To want to accept that sadly I look older than my age

[OurDoorz]

I am in my early 50s and it's come to my attention that I look about a decade older. Someone said something that made me realise they thought I was much older than I am, and then this aged appearance has been confirmed to me in various ways. It's not my imagination. Please treat it as a fact.

I have sagging jowls and a turkey neck due to weight loss and possibly Ehlers-Danlos (I'm awaiting a diagnosis). These could only be fixed by a face-lift. I also have quite deep crows feet and texture issues which I'm working on with tretinoin and led light therapy, but these will only do so much. Ive also updated my wardrobe with more modern clothes. But without surgery I'm always going to look older than I am.

I've considered surgery and the risk, expense, pain, and recovery time just don't seem worth it to me so I've decided against it. But still, I feel quite depressed about looking older.

AIBU to try to find a way to accept it rather than try to fight it? I just want to feel grateful I'm alive and reasonably healthy and to focus on the things that make me happy, but I'm just feeling quite low. If you've dealt with this please tell me how?

To any unkind posters who will come on here and chastise me saying I'm ageist for not wanting to look 60-something - I'm not ageist at all. Women 60+ can look gorgeous but I just don't want to look ten years older than my age and hopefully thats understandable. To the other unkind posters who will want to use this thread to boast about how young they look please don't, it would be cruel and unnecessary. Thank you.

If you can afford a neck lift, if it is making you miserable, then do it.
If I was rich I'd probably look like Pete Burn's or Katie Price, destroyed.
Stop looking at Instagram too.

Is the weight loss recent? The sagging might improve over a few months.

I agree with pp that if the weight loss is recent, you may find things even out over time.
Why not give yourself a fitness goal to work towards? Get your body as strong and healthy as it can be. That will keep you moving in a youthful manner for longer. It should hopefully help you feel better about your appearance as you will be glowing (even if sagging!)

You could grow a big bushy beard 😀

Just wear a light weight scarf to disguise your neck area, many women have less than firm necks.

If you don't want to try injectables maybe try less invasive treatments like hifu? cheap compared to surgery and it encourages collagen production so gives a natural effect.

Women age far more noticeably than men due to oestrogen dropping off a cliff. Have you thought about hrt? Obviously it isn't for cosmetic reasons but if you have other issues too it could be something to consider.

Thanks again for the responses. I lost the weight about a year ago so sadly the sagging is probably here to stay at this point. I'm on hrt and I'm fit and healthy (I'm a runner). And unfortunately scarves don't really help as the sagging is quite high up on the neck so not really something I can hide with a scarf (trust me, I've tried!).

In all honesty I'd probably be willing to have surgery except I had an adverse reaction to general anaesthesia in the past that could have been fatal so I can't take the risk. I've ordered a ziip halo as some people say they help, and with the tretinoin and led panel I'm hoping I'll see some improvement in time.

But I really think the key has got to be acceptance. It's true some of my friends are getting tweakments and look amazing but at some point they're going to have to let nature take its course or end up looking really weird. Other friends are aging naturally but just not as rapidly as I am. Logically I think - what does it matter, my husband doesn't care what I look like and loves me regardless, I have lots of friends and a happy, active life. I know I'm extremely lucky and I'm grateful for what I have. But still, my sagging face really bothers me and I'm quite sad about it and I don't quite know why.

Hifu looks interesting @Gloriia !

I suspect a lot of this is more visible to you than anyone else.

Not so sure about the sagging being permanent, OP. I lost a huge amount of weight as I approached my 50th. Had a lot of saggy skin on my tummy but within about 2 years most of it had tightened beautifully. No stomach exercises as such, just walking.

Brilliant procedure. You don't get the puffy look of fillers it just gets the collagen working overtime for a plumper look. Few hundred quid depending on location but effects can last a year/18mths.

I’m at the beginning of my 50s journey and was slightly horrified but then started dating a 37-year-old and now I feel so much better for it. You should give it again.
Seriously, you get to 50 in my opinion and you’re just grateful that your body is carrying all your internal organs through life and functioning
Anything else is actually a bonus

I doubt and would be so upset if I lost friends if I suddenly aged 10 years overnight. OP when I was 35 I was hospitalised for 9 months, I won't bore you with the details, but part of the reason was I was too thin. Consequently once I was able to eat the nurses set about fattening me up. Meals, ensure drinks, snacks, pudding. Every week they would weigh me in a wheelchair and hide the weight. I think they must have thought I was anorexic. I wasn't, I became extremely thin due to not being able to keep food down and constantly feeling nauseous. I had some weird viral illness.

