Thinking about divorce at 21 weeks pregnant

[CarrotCake69]

We've been together for 10 years now. Things got very tough at one point but he promised to change (and did change to some extent) so we got back together. Fast forward and I am 21 weeks pregnant. Baby very much wanted. However, my husband has a problem with drinking. He was controlling it well before I became pregnant but he seems not to care anymore. He's not violent or anything like that but I just can't stand it anymore. I don't want to spend the rest of my life where half of it is wasted by him being drunk. I just can't stand it anymore. I am tired of talking to him and explaining what impact it has on me. It's pointless as no actions are being taken.

The problem is, I have no family support whatsoever (they're all abroad). The house is in his name. I literally have nowhere to go. I do have financial means to get me through but moving all my stuff and settling in a new home at this point I just don't think is practically do-able or safe given I am not able to drag stuff around, build furniture etc.

I am thinking I need to wait till the baby is safely out and I can start making plans then. In the meantime I could have some legal consultation to see what's the best way to go around it.

Has anyone done this? Am I right thinking I need to wait till the baby comes first? Where do I start?

I might be more emotional because of hormones but seriously I'm just done. I love him when he's sober but I am not ready to sacrifice my life.

OP, you can't assume he would cause no harm to your baby. My ex hid his drinking until I was pregnant, then he stopped bothering. It meant I could never leave baby with him, never let him drive, never trust him to do anything alone.

If your dh isn't actively trying to stop drinking, you need to get out now.

Find a little flat and a handyman, and ask him to help you move. It will be much harder after your baby is born.

It will be much easier to get out now and sort yourself out, than wait until after the baby is born.

I would be looking to move out asap.
Because you need time to find somewhere, get settled and come to terms with it all before the baby arrives.

You say if you leave him you will have no support but realistically how much support can he be when he’s drunk?
If you go into labour can he drive you to the hospital?
Would you feel safe leaving a fragile new born baby around him?

I would move out and plan alternative support such as taxi numbers, surestart charities etc.

Don’t worry about a divorce etc just yet.
I think even if you decide to stay in a relationship, you need to move out asap and focus on yourself and the new baby for a while.

Trust me it’s so much more distressing to have a new born around, with a partner who is absolutely useless.

Get legal advice, you are married so longer term you will have access to the shared assets and it sounds like you have a good job so can support your child and house.

If the legal advice agrees for you to move now and rent for a bit can you ask one of your family to come and support you for a little bit when the baby arrives?

I was lucky when I left my baby was 1, I had a good career and could afford a live in nanny when I went back to work but in fairness it was around the same price as crèche.

If you would like to move close to your family, do it before baby is born, courts can prevent moving with dc

I cannot stress enough how much I think you really need to leave before you bring a newborn home to this man.

If he was able to control himself or his drinking then you wouldn’t be in this position, the fact it is out of control means you can never ever be sure he wouldn’t harm you child- he will. Even if he doesn’t mean to, he will.

BIL is an alcoholic, he is not allowed to see my 1 year old. I certainly wouldn’t have allowed him to stay anywhere near her. You have no support either way because you could never trust him with her anyway so at the point you have no support you’re far better off being alone and knowing your baby is safe in their own home.

You can absolutely move now. The advice on lifting and carrying things isn't about keeping the baby safe, it's due to your muscles and ligaments relaxing due to the hormones you produce in order to deliver the baby. So you are better doing it now. I was carrying fully built wardrobes at 34 weeks pregnant.

I think if you can leave him now then I would. As others have said it will be really difficult to do so once the baby is here. Sending you all my best wishes - it is such a hard situation to be in.

You can't leave your baby at any time with their drunk father so I don't see how he is any kind of safe,reliable support anyway. You aren't any better with him than without.

Get out now. I was married to an alcoholic and it was an absolute nightmare with him and a new baby. You can easily move now but you do need to do it now. You’re 21 weeks pregnant. You don’t have an arm or a leg missing. So there is plenty you can do.
Believe me when I say it is easier being a single mother than being married to an alcoholic. The time is difficult is when you are ill. You do need some kind of back up, be it a local nanny or childminder you know you can lean upon, even if you have to pay them.

Well I am going to go a bit against the grain here and ask how useful is he? Is he working and sober in the week and then drinking at the weekend etc. I am asking because if feel like people are presuming he is drinking all the time and actually it might be twice a month benders.

if he is useful then I would consider staying for a bit. I did this … I knew I had to leave but I waited until dc was a bit older and I had some free hours childcare and dc was able to entertain herself for a bit so I could do what was needed. It is very hard having a baby on your own. Provided he is safe, not abusive, and some use I would consider staying for a bit.

I don’t know if everyone advising you to go has experienced having a baby alone…. It’s very very hard…

Considering that OP has said: “ I don't want to spend the rest of my life where half of it is wasted by him being drunk” it’s safe to assume this isn’t a case of 2 monthly benders.

A drunk is NEVER safe around a baby, never. Abusive or not, someone who cannot control their drinking is not safe around a baby, that’s a fact.

