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Original poster

Thinking about divorce at 21 weeks pregnant

52 replies

CarrotCake69 · 30/05/2025 06:10

We've been together for 10 years now. Things got very tough at one point but he promised to change (and did change to some extent) so we got back together. Fast forward and I am 21 weeks pregnant. Baby very much wanted. However, my husband has a problem with drinking. He was controlling it well before I became pregnant but he seems not to care anymore. He's not violent or anything like that but I just can't stand it anymore. I don't want to spend the rest of my life where half of it is wasted by him being drunk. I just can't stand it anymore. I am tired of talking to him and explaining what impact it has on me. It's pointless as no actions are being taken.

The problem is, I have no family support whatsoever (they're all abroad). The house is in his name. I literally have nowhere to go. I do have financial means to get me through but moving all my stuff and settling in a new home at this point I just don't think is practically do-able or safe given I am not able to drag stuff around, build furniture etc.

I am thinking I need to wait till the baby is safely out and I can start making plans then. In the meantime I could have some legal consultation to see what's the best way to go around it.

Has anyone done this? Am I right thinking I need to wait till the baby comes first? Where do I start?

I might be more emotional because of hormones but seriously I'm just done. I love him when he's sober but I am not ready to sacrifice my life.

OP posts:
Biropens · 30/05/2025 06:11

Has he ever received treatment?
Does he accept he has a problem?
does he hold down a job?
do you work?

Golidlocksandthethreeswears · 30/05/2025 06:14

It will be so much harder for you to leave once baby is already here.

You are brave and clearly putting your baby first, their safety once theyre here is paramount and a newborn with a drunken parent aounds like a potential recipe for disaster. In terms of practical help for moving, do you have friends who can help? Or can you afford to pay for help if needed?

Blackkittenfluff · 30/05/2025 06:15

Yeah, they get worse when the woman gets pregnant.
By they I mean alcoholic men.

They don't want kids.
They just want to drink.

I'd cut my losses if I were you.
He'll never change.

Genevieva · 30/05/2025 06:15

Think about where you’d most like to be if you leave him. If it’s with your family, leave asap and have the baby there. It will be much harder to move away from your husband once the baby has been born.

MinnieMountain · 30/05/2025 06:19

I would leave ASAP. It might sound hard now but it’s going to be harder once you’re recovering from giving birth and probably getting very little sleep.

Philandbill · 30/05/2025 06:19

Leave him now. A friend stayed with her alcoholic husband for years. He became violent. I shudder to think of the long term effects on her child. She left anyway eventually, earlier would have saved much grief. Your husband's actions are showing his priorities. So sorry OP, this is hard.

PopThatBench · 30/05/2025 06:19

I’ve been in a different situation in my pregnancy (I’m now 33 weeks) but basically my Mum died and I was her next of kin and given 2 weeks to move her belongings out of her home (Council property).
I was 22 weeks pregnant when she died.
I had to carry her furniture/dismantle/rebuild things and carry things to the local tip/charity shops etc. The heaviest items were her fridge-freezer and oven, my god white goods are heavy.
It was hard and I had to take lots of breaks and trust my body but I did it.
I am not recommending this as I only know what my body is capable of but if you have anybody that could help you, it can be done. Whether it’s colleagues/neighbours you know or trust etc.
If you could afford it, a reliable removal team would also help you physically carry items.

Original poster
CarrotCake69 · 30/05/2025 06:21

I have a job and would be able to support myself and the baby. It wouldn't be easy but we would get though ok and have happy little life. The problem is I have no family and no friends who could support me. I would be completely on my own (if I had family I wouldn't worry about it). I'm sure he would cause no harm to the baby but I just don't want to spend my life with him being drunk.

OP posts:
WaltzingWaters · 30/05/2025 06:24

Get out now. It’ll be much harder once baby is here. You’ll be sleep deprived, exhausted and have a baby to care for too.
having a newborn around a drunk can be potentially dangerous too, even if he’s not aggressive he won’t be fully in control of his actions and could easily fall asleep while holding baby, or fall over with baby.

You say you are married, so hopefully that means even if the house is in his name you’ll be entitled to part of it?

Best of luck, I’m so sorry you’re going through this at what’s such a crazy point in your life. You’re doing the best thing for your baby (and yourself) by getting them away from a house with a drunk parent. I think starting fresh before the baby arrives will be much better and safer for you all. And just maybe it’ll give him the motivation to get help so that he can be in his child’s life. You got this mama.

Original poster
CarrotCake69 · 30/05/2025 06:25

@PopThatBench - congrats on your pregnancy and sorry about your loss. That must have been scary. Well done for getting this done (and hopefully never again). I had a miscarriage before so don't want to do anything to harm the baby.

OP posts:
TreeDudette · 30/05/2025 06:30

You need to leave now. It will be so much harder physically and mentally with a small baby. Hire a local handyman to help with putting together furniture and a man with a van to load and transport it. Explain your situation and pay them for their time and they’ll put the furniture where in your new place that you need it to go. I moved house at about 20 odd weeks and it went fine, I just had to pay 2 guys to shift all the heavy stuff for me. Good luck!

