To quit holidays with a socially anxious child

[Peachsunrise]

My dd (11) has extreme social anxiety (diagnosed autism). She has always struggled with busy or loud places and people she doesn't know. But this last year it has got so extreme that she constantly thinks people are staring at her, giving her dirty looks or whispering about her.
We are on the last day of a 2 week holiday and it has been mostly depressing because she rarely wants to leave our room and on the few occasions we convinced her to she made the outing so miserable by moaning the whole time.
We are thinking now that there was no point going on holiday as she can play roblox all day in her room at home and we aren't forced to sit in a hotel room/ cabin only getting to go out seperately while the other stays with her.
We are doing all we can think of to help her with her social anxiety Inc counselling but aibu to accept holidays abroad are a waste of money for the foreseeable future?
Anyone had a similar issue and found something that works?

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BTW it's not out of season, it's the school holidays.

Try long weekends in this country first in a lodge/caravan in a remote area. Gradually build her confidence being away from home and somewhere else.

Then I'd try a villa with a pool and hire a car. You can drive out to empty beaches early/late. Maybe go for walks.
Self catering so you dont have to eat out much.

I wouldn't arrange another holiday, OP, not while she's like this. I'd be really resentful at having to stay in the whole time.

Do you have a family member who'd come to your house to care for her while you and your husband have a short holiday?

Tell me you have no idea about autism and pda without telling me you have no idea about autism and pda...

I'm an autistic/anxious adult. I'm married and we have no kids.

My main holiday is a week in the same Welsh village, in the same holiday apartment, on the same week every year. There's a beach, chippy, icecream shop, a couple of little shops. We visit the same 3 towns on the train during the week. We've been doing it for 9 years, but it's also a place I went to regularly as a child. I can properly relax for the week because I know what it's going to be like and exactly what to expect. My husband loves this week too, because he can go for long solo walks while I stay home to nap and chill.

I can also manage a weekend in London, I can do one activity a day and eat a hotel picnic from M&S, or get a Macdonalds. We stay in the Paddington area because it's familiar now, so lessens to anxiety.

I last went abroad 12 years ago. Long haul flight on my own. I stayed with my friend and when she was out at work I literally stayed in her flat alone and read and wrote and watched TV. It was lovely 😁 I did my normal things but with an excellent view. I did outings with her, but was very overwhelmed with crowds and being too hot. I haven't messaged to go abroad again, even just booking it seems too complicated, and my husband feels the same.

Maybe try holidays with her, where everythings the same every year?

Hi OP,

I'm ASD and I always found holidays difficult. My DM loved travelling and it was very hard as I got taken along on endless holidays.

I think it would really be a good idea if you could find a way to leave her at home and go without her if you really need to go on holidays yourself.

My DM in later life got dementia and started to go on really wild adventure holidays in her dementia hallucinations and it was very nice because she would go on all these adventures (leaving me at home) and then would come back and tell me all about them. It really was much better that way.

My ASD son now really prefers not to even go on day trips. Sometimes I think I would slightly like to go on one, but not that much tbh. We just hang out at home and go on walks, that is okay.

I think you probably need to either stay home or find a way to let her stay home. Good luck with it.

Yes school has been a nightmare this year which has been gutting as it had previously been one of her safe places. Lots of refusal and belief that no one likes her
Praying the change in schools in September will be a positive move.

Please take the advice of people on here without experience in autism with a grain of salt.

personally I wouldn’t want to leave my daughter at home - and don’t have the option anyway - so we just find a way to compromise. Turns out I prefer self catering anyway so that’s no hardship. Could probably do without going on the same exact weekend away to the same exact house every year but it’s lovely and she’s relaxed and happy so we focus on spending lots of time together - board games and such. We rent a car if we are abroad so we can be on our own schedule. Bring some familiar snacks and try new things in between. Split up and have some time to ourselves as there are two parents. Lots of ways to make it work as a family without

of course if you have trusted childcare then you could do a city break without her so your husband can have a more active holiday too.

have you tried an outside themed holiday? My daughter will happily go hiking and on walks and such for days and days at a time.

Building a holiday around all her favorite things sounds great. Except if PDA, then it might feel like huge pressure to do things, join in or enjoy it. Which becomes a huge source of anxiety.

We holiday with no expectations of our PDAer at all. If they want to do things, great. If not we relay going out separately and accept that for them, screen time inside for as many days as needed is fine.

I think @ThatWasLoud 's take is interesting and I know other adults who like to holiday like that.

For an autistic tween/teen though - of course their needs should be taken into account but there are other family members to think about too. When they grow up, if they want to spend their money on a week in Cromer (random example) doing the same things every year, who's going to stop them?

Then I'd try a villa with a pool and hire a car. You can drive out to empty beaches early/late. Maybe go for walks.
Self catering so you dont have to eat out much.

Maybe see how she settles next year at school before booking anything.

We've always done UK self catering hoildays usually 7 days - but as above go out early when it quiet as it gets busy late morning come back eat have few hours downtime either watching TV together or in seperate rooms then back out just before tea and then downtime as needed - with one day usually being whole day out.

Dsis does similar though she'll come back if they're having a bad time of it.

Hi OP, does DD have an EHCP? If you need tips and ideas for the transition into year 7, you might find the support thread useful. I'll post a link in a minute. A lot of us have been through this.

