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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you ask both before messing about in someone's garden?

72 replies

MeddlingGMIL · 29/05/2025 22:01

DH's grandmother has taken it upon herself today to come over and do some gardening in my garden. Would be fine but she only discusses it with DH... I live here too and she's terribly judgemental and makes rude comments about everyone's home so I'd rather know when she's going to be coming by. We have a group chat but whenever she's being sneaky or poking her nose in she only messages DH. She has done it before with our wedding and home move and it really bothers me, what do I do? DH is lovely and doesn't get it. Before I sound awful, she isn't elderly or naive, she's very active and aware and absolutely none of DH's family ever tell her to mind her own business. I don't know how to go about telling her to fuck off and leave my house alone?

OP posts:
Renabrook · 30/05/2025 01:53

Well we are both grown ups and can decide things for ourselves but the line on MN is man's friends/relatives do something ''it is your house too things need to be decided jointly you are in a relationship/married'' women's friends/relatives do something ''dont let him tell you what to do you are a grown woman and he is controlling you, you have to grey rock him and see the red flags get out now he is spying on you and checking your phone and he is cheating"

CouldHaveToldYouSo · 30/05/2025 02:00

How is she getting into your house when you aren’t there? Is DH there? Or does she have a key??
Ditto the garden?

Sorry, but I think this is over-stepping by a mile, and bloody rude!

You could always “do” her garden for her…see how she likes it?😉

lostinthesunshine · 30/05/2025 07:25

OneBlossomBee · 30/05/2025 01:20

This is completely different. The gran is coming round to garden more than once and the OP said the family don't say no to her. Where do you fail to understand the OP is not happy about this and her husband can't even consult her on it or say no to the gran? A family member popping over is different to family going to garden and maybe chop something that you want to stay. Couples do say, oh so and so is coming over tonight as courtesy. The gran is only messaging her grandson and not in the family chat. She knows what she's doing by not asking where both can read it. The OP owns the home too and it is also her garden as much as the husband's, so she can say no and has every right to. I don't get why those saying she is being unreasonable when it is the gran coming over on a regular basis to garden in THEIR garden! I'd be mad too that the husband just says yes and doesn't discuss it. I mean, it is something being done to the garden not a sister popping over for coffee.

Show quote history

I think you’re missing a nuance here.

The poster I replied to was saying that anyone coming around to visit needed to be agreed separately with both people.

AdoraBell · 30/05/2025 07:33

What is it that your DH doesn’t get about communicating?

Koalafan · 30/05/2025 07:35

I don't get these responses at all.
Why does she think she has any right to come and do your garden at all?

Easipeelerie · 30/05/2025 07:38

My MIL used to do undo,I cited gardening with a nice dose of criticism of my garden/house keeping their in. I’m no contact now meaning she’s never in my garden, never here and it’s great.

Eddielizzard · 30/05/2025 07:43

We came back from holiday once to find my MIL had decided to 'dead head' my roses, except she'd done a huge prune back. Half the roses were gone. I was so upset.

It is hugely disrespectful, esp since you'd said no already. She's highly manipulative going to your DH because she's gotten him to go against your wishes and violate your boundaries. He absolutely can't let this go on. Next time if he's not sure he should tell her he'll check with you first.

Keep your eyes on this one.

tigerlily9 · 30/05/2025 07:47

Go round her house and do her garden, to return the favour. She’ll get the message

Gundogday · 30/05/2025 08:01

So she comes uninvited and takes it upon herself to do some gardening in your house? That’s hugely overstepping boundaries. Does she decide what needs doing , or have you agreed what gardening she can do?

That's a bit like someone coming into your house, deciding they don’t like your wall colours, and deciding to paint them duck egg blue.

GRex · 30/05/2025 08:02

tigerlily9 · 30/05/2025 07:47

Go round her house and do her garden, to return the favour. She’ll get the message

No, come to MY house and do the gardening, I learn faster.

LoveItaly · 30/05/2025 08:11

Koalafan · 30/05/2025 07:35

I don't get these responses at all.
Why does she think she has any right to come and do your garden at all?

I agree, I’d be furious if this happened to me. If my husband kept allowing it I would take it upon myself to find a way of preventing access, padlock the back gate or install a gate etc. Not so easy with front gardens, though.

Nominative · 30/05/2025 08:35

MeddlingGMIL · 29/05/2025 22:35

Thank you, I get it doesn't seem major to a lot of people but I have no idea of how to speak to DH about it without going full character assassination on her to explain the context of my feelings? I don't want to upset DH, he's a big teddy bear but she needs telling to piss off. I would love anyone else from DH'S family to help us out, as it'd be a nide day but I feel very uncomfortable about her in my home when I'm not here as I know she will just be judging and inwardly tutting.

