To think you ask both before messing about in someone's garden?

[MeddlingGMIL]

DH's grandmother has taken it upon herself today to come over and do some gardening in my garden. Would be fine but she only discusses it with DH... I live here too and she's terribly judgemental and makes rude comments about everyone's home so I'd rather know when she's going to be coming by. We have a group chat but whenever she's being sneaky or poking her nose in she only messages DH. She has done it before with our wedding and home move and it really bothers me, what do I do? DH is lovely and doesn't get it. Before I sound awful, she isn't elderly or naive, she's very active and aware and absolutely none of DH's family ever tell her to mind her own business. I don't know how to go about telling her to fuck off and leave my house alone?

I think if she’s ask dh then it’s ok. It’s really for him to tell you.

(Is the GMIL moan peak MN?)

YABU - it’s his house too. And perfectly reasonable for her to only check with him, because she probably assumes you talk to each other.

I do get that but we discuss everything on a daily basis in this chat, she is on her own so there's a lot of conversation daily in it however the rare times they speak just the two of them ( which I'm fine with! ) it's because she's planning to do something I'd already said no to. Sorry to drip feed but I'd already said no to her coming and doing our garden as new turf has just been laid and I wanted it to settle, I'm not precious about most things but it just feels really sneaky and odd.

DH is lovely and doesn't get it.

Is he thick as shit?

"Tell me when your mum is coming round, and especially if she wants to mess around in our garden".

Can't be that hard to grasp, can it?

Haha no, or maybe actually he is a bit thick, he just can't grasp that it's not on cos she's a blood relative I guess. I do get it to some degree cos my own mum is the same but I have a good relationship with her so I tell her when to rein it in, whereas nobody in DH's family does and she gets away with this sort of shit constantly.

No, your DH should be consulting you. It's not her job to make sure you're communicating properly with each other.

Except it also the OP's home too and they are married. As a married couple it should be agreed by BOTH and obviously the OP is not happy with this. The grandmother sounds like she is blunt and the family pander to her. I wouldn't want family coming to garden, unless agreed by me too, when it is my home and have every right to say no and do the garden as I would want. The OP clearly is being left out and the husband's gran is deliberately messaging him only about this. OP YANBU and I would say no to both of them. Why is she doing it anyway? Hasn't she got her own garden? Maybe the gran needs to join a gardening club or volunteer somewhere she can garden. Your husband has to realise he married you and it is both your home where you make joint decisions.

That doesn’t explain why he’s unable to tell you when she’s coming.

YABU. People don’t ask both people in a couple things, individually. It would be really odd. You ask one of them, they say ‘okay’ and you assume that basic communication happens in their relationship. If that’s not the case in your relationship, then that’s an issue with your DH.

Does she piss off your husband? If so, invite her round more and then pop out for a few hours and leave him to entertain her.

I would threaten death to anyone who thought that messing with my garden was acceptable and I would make sure DH knew to tell his mother this. Yanbu but you must make your feelings very clear or it's not their fault for thinking your husband can agree to this travesty

Yes she does, but she is incredibly rude to him at times, telling him he looked a mess recently as his haircut was overdue as soon as we went to see her and where she's family he just ignores it and doesn't really care. She makes me seethe to be honest, everything she says is judgey and nasty about others but she frames it as though she's sweet - for example the new mum living opposite her 'poor love has all that timber she's put on to shift and now the baby's here there's no excuse'. The 'poor love' bit is what makes the family think she's alright, but she isn't and overtime I've built up this reaction to her where I am really cynical. If I thought she was just in my garden today doing bits because she hasn't much else to do I wouldn't mind, but she acts like everyone is incapable of doing anything and will spend the next few years talking about how she was the one who did the bits for our garden she has done. She has her own life and a nice home, she's just very controlling.

Thank you, I get it doesn't seem major to a lot of people but I have no idea of how to speak to DH about it without going full character assassination on her to explain the context of my feelings? I don't want to upset DH, he's a big teddy bear but she needs telling to piss off. I would love anyone else from DH'S family to help us out, as it'd be a nide day but I feel very uncomfortable about her in my home when I'm not here as I know she will just be judging and inwardly tutting.

I have a real life friend with similar complaints about her own parents. Unhelpful, but all I can ever think is a little internal wail of "why does nobody ever offer to do MY garden?!?!"

Get your DH under control. Neither of us would dream of having people in without warning the other. I've called on the way back from school to warn him if someone wants to pop in. It's just something he has to learn, and quickly. As to then getting your DH to learn how to say no to gran... well that's more challenging. Focus on the first informational bit, that's a simple skill.

Your DH is at fault here for not communicating with you about his grandmother coming over.
It's your fault for not communicating with DH not to let anyone come over while the turf is settling (or to check with you first).

You two need marriage guidance for communicating problems.

I don't want to upset DH, he's a big teddy bear but she needs telling to piss off.
No she doesn't but your DH does need telling.

Your husband is the sneaky one, he's the one going behind your back to agree to something you've already said no to.

Stop blaming grandma when it's the "lovely" invertebrate you're married to who is at fault.

@MeddlingGMIL how does she get into your garden? can you lock the gate? can you lock the garden shed so she cant get the implements out?? I would tell her if he doesnt tell her! or tell your mil instead!

I’d be furious if someone started to mess around in my garden, even if they had discussed it with my other half. It’s not his garden it is yours jointly. Can you not firmly tell her not to interfere? Sometimes you have to be blunt to get a message across.

That’s ridiculous. So for example if your sibling wanted to pop around you would expect them to ask you, and then get hold of your DH and ask him too? Of course not, they should safely be able to assume that the people who live together actually talk to each other.

If my mum wanted to come round I'd expect her to ask me. Not me and then my husband separately.

If he is inviting/allowing her round when you've already told him you don't want her doing the garden, then that's his fault.

If he's not getting the message through, tell her in a firm but polite manner you don't want or need her to do your garden thanks very much. Tell a white lie you've got a gardener if you have to?

And tell your husband that if she offers again the answer will always be no.

This is completely different. The gran is coming round to garden more than once and the OP said the family don't say no to her. Where do you fail to understand the OP is not happy about this and her husband can't even consult her on it or say no to the gran? A family member popping over is different to family going to garden and maybe chop something that you want to stay. Couples do say, oh so and so is coming over tonight as courtesy. The gran is only messaging her grandson and not in the family chat. She knows what she's doing by not asking where both can read it. The OP owns the home too and it is also her garden as much as the husband's, so she can say no and has every right to. I don't get why those saying she is being unreasonable when it is the gran coming over on a regular basis to garden in THEIR garden! I'd be mad too that the husband just says yes and doesn't discuss it. I mean, it is something being done to the garden not a sister popping over for coffee.

Well the mum isn’t coming round. It’s the grandmother

She hasn’t done anything wrong. It’s not her fault your DH doesn’t bother to discuss things with you.

Your problem is your husband not your GMIL

This is about your dh. ‘This is my home too and I am very uncomfortable with her being in it when I am not there and what she will move around etc, so every time you say it’s fine to come around or don’t say no don’t please, not a good time, you’re saying to me fuck you and this it’s your house too. So unless you are comfortable saying that to my face, say no and check with me. If you keep going along with this, that’s what I hear you saying.