We booked a trip for the two week October half term (a lot of secondaries have those these days) as a kind of "celebrate surviving the first 7 weeks" thing. I won't describe it as our DDs sound rather different, but it might be nice to have something look forward to, especially if you can think of a familiar location/things to do.

In the past, we've got on well with canal boating - the world goes by and plenty happens, but at a very slow pace, and any social interaction is very formulaic and could be avoided completely.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_educational_needs/5309128-ehcp-support-thread-no-5?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

A hoseasons place fairly local to us worked well as DS knew he could come home if he needed to plus we could do days out eg cinema, trampoline park in our own town.
We went to the same place each year & he did enjoy it. There was swimming & activities eg archery he looked forward to.

It's probably not what DH wants but would he genuinely enjoy a holiday where your DD was utterly stressed & miserable.

Do you have someone who she's comfortable with overnight so that you & DH could go away for a short break somewhere to relax & explore.

I think you said she's an only child? As a parent of a PDA girl but also her sister, we couldn't let our PDA daughter run the family. We were as considerate of her PDA as possible (no chores, no homework) but she had to cooperate with us on things like holidays. We were already basing our holidays on what she liked. She would choose the room she wanted etc. So it felt reasonable to me that she would have to find the inner resources to sometimes do what we wanted. And guess what - she did ( to sn extent,).

I just wonder if you simply accept your daughter's ultimatums and go along with what she says. And I do wonder if she could cope with a bit of discomfort, supported by things like ear phones, her tablet, cuddly toys, whatever.

My daughter pushed a pram with a life-size doll in it for a while. She was 12. It got her out!

I'm just suggesting not letting your life get smaller and smaller while she gets everything she wants. Autism is rarely so debilitating that you can't do anything.

Get your own villa with a pool and hire a car which means you can plan and all get out and about without much or any need for social interaction. We've done it for years.

@Arran2024 that's our approach too. And despite some frankly awful behaviour at the beginning of holidays as she adjusts, I hear her telling friends about where she's been and what she's done, so I am sure she enjoys some aspects of our trips. With our child, it really is just about getting her to some kind of body of water asap.

Actually she must have enjoyed our latest trip to some extent as she took two baths with only very minor grumbling!

Thinking this over, it's probably got a lot more to do with school than with the holiday per se. When DD's "bucket" is full with e.g. friend issues, not feeling well, worried about stuff etc then it reduces her capacity for anything novel (despite being quite keen on novelty in some ways).

Holidays with my ASC child have always been tricky. Took us ages to realise he needs a quiet day after every 'big' day. Parts of the holiday that we don't think about: travelling from place to place, queuing, suddenly being crowded and dogs barking, can be huge game changers for him.
We travelled all.over the world before but now we're happy to go back to the same northern seaside town as long as it's quiet and calm (and predictable) and we can have a nice time. It's not forever.
What I'm trying to say is, I get that you still want a lovely holiday that you've worked hard for but dont underestimate the stress that somewhere different , with little routine, different expectations and sensory overload may have on your daughter.

@Peachsunrise my 9 year old is quite similar, struggles with school, hates anything new and wants everything mapped out otherwise he refuses.

But... I'm quite the pushy parent, because although he digs his heels in and refuses to do things (and would spend all day playing Minecraft if permitted), I know he will actually enjoy things if I can actually get him to try.

If he is being super awkward and won't try things, then his alternative is a book. Definitely not a screen/tablet.

This week I actually managed to get him to go bowling! I showed him videos before hand, he had his ear loop things to take the noise down. It took a LOT of persuading, but eventually I got him to look at the bowling balls, where the fingers go. He didn't want to use the ramp as that would make him look like a toddler.

For holidays it usually involves lots of walking or quiet beaches. I show him pictures/videos in advance and tell him what we are doing. He doesn't get the option to stay behind. We then use lots of distractions if he gets wobbly.

One thing he does love is piano lessons. We found an amazingly patient teacher and he loves his piano lesson.

2 weeks is way too long. Try short breaks out of season. Could you and DH holiday separately? My DS and DH holiday together in Switzerland every year. Great bonding for them and I enjoy chilling out at home. Its not forever and holidays are meant to be enjoyable and relaxing and it seems yours was neither.

We find if we go with extended family, even if one person needs to stay home with DC, the others can go out together.

We have done the extended family thing a few times with mixed success. Maybe if GPs get ASC and are easy going, with similar holiday tastes and budget. It can simply introduce even more issues...

I think 2 weeks is too long for any family, especially one with an only child. We did max 10 days when I was growing up and settled on 1 week short haul as being ideal. I would go nearer and shorter. We've just done a 3 day break with DS and have another planned in June.

I wonder if going somewhere in the UK might be the answer. Having the option to go home easily enough if it gets difficult.

We are away with our autistic DS (11) at the moment in France. We hear you and send our love! Self catering all the way, any hotel set up is hell!

We are on a French campsite with a car, we appreciate going to the local supermarket any time to buy safe foods/brands. Though even McDonalds fries aren’t the same as home 😔

Familiarity is a big bonus and we are lucky we’ve visited here regularly since he was very little. He’s been biking around the campsite this year, which is amazing! Though along with trips to the pool/beach, a ton of Roblox time too.

ND holidays aren’t easy, but remove as many barriers as you can, cooking on a campsite and relaxing in the lodge is all good.