Show quote history

Surely you don't need the full character assassination to make it clear to your DH that it's your house too, he needs to check with you before he says Yes to anyone coming round? The example with the new turf is good reason enough.

LittleGreenDragons · 30/05/2025 12:31

Koalafan · 30/05/2025 07:35

I don't get these responses at all.
Why does she think she has any right to come and do your garden at all?

she only discusses it with DH

Because the lovely Teddy-bear of a man who (part) owns the garden has said yes okay. Which means OP has a DH problem and not a GMIL problem.

JDM625 · 30/05/2025 12:45

I agree that its your DH that is sneaky by not telling you what HE has agreed!

How is she getting into your garden? If via a side gate- then get a lock!
Is she coming though the house with secateurs, gloves, spade etc??? Surely when she arrives you just say that its fine thanks, we can manage our own garden?

Koalafan · 30/05/2025 12:52

LittleGreenDragons · 30/05/2025 12:31

she only discusses it with DH

Because the lovely Teddy-bear of a man who (part) owns the garden has said yes okay. Which means OP has a DH problem and not a GMIL problem.

Show quote history

By why does it even need to be discussed? It's not her garden.

Jumpers4goalposts · 30/05/2025 19:20

Surely this is a DH issue not a GM issue. She’s not doing anything wrong as he’s given her permission. You need to tell him you don’t like it so he doesn’t give her permission.

GiveDogBone · 30/05/2025 19:25

You’re complaining about her coming round to do your gardening for free? If you don’t want her you can send her to mine!

Buffs · 30/05/2025 19:35

LittleGreenDragons · 29/05/2025 22:47

Your DH is at fault here for not communicating with you about his grandmother coming over.
It's your fault for not communicating with DH not to let anyone come over while the turf is settling (or to check with you first).

You two need marriage guidance for communicating problems.

I don't want to upset DH, he's a big teddy bear but she needs telling to piss off.
No she doesn't but your DH does need telling.

Edited

This.

BillStickersWillBeProsocuted · 30/05/2025 20:13

Flip it around. If someone said to you they were going to do some work in your garden and made sure you were OK with it, would you really expect them to go and separately check with your husband?

MyHouseInThePrairie · 30/05/2025 20:22

I think aski g just one of the partners in a couple is ok. I’d expect the two of you to communicate, fur your dh to ask you if you’re happy with it befute answering and fir him to say NO to her if you dint want her there.

The problem you’re having there is that she has everyone under her thumb. No one dares saying to her because they all know they’d get a mouthful if they did. So being passive and turning a blind eye has be o e the default.
And you dint. You see her, her ways, how she is controlling and judgemental and you’re not following the script.

You have a DH issue here though rather than a gran issue. HE should be involving you when she is going down the route of contacting him only. And I suspect he doesn’t because he knows you’re going to say NO and he doesn’t want the fall out with his gran. He might need to grow up though….

JayJayj · 30/05/2025 21:09

This is on your husband. I’m guessing he knows your views around her. He should have been the one to say “I’m not sure I’ll let you know” then discuss it with you.

As it stands she asked her grandson and he said yes.

I completely understand why you don’t want her there. I’d feel exactly the same. However you are angry at the wrong person here.

LittleGreenDragons · 30/05/2025 22:11

Koalafan · 30/05/2025 12:52

By why does it even need to be discussed? It's not her garden.

Show quote history

Probably lovely teddybear chats to his grandmother over porridge about the garden and lovely teddybear thinks grandmothers suggestions for it are more to his liking than his grizzlybear of a wife's plans but daren't tell grizzlybear her garden plans aren't what he wants. Grandmother offers, Teddbybear accepts happily. Lovely teddybear "forgets" to talk to his grizzlybear of a wife who gets angry at grandmother instead of lovely teddybear.

Lovely teddybear and grumpy grizzlybear need to have an open and honest chat. This is not a GMIL problem and never has been.

ButteredRadish · 30/05/2025 22:20

I’d f’ing scream at the witch if she dared to lay a finger on my garden! She’d be banned from the house and if she returned without my express permission, she’d be facing police action for criminal damage! The bloody cheek

LittleGreenDragons · 31/05/2025 00:08

ButteredRadish · 30/05/2025 22:20

I’d f’ing scream at the witch if she dared to lay a finger on my garden! She’d be banned from the house and if she returned without my express permission, she’d be facing police action for criminal damage! The bloody cheek

But it's his house and garden too, and he agreed to her doing the work.

Ilovechocolatelimesandsherbertlemons · 31/05/2025 00:23

I wish she'd come and do mine, I'd love it. I'd do her lunch too.
Seriously, she shouldn't need to ask you both separately. I contact either my son or my DIL, not both. I expect them to speak to each other (they usually don't).