Biropens · 30/05/2025 06:31

CarrotCake69 · 30/05/2025 06:21

I have a job and would be able to support myself and the baby. It wouldn't be easy but we would get though ok and have happy little life. The problem is I have no family and no friends who could support me. I would be completely on my own (if I had family I wouldn't worry about it). I'm sure he would cause no harm to the baby but I just don't want to spend my life with him being drunk.

Does he accept he has a problem? Ever sought treatment?
does he hold down a job?

LittleSoo · 30/05/2025 06:34

You say your family are in a other country, are you not from the UK? Consider if you'd want to live her or in the other country as moving countries will be very difficult once baby is born as you'll likely need the father's permission and go through courts etc.

ReplacementBusService · 30/05/2025 06:36

Don't wait until you have the baby. Really really do not wait for that reason. You may be tired and feel vulnerable now, but both those things will be doubly triply true. Make arrangements somewhere to rent ASAP and speak to him when he is sober to explain you have to do this. If he gets long term sober maybe you can reconsider in future. This is easy to type and very hard to actually do. You will meet new friends.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/05/2025 06:39

LittleSoo · 30/05/2025 06:34

You say your family are in a other country, are you not from the UK? Consider if you'd want to live her or in the other country as moving countries will be very difficult once baby is born as you'll likely need the father's permission and go through courts etc.

Exactly. If you want to live near your family, you should leave now and have the baby abroad. If you don’t, I would still separate now. You won’t have the energy to do it once the baby is here. The body takes a long time to recover plus you will have a newborn, who even if they sleep well will give you severely disturbed sleep.

Supima · 30/05/2025 06:39

As everyone else says, if you’d rather live close to family for support move NOW. You likely won’t be able to once the baby is born if he objects. As you are married you have a claim on the house regardless of whose name is on the deeds.

Biropens · 30/05/2025 06:39

Give birth in the country you feel most supported in op

EmeraldShamrock000 · 30/05/2025 06:41

Things will get worse when the baby arrives, you'll be more vulnerable than you are now.

Velvian · 30/05/2025 06:51

Return to your home country before the baby is born. Otherwise, you could easily be trapped there.

Springtime97 · 30/05/2025 06:52

I think it will be harder to leave once you’ve had the baby too.

You could move and make do with bare minimum until baby is here? The last bed I ordered was a divan and just needed unwrapping and pushing together. Baby can have a Moses basket for the first few ish months

Muffinmam · 30/05/2025 06:53

CarrotCake69 · 30/05/2025 06:10

We've been together for 10 years now. Things got very tough at one point but he promised to change (and did change to some extent) so we got back together. Fast forward and I am 21 weeks pregnant. Baby very much wanted. However, my husband has a problem with drinking. He was controlling it well before I became pregnant but he seems not to care anymore. He's not violent or anything like that but I just can't stand it anymore. I don't want to spend the rest of my life where half of it is wasted by him being drunk. I just can't stand it anymore. I am tired of talking to him and explaining what impact it has on me. It's pointless as no actions are being taken.

The problem is, I have no family support whatsoever (they're all abroad). The house is in his name. I literally have nowhere to go. I do have financial means to get me through but moving all my stuff and settling in a new home at this point I just don't think is practically do-able or safe given I am not able to drag stuff around, build furniture etc.

I am thinking I need to wait till the baby is safely out and I can start making plans then. In the meantime I could have some legal consultation to see what's the best way to go around it.

Has anyone done this? Am I right thinking I need to wait till the baby comes first? Where do I start?

I might be more emotional because of hormones but seriously I'm just done. I love him when he's sober but I am not ready to sacrifice my life.

You need to leave and establish yourself with your family well BEFORE your baby is born because your disgusting drunk husband will apply for custody and prevent you from leaving.

Once women get pregnant is when men show who they really are. Your husband waited until he thought you couldn’t leave. You need to leave before he can stop you via legal channels.

DelphiniumBlue · 30/05/2025 06:59

Get some legal advice. If you are married you have rights in respect of the house and will be entitled to a share of the equity.

TheAmusedQuail · 30/05/2025 07:10

Do it before the baby. Once the baby has arrived, you'll be trapped and it'll be almost impossible.

You'll be post-birth and vulnerable. You'll be exhausted from sleepless nights and will have all of your waking time taken up, caring for the baby. There will literally be no time available to pack, move, carry etc.

Postponing a move until you've had the baby will trap you in your marriage for the next 2/3/4 years. At which point his alcoholism will be affecting your child. This was my experience of being married to an alcoholic. I wish I'd left him years earlier.

And as others have said, go home! It'll be easier for you in the long term and better for your baby. I know none of this is easy. But very sadly, this IS life with an alcoholic.

Velvian · 30/05/2025 07:17

Don't underestimate how lonely it is having a newborn @CarrotCake69 . It is much lonelier than being alone without a baby.

The things that seem important to you now, that are keep you where you are living, may become irrelevant.

beAsensible1 · 30/05/2025 07:24

Can you go back to your family?

You don’t have a single friend here ? Only him? I wouldn’t recommend waiting until the baby is here especially if your only support system is him. That is a nightmare situation