I don’t think anybody is saying raising a baby alone is easy but you know what’s harder? Taking your tiny baby to the hospital injured by a drunk. Or worse still? Burying your baby because safe, non abusive, drunk dad was holding the baby on the sofa while mum had a shower, or a nap, or cook a meal, and because he was 15 cans deep he fell asleep.

I totally agree with what you say… however I am assuming that op is a reasonable and sensible person and wouldn’t even be considering staying if he was drinking at this level….and wouldn’t consider leaving the baby with him when he was drunk…

for instance my ex was always sober in the day… so was useful to me in the day…. and he was predictable with his drinking behaviour.

we have left now , and it became horrendous when I left but I don’t regret my decision to stay for a bit.

Can you go to family abroad before the baby is born?
He can stop you leaving if you have the baby with him.
Contact Women's aid for advice.

Things will be more complicated not easier after the baby arrives.

Get onto support services now.

I was literally in your shoes, and by the time the baby was four months old he was in rehab, but the time she was six months old we'd split up. I think the hard truth is that this probably ends with divorce - but right now it depends how you want to handle that, and how much you need to try in order to feel ready to leave. I think I needed to see that fatherhood wouldn't change my ex, before I could bring myself to leave.

Also this goes without saying but don't leave the baby with him - ever. Mine fell asleep drunkenly holding our daughter, and if I hadn't been in the next room, checking every two minutes, she might have suffocated.

I am very sorry that this has happened to you - but my daughter is the best thing that ever happened to me and I wouldn't change anything about her, including who her father is, and I think you will feel the same.

Would he consider trying AA or something similar?

@LittleGwyneth - thanks for sharing your story. I'm glad it worked out for you at the end and hope he still has relationship with your daughter. I can connect with you saying that you needed to see how the fatherhood to change him (or not in his case).

@Wish44 - he's certainly not drunk every day falling over etc. He is self employed and looking to start well respected university in autumn to change his career. So I certainly think he would be useful when the baby comes. But he drinks over the weekend. And I can't be bothered listening to his nonsense and putting up with him anymore. This is my life and my weekends too and spending my free time which I get so little of with him being drunk is not what I want for the rest of my life. I explained to him how this affects me and what impact it has on me. He does improve for a bit but then goes back to his old ways. I don't want a husband whom I need to keep on explaining/asking the same thing over and over again. I rather be on my own then. If it wasn't for the pregnancy I would have acted sooner.

@LittleGwyneth - may I ask you how did you come to the decision at the end? Was it events that added up together? My end there's nothing major that he does to make the move. It's more down to my own realisation that this is not the life that I want. Of course I love him dearly and this will never change but I only have one life. I don't have anyone to talk to in RL so was wondering if talking to therapist could help to pull my thoughts together.

I just wanted to thank for all the other replies.

My job/career is in the UK so I need to stay here to be able to offer my child and myself better life. Plus my parents are elderly by now and not in the best health. They would help me, of course, but Living with them wouldn't come without sacrifices either.

I think overall I would be able to make the move. As people say just hire someone. Plus I grew up poor so know very well how to get by with very little and with time would be able to afford to buy more.

I think realistically my first step is to talk to some sort of lawyer/ solicitor. I invested a lot in the house, furniture etc so don't want just to leave things behind.

Best advice.

@CarrotCake69

Please contact your nearest chapter of Al-Anon. Go to a meeting. It's for family and friends of alcoholics. They're supportive and nonjudgmental. They won't tell you what to do, but they will encourage you in any decision you make. Al-Anon is about YOU and becoming the best you possible. Al-Anon is a safe space in which to grow stronger within yourself and take the actions you decide to take.

Al-Anon is not about 'your' alcoholic. He's responsible for himself. But you need to understand that the alcohol means more to him that you do. He's not going to stop drinking because you want him to. Or if he does, his sobriety won't last. Only he can stop drinking and he must do it for himself.

Remember, you didn't cause his drinking, you can't control his drinking, you can't cure his drinking.

@AcrossthePond55 - I was thinking about it. I think the general understanding is that the group is mainly for alcoholics themselves rather than family members.

My dad was alcoholic (that's why probably unconsciously I chose my husband). Earlier in the relationship I used to think that I can't leave my DH because in a strange way I need to look after him? I don't think Like that anymore /got more matured with time but as lots of posters said leaving relationship is very hard.

I know there's absolutely nothing I can do to make him change unless it comes from him. I am at the point where I see no point talking to him about it anymore either. What's the point, he's not a child, he was told this many times before.

@CarrotCake69 they're two separate groups - Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) for the individual and Al-anon for families. The latter is less well known

No, that's AA. Al-Anon is strictly for family and friends of alcoholics. Al-Anon uses the same principles as AA, but applies it to our own lives and the need to stop our own behaviours that enable them or hurt us.

The point where you say 'what's the use' can be a huge relief. I know it was with my brother. I actually felt a huge relief at feeling that I was no longer 'responsible' for him.

Leaving a marriage is hard. Much harder than my cutting contact with my brother. But you need to realize how strong you really are. Your determination to 'make' him stop drinking shows that. But now you are channeling that determination where it belongs: into your own life, and your DC's.