated with me.

@ListeningToMyInnerChild I lost almost 2 stone quite rapidly and it's caused my face and neck to deflate like a balloon. I think it's the sudden nature of the change that's made it hard to accept. If I'd aged more gradually I think I'd have been able to get used to it bit by bit!

@dudsville I definitely can understand your father wanting his knee replacement. It's about making the most of our time, isn't it? And I guess visibly ageing is difficult in part because it's a reminder our time here is limited.

Oh, and I do have a nice haircut with highlights. I still look old though. I wish I could invent a style where you comb your hair over the front of your neck!

Don't dismiss cosmetic surgery, OP although I accept it's not for everyone. I had some cosmetic surgery a decade back and Oh it made such a difference to my appearance! I absolutely loved the enhancements. Ten years later it still looks good, I am so glad I had it done.

You need to work on your confidence rather than what you look like.

It doesn't matter what you look like. It's the personality that people fall in love with.

You could have the most "perfect" looking person but if they're a total bore then people won't want to know.

Just focus on being you.

Hmm. Do you really or do you just look as most 50 somethings would if they didn’t have procedures?

The pressure to look forever young now is nuts.

I think there are different ways of looking old- some people look older because that’s the natural
shape of their face (just as some people have baby faces and always look like they’re 14 even if a very wrinkly 14yo)- look at Katherine Hepburn. Always beautiful but she also always looked older than she actually was IMO. Id put things like grey hair and wrinkles into this category as well- they make you look older but they don’t make you look worse.

Other kinds of looking older I think are more troubling- where you look older because you don’t look your best. Being overweight, unfit and unhealthy, tired skin, poor posture etc. make you look both older and worse.

My aim is to avoid/address all the category 2 things and accept all the category 1 things.

I also think worrying about how old you look can reflect a feeling of your life not being as you’d hoped for the age you are Don’t know whether that is relevant for you.

Would you wear a scarf? It sounds like it’s your neck you are most conscious of. Treat yourself to something beautiful in a colour that makes people notice your eyes.

Ageing is difficult and it doesn't always happen gradually. I had cancer treatment 10 years ago and while initially, I looked the same afterwards, the stress of it on my body had a drastic effect on my face within a year or so. I literally aged about 10 years within a year following treatment.

I think we have to come to terms with ageing. I don't particularly like how I look (also have a turkey neck and jowls) and seeing other women my age or older who look so much better makes it difficult not to compare myself.

However, I also have a friend who has over the years done little bits to her face & neck. To start with, when she was 55ish, the effects were improving. But as she's continued, they've started looking plastic-y. She looks very false and a bit strange now (I'm not wording this well!).

I think with tweakments and surgeries, a little can be improving. But ongoing use of them end up looking false and weird. We've all seen those celebs who get past a certain stage and just look strange. For a while, we just think, 'Wow, they look good for their age!' and then a few more years pass and they look nothing like their former self and it becomes a kind of mask. I don't want that. I want to look like me, just older.

Ultimately, there is a lot more to us than what our face and body looks like. If we're healthy and have good relationships (not necessarily a partner but family, children, friends), I think we have to accept who we are. Better to be 60 or 70 and look like you than some weird Kris Jenner (look up her most recent surgery) who looks like an entirely different person as if she's had a face transplant.

Tretinoin is a prescription medication? You can't just buy it over the counter and surely doctors can't just prescribe it because someone feels they look old?

How are people just buying it

Due to chronic ill health I now look older than my 47 years. I can't wear make up or expensive face creams due to allergies and I look and feel permanently exhausted. However I don't care anymore. I'm not sure its possible to tell someone else how to not care anymore but for me it stems from losing both parents and having had a difficult life. I take the joys in small things and accept I'm aging anyway so appearance doesn't matter. It's totally OK that it matters to others and there's no judgement, this is just how I've come to terms with it. I tend to be philosophical and spiritual and have never placed much importance on the superficial due to being ill since I was a teenager. That probably helps.

People do age at different rates.

Ageing is tough. I always thought you just got a few more wrinkles and stuff. I didn’t realise your entire effinng face changes shape. I don’t recognize myself anymore. I genuinely start if I catch myself in a mirror!

Anyway, I second what others say. Put your focus elsewhere. Being fit and active will encourage a more positive attitude to your physical self.

Put your efforts into hobbies, skills, learn something new. Anything to give you a more positive focus to life. And achievement outside of what is happening with your skin!

I do wonder about this. I think, as a society, we have unrealistic expectations about what women (and it’s always women) should look like at each stage of their life.

I was a lockdown cliché and let my grey hair grow out. I was 53. And instantly my appearance became a bloody hot topic. I did receive some compliments (and still do occasionally) but it was the ‘wow, you’re so brave’ and ‘I could never do that’ comments that annoyed me most. As if choosing not to dye my hair anymore was an act of defiance. I just couldn’t be arsed! Not in a ‘letting myself go’ kind of way, more that I needed my life not to revolve around the timing of covering up that endlessly re emerging grey stripe on my bonce. I don’t really have wrinkles on my face, but my scaffolding has collapsed and I look kind of saggy and sad. And my dark circles seem resistant to all concealer. I know I look older than my age. BUT, I lost my sister when I was 28 (she was 27) and I try to remind myself how absolutely lucky I am to be here. I know she would have made me laugh for caring about looking older because she had such a great attitude to looks in general and always saw something remarkable about everyone. That’s what I try to do when it comes to others. But then I take it a step further and extend it to myself. We are our own worst critics, aren’t we?