To think you ask both before messing about in someone's garden?

[MeddlingGMIL]

DH's grandmother has taken it upon herself today to come over and do some gardening in my garden. Would be fine but she only discusses it with DH... I live here too and she's terribly judgemental and makes rude comments about everyone's home so I'd rather know when she's going to be coming by. We have a group chat but whenever she's being sneaky or poking her nose in she only messages DH. She has done it before with our wedding and home move and it really bothers me, what do I do? DH is lovely and doesn't get it. Before I sound awful, she isn't elderly or naive, she's very active and aware and absolutely none of DH's family ever tell her to mind her own business. I don't know how to go about telling her to fuck off and leave my house alone?

I still don't understand why anyone would do this.

Sorry for not coming back sooner, it's been a busy few days and at the time of posting I needed to vent. Thank you to the posters who helped me form a more balanced view, I think it's hard to really advise without knowing us all individually and the back story and how we communicate. I still stand by my husband being lovely and GMIL being a witch cos he is and she is, and she is very manipulative and needs to stay the fuck out of my garden but there's no telling her so I'll be adding a nice coded lock to the gate today thanks to Amazon and giving her a wide berth. It's a shame because I have amazing relationships with the rest of his family and she misses out by being so difficult.

Thanks for the update OP. Excellent idea - hope she doesn't talk your husband into giving her a key....

Let us know if your husband gives her the code.

This.
I voted YABU because you have a DH problem not a MIL problem

I have no idea of how to speak to DH about it

Yes you do, you have said it very clearly in your posts. You didn't want anyone trampling on your newly laid turf - that's very clear and perfectly reasonable.

Is the garden more your purview than your DH's? If so then you have every right to make an issue of it. Post on the group chat saying
"@MIL I am very upset that you have been working in my garden and damaging my newly laid turf. Please make sure in future to consult me before doing anything in my garden"
And be prepared to stick to this issue (the garden). You can't change everything, but you can make this one thing a boundary you expect everyone to respect.

Not mil! Gmil! MIL is lovely and never oversteps. Gmil is a spiteful cow who would probably call you names if you met her but I appreciate that doesn't relay on mumsnet lol

She could be Cerberus, the actual dog from Hell, and the specific situation you describe still wouldn’t be her fault. The issue is your DH.

It isn't at all, he shouldn't have to tell her because she knows. And if he did tell her she would get all dreadfully upset hence me saying she's manipulative. Also, a few days have passed now and it's come to light DH did tell her no and she turned up anyway, so yeah unsurprising from her tbh but short of telling her to get out what can he do with someone like that?

I mean I’d tell her get out. Stop pandering to her.

he shouldn't have to tell her because she knows

Based on the OP, she asked and he said okay. It’s very straightforward. So, yes, he’s the issue.

Also, a few days have passed now and it's come to light DH did tell her no and she turned up anyway

It’s ‘come to light’? How, exactly? If this is the case, why didn’t he just tell you that in the first place?

Because I've spoken to my dh since posting on this thread lol? I don't get why people on here are determined to tell me he's the issue, he isn't, she a knob and I was asking how to tell her to fuck off specifically.

You posted an MN thread about it before you even spoke to your husband?

We think it’s a DH issue because you said she generally asks him, he agrees (despite knowing you don’t want it to happen) and he then doesn’t communicate any of that to you. You expectation that someone ask both members of a couple about something is unreasonable. One person saying ‘okay’ is sufficient. If that person says ‘okay’ to something they know their partner doesn’t want and/or doesn’t communicate it to
them, then they’re at fault.

It’s interesting that you’re unable to see this.

It's almost like I have the context of my actual life to go by... Why are you so hell bent on your point? Surely if I say you're wrong, you are. Afterall the whole thread is about my perspective?

There is absolutely no context in which your DH isn’t the issue in the situation described. You know this, or you would give said context (you’ve certainly given lots of other context).

Surely if I say you're wrong, you are. Afterall the whole thread is about my perspective?

No, that’s not how this works. It’s called ‘Am I Being Unreasonable?’ You present your perspective and ask if you are being unreasonable and people answer. I think you and your husband are being unreasonable.

I’m not ‘hellbent’. I’m responding to your comments on a post you’ve made, specifically to ask people’s opinion. If you were so certain you were correct, why did you post in AIBU?

why can she not speak to her grandson without having to go through you? Why can she not have a conversation with her grandson without it having to be in the group WhatsApp? Sounds like she’s only trying to to help.

She knows he will say yes so she goes to him. You can tell her to fuck off all you like but she will go to him and get a yes.
Your teddy bear has to tell her no or this will continue.
Tell him to tell her no.
End of story.

EggnogNoggin

Does she piss off your husband? If so, invite her round more and then pop out for a few hours and leave him to entertain her.

You should read Anything you can do - it’s a rom com where the dh starts wfh while the wife goes out to work and he realises his wife hasn’t had it as easy as he though- mil over every day giving out (I love my own mil by the way but I did chuckle, she’s a great character!)

Completely missing the point of the thread but how did so many posters misread your opening post where you specifically say in the first two words “DH’s grandmother ..” and your username is MeddlingGMIL and they dissed your poor mother in law 😀

This puzzled me too!

It isn’t OK for her to go behind your back to get an agreement with your DH when you’ve already said no. He should have shared the ‘offer’ with you before agreeing to it.

I’d love someone to come and do some work in the garden, BUT I’d want to be present and ensure they 1) knew the difference between a weed and a plant
2) was in line with what WE wanted for our garden and not her idea of this.

I might let her loose if, in time, if she met these criteria and was clear that it was OUR garden at not hers or indeed simply his!

Where did you fail to understand the GMIL specifically went to her grandson to ask about doing some gardening in THEIR garden? It turns out he'd said no and the gran/gmil still came round and sounds very blunt and does what she wants. Nobody said the gran can't talk to her gradson, but when it comes to this, when the garden belongs to BOTH the op and grandson then the gran should message in the Whatsapp for both to see. It is called manners and acknowledging the OP as also the co-owner of the house. The gran sounds a nightmare who thinks she can do as she wants and the family need to stop oandering to her.