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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Just found this out about ex

80 replies

Mummaonherown · 31/05/2025 15:05

A neighbour returned from overseas on Thursday, she left in August last year.

I saw her when hanging out my washing yesterday afternoon.

She asked me how I was, and then asked if I was still with my partner (now ex) I told her no.
She then went on to tell me the following
August bank holiday, on the Sunday the night before she was due to fly out, she saw my ex violently attack a man (we had an air BnB in the block next to me, he and his wife were a nuisance but harmless) she saw him punch him twice, and when he fell to the ground he kicked him and then picked him up and smashed his head into a bollard (he was drunk, the man not my ex)
I knew there was a fight/attack of some kind but because my ex said he was going to his friends house I didn't think it was him.
She lives on the 3rd floor so could see it all, it was pretty much outside my block.

I knew something had happened as I saw blue flashing lights, and heard a helicopter and then saw a forensic van. I rang my ex and he was fine so I didn't assume anything.
He didn't come to my home for a week but told me he was unwell.

Because the man couldn't say what had happened and was really drunk and no witnesses (my neighbour should have said something) they assumed he fell and left it at that.

I asked my neighbour if it was definitely my ex and she said yes, I saw him coming out the block and it instantly happened I was closing my blinds, I saw him look back. I asked why she didn't say something and she said she was scared for me (herself) and my son. But she wished she did.

I asked my ex and he's admitted it and said (so what) we have a really bad relationship, he now lives with his new GF and her 3DD.
I'm really feel uneasy with this information, the smashing a man's head into a bollard makes me feel sick.

How would you approach this situation, my ex isn't a good dad at all he only wants to see my son if his gf and her 3 children can come along.
My ex also told me that his GF's ex was done for manslaughter 14 years ago, stabbed the man 12 times.
Now she's got another violent man in her home, 7 months in
What would be reasonable and unreasonable in my situation, should I tell her should I go to the police

OP posts:

Original poster

Mummaonherown · 31/05/2025 15:24

@Extraavailable he didn't admit it by text, he's not silly but he admitted it verbally.

I'm going to speak to my neighbour tonight and ask her if she would be willing to report it

OP posts:

Extraavailable · 31/05/2025 15:24

Mummaonherown · 31/05/2025 15:19

@Extraavailable I texted him as soon as she told me, I just knew she was telling the truth. After much "no I didn't" he then admitted it

So he actually rang you to admit this?

dnadiscoveryquery · 31/05/2025 15:25

This reply has been deleted

We are withdrawing this post to ensure the link is not visible

Op, I’d ask Mumsnet to delete. You can still see the version of what people write here even when they edit. So the link is still here.

Extraavailable · 31/05/2025 15:27

Immediately after a vicious attack with a neighbour with whom there was clearly history for you to describe him as a “drunk” and “a nuisance”… your OH goes AWOL for a week…. And you didn’t put 2 and 2 together?

the police didn’t do door to door enquiries given it was right outside this block of flats?

Original poster

Mummaonherown · 31/05/2025 15:28

@Extraavailable no I rang him, he ignored my 2 messages, it's only when I told him that he was seen that he admitted it when I rang him. He said he thought he saw someone at the blinds/window.

OP posts:

Extraavailable · 31/05/2025 15:29

Mummaonherown · 31/05/2025 15:28

@Extraavailable no I rang him, he ignored my 2 messages, it's only when I told him that he was seen that he admitted it when I rang him. He said he thought he saw someone at the blinds/window.

And how did this conversation end? I’m surprised he was so honest with his ex when had no need to be at all

Extraavailable · 31/05/2025 15:32

You need to completely take your “concern” for the Ow and her children out of the equation. It doesn’t fly op.

so the focus is speaking to your neighbour.

but even if she says no… I would still go to the police

your ex will have a record anyway. Guaranteed

Original poster

Mummaonherown · 31/05/2025 15:33

@Extraavailable yes him and his wife/gf were constantly arguing during the stay in the block of flats had the police called twice.
He was sitting on people's cars and being loud, however he never caused any problems to me/my ex.

Next to my block (I live on a main road) there are houses and maisonettes. The man rolled underneath a parked car on the main road.
The police knocked on people's doors (in the houses and marionettes) but due to it being summer holidays/10.00 at night - there were no witnesses.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mummaonherown · 31/05/2025 15:35

@Extraavailable it ended when he put the phone down, he didn't say much apart from yeah it was me and so what.
He has a very careless attitude and because he's got away with it he doesn't care.
Now my neighbour is back, he had a feeling he was seen he couldn't really say she made it up, why would she.

OP posts:

DorothyStorm · 31/05/2025 15:37

Id be looking to move my child far away from him, and also go to the police.

Original poster

Mummaonherown · 31/05/2025 15:37

@CursiveCrisis thank you

OP posts:

Extraavailable · 31/05/2025 15:42

Mummaonherown · 31/05/2025 15:35

Of course he could say she’d made it up or mistaken identity

if the neighbour refused to op, do you intend to still go to the police?