Anyway I slobbed about in hospital clothes like loose trousers and dresses. I was sat in a chair all day as I couldn't walk. Miracously one day I got the wonderful physio who figured out what was wrong, got the Dr's to change my meds and within a week I was home. None of my clothes fit. It felt horrible. I had gone from size 10 to 16. So in a way I know how you feel. I was embarrassed to meet people, but noone mentioned it. They all were just glad I was better. Looks really don't matter. Also in my experience it is the pretty women who spend a lot of time and money on their appearance that find aging the hardest, my sister is one of them. I have been told I am prettier than her when we were younger. Those people should never have said it. Perhaps that is why she spends hrs doing makeup, gets botox, spends £££ on her hair, not to mention her clothes. She looks great, but the amount of time and money she spends is insane. I walk the dog and spend 5 mins putting makeup on for work or going out.

Just be yourself, it is too much energy trying to be someone you're not. You sound lovely.

I’m another one who aged 10 years seemingly overnight. Part of it was letting my hair go grey in lockdown, like a pp. But I know my face looks older regardless of that. I genuinely don’t care. I’m 55 but if someone thinks I’m 65, so what? It has no effect on my life.

I’m currently under investigation for a health issue that could be nothing much or could be very serious. How old I look is the least of my concerns. I’m happy just to be here enjoying life for as long as I have left!

I think women in their early 50s do often age dramatically. I know I did, but often it’s exacerbated by having children/teens plus older parents who need one plus working hard in a career and being a bit more self demanding in terms of household stuff.

If a couple of these things taper off, you’ll notice your face looks younger, because rest and sleep are the best beauty treatments on the market ( I’m not saying one early night, but being rested in general).

This might not be possible right now, but once eg children are slightly older or you decide to work fewer hours, you’ll notice a difference.

Feathers might cover up the neck a bit.

I always looked young for my age and took it for granted, but now at 60 I would say those days are well over and I don't care. Like you op I am jowly and as I am on a weight loss journey that will only get worse. Just be as well and as healthy as you can, people might think you look older, but really they don't give a shit whether you look older or not, so why should you. Do you really want to end up a beautiful, young looking corpse, or would you rather end up someone who has enjoyed like to the full, and looks it?

As we age, one of two things happen depending on how afraid we are of ageing.

We can look old, or we can look weird.

I second this. Somewhere in my 50s I suddenly aged, it was a bit traumatic! I'm in my 60s now, I just try to focus on how I feel rather than how I look. I took up weights, this hasn't changed how I look but has changed how I feel big time. I'm not saying I don't care how I look but I care a lot less these days.

I just don’t look in the mirror.

I am 45 and I’ve always looked younger. I had my first child at 21, and people were always shocked when I told them his age, it was all “god, really? You look late 20s” etc.

Then the last 6 year of my life happened, and especially in the last year, every moment of dispair, trauma and stress is showing on my face and I have changed beyond recognition. I look like a different person and ten years older.

So, no mirrors it is.

I'm in healthcare so always see the date of birth & age for patients - most people look their age, usually the ones who look much older are smokers/ heavy drinkers/ drugs users. Sometimes I see elderly people who look a good decade or 2 younger than they are which is brilliant but that reflects good general health not looks. What I'm trying to say is that you probably look closer to your age than you think.
Bad teeth is very aging - looking after your teeth & hair is definitely the best use of resources.

Do you do yoga? Good posture can be so empowering. I have a friend who’s in her 60s, her face has sun damage but because she’s fit and energetic, with great posture, people don’t seem to notice her age.

Well that makes a change given that most women on MN claim that they look 10 years younger than they are. I suppose that someone has to average it out! Seriously though, I don’t think that people age a steady rate. Someone who doesn’t appear to age may suddenly age 10 years in 2 years. You may find that you don’t age much over the next decade or so and still look the same at 60.

Speak for yourself! Why should people stop caring at any given age?!

I always got people literally shocked I was 50. They thought I looked 40ish and I probably did.
Roll on 10 years and I’ve aged a lot in the last 5 years. I definately look my age now.

I’ve started exercising quite abit. Walking, running and yoga and lifting weights. The main difference is I’ve got more of a glow and I feel more confident.
I do yoga/weights at home, so no cost involved.

Ive always had a good skincare routine.
Lots of water, overhaul your diet and try and get plenty of sleep.
It’s worth a go OP.

I'm good as far as skincare, sleep, diet and exercise are concerned. I just think I need to care less. I agree with those who've said it's possible to suddenly age rapidly!