Extraavailable · 31/05/2025 15:43

Someone like your ex is going to be very well known to the police already

Extraavailable · 31/05/2025 15:47

What happened about the benefit fraud case against him?

AcrossthePond55 · 31/05/2025 15:50

@Mummaonherown

So at this point, your neighbour was an eye witness but what you have is technically 'hearsay'. If your neighbour won't go to the police, I think it's a dead end.

You can go to the police, but chances are all they'll do is call your neighbour and ask her if what you say is true. If she didn't care enough to call the police 'as it was happening' chances are she won't want to 'get involved' now. I'm not saying not to, just that it probably won't go anywhere.

As far as your ex's GF, by all means let SS know. But since your ex doesn't have a police record (unless I missed something) there will be nothing SS can do. He'll deny any such incident, there is no proof he's violent, and he'll probably paint you as a vindictive ex.

edit: I certainly wouldn't be encouraging a relationship between your son and his father. He's obvs NOT the kind of role model you want around him. I wouldn't ever contact him to make arrangements to see your son, let him make that move. If he doesn't, good. You also say "he only wants to see my son if his gf and her 3 children can come along". If this means they come to your house to see DS I'd tell him that's no longer going to happen. If that stops his visits, so much the better.

Try to find better role models for him; grandad, uncle, nephew. And if that means moving to where your family is, so much the better. A father like your ex is best seen from a distance, if at all.

Original poster

Mummaonherown · 31/05/2025 15:56

@Extraavailable still ongoing. I get no money at all. He claimed a tax rebate though and I was told to HMRC which I did beginning of the month. Hopefully there's movement soon

OP posts:

Extraavailable · 31/05/2025 15:58

Mummaonherown · 31/05/2025 15:56

@Extraavailable still ongoing. I get no money at all. He claimed a tax rebate though and I was told to HMRC which I did beginning of the month. Hopefully there's movement soon

do not contact him op
absolutely do not contact the OW
Speak to neighbour
irrespective of outcome of conversation with neighbour, go to police

the end

Extraavailable · 31/05/2025 15:59

When he went AWOL for a week immediately on the night of this attack, and then claimed he had disappeared for a week because he was “unwell”…. You didn’t have any suspicions?

Fargo79 · 31/05/2025 15:59

Well I think you've been very silly to call him and confront him. That seems like a pure drama-seeking move and not in anybody's interests. You've made it impossible now to safely contact the police without him immediately knowing that you're behind it and potentially endangering yourself and your child.

I don't understand why anybody would advise to "mind your own business". You have information about a very violent crime. The right thing to do is (was) to contact the police and tell them the information that you have i.e. the conversation with your neighbour who witnessed the crime take place. And also to let them know that your ex is now living with 3 children. They could then visit the neighbour to take a statement. She may well have declined, but at least you would have done the right thing. As far as the 3 children go, you would then have handed over the relevant information for safeguarding purposes and it would be dealt with (or not) according to proper procedures.

MILLYmo0se · 31/05/2025 16:08

Well you going to have to warn your neighbour now that he knows she saw him and is telling people about it...... She d be safer at this point to go to police before he decides to threaten her

Original poster

Mummaonherown · 31/05/2025 16:08

@Extraavailable yes/no he was going to his friends house that night anyway, and I assumed he would stay over due to being bank holiday. He went to notting hill on the Monday and then to his mum's Monday night as she lives NW London then stayed there the week claiming he was unwell from "food"
I started to suspect something when he was asking alot of questions about what happened days later. But he still told me it wasn't him

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 31/05/2025 16:09

Why does the neighbour not report it. She was an eye witness. It all sounds a bit fishy to me.

Extraavailable · 31/05/2025 16:11

Extraavailable · 31/05/2025 15:58

do not contact him op
absolutely do not contact the OW
Speak to neighbour
irrespective of outcome of conversation with neighbour, go to police

the end

Show quote history

Will you?

Original poster

Mummaonherown · 31/05/2025 16:13

@Viviennemary she was afraid, she didn't want to say anything in case it came on me she said, and I imagine afraid for herself.

I told her she should have that night and she now regrets it

OP posts:

Extraavailable · 31/05/2025 16:13

Viviennemary · 31/05/2025 16:09

Why does the neighbour not report it. She was an eye witness. It all sounds a bit fishy to me.

The entire thing sounds fishy
the OP’s faux concern for the woman who her husband left her for
the fact he went awol for one week commencing from the night of the attack
the neighbour seeing everything but not saying anything
the ex just randomly admitting over the phone that yes he’d done it

OP…. Encourage neighbour to report )she won’t) but don’t let that stop you reporting him to the police. As I say, guarantee your ex will have quite a record and the police probably know him very well

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