To quit holidays with a socially anxious child

[Peachsunrise]

My dd (11) has extreme social anxiety (diagnosed autism). She has always struggled with busy or loud places and people she doesn't know. But this last year it has got so extreme that she constantly thinks people are staring at her, giving her dirty looks or whispering about her.
We are on the last day of a 2 week holiday and it has been mostly depressing because she rarely wants to leave our room and on the few occasions we convinced her to she made the outing so miserable by moaning the whole time.
We are thinking now that there was no point going on holiday as she can play roblox all day in her room at home and we aren't forced to sit in a hotel room/ cabin only getting to go out seperately while the other stays with her.
We are doing all we can think of to help her with her social anxiety Inc counselling but aibu to accept holidays abroad are a waste of money for the foreseeable future?
Anyone had a similar issue and found something that works?

We had the same but it honestly has improved with time and by employing lots of PDA approaches in day to day life to lessen anxiety and learn how to live in a way that works for us all. Just came back from a very successful trip that I couldn’t have imagined 3 years ago!

Perhaps the thing to focus on is that for now holidays might not work as you wanted but it won’t be that way forever as each year they will grow that bit more and their needs/wants change. And as they get older you will feel more comfortable leaving them so if you did go away you will be able to pop out.

Think that age is really challenging in particular - so much transition anxiety going on with secondary schools and puberty on the horizon!

ND family here too and I just took holidays off the table for a few years and then only did short camping trips.

Holidays are supposed to be relaxing and enjoyable and, if they're not, what's the point?

None of us are that bothered by holidays and, tbh, I'd rather spend my holiday time quietly in the house on my own.

Finding a way of living that works for your family is far more important than worrying about not being able to do what you think you should be doing.

Oh and other people may help on the one hand to share the load but if your child is masking a lot there’s a risk that it will make them more stressed/exhausted by the trip.

Before you go down that route worth asking yourself honestly how you’ll feel/what you’d do if your child needs a day back in the room and you have to factor in the needs of another family/child. Took me a while to register that my default was to put pressure on my child to join in which added to their guilt/anxiety and things always snowballed from there.

Did you tell her what they were? Why else would she refuse to take something that would help? Just dissolve them in a drink and she’ll be none the wiser.

They are a chewing sweet and she said she didn't like the taste of them.

That's really helpful advice thank you.

https://unplugged.rest/

I think it's a good idea to find a place they can tolerate and go back to it repeatedly.

We holidayed in a family run caravan park in North Norfolk many, many times.

I think a holiday cottage is a good idea (maybe with a hot tub?). Hotel rooms are hard as you're all in each other' faces and can't avoid other people if you want to eat, use the pool etc.

Holidays are definitely hard for ND people. I holiday with two of them (DH and DD, 12). It can be such a challenge!

I try to keep at least one thing the same.

E.g. same location
Same method of transport
Same type of holiday
Same restaurants (we are probably the most loyal Wagamama customers ever!)

Also I'd never go for 2 weeks. Max of a week and quite often those Fri to Mon or Mon to Fri deals - nearly all the UK holiday parks amd cottages do them.

Coolstays is another good site to find interesting places to stay.

Why though take it in turns.
DH always went for an early morning run from the villa to explore the area and I also went out. We also had DD whose needs we needed to meet

we also hired a car (second time) so he could go for drives and see the area from driving

this year we are trying a villa resort that has things on site

he has also gotten better - the first year we tried the villa he didn’t leave it. Last year he went for two evening meals, two lunches and one trip to the lake

this year he has come on a lot and hoping for more

@Peachsunrise how is school all of this came with a whole lot of school refusal in years 5 and 6. We have been v lucky so far he has settled and prefers high school but that wasn’t easy

This sounds so much like my daughter-the part about negotiations and bribing her to do other children would enjoy really resonated.
We’ve given up.
Her idea of a ‘holiday’ is staying at home with no pressure to do anything.
DH and I take it in turns to go on short breaks with our other child or friends and we have accepted that our family is different from other families (this took a long time).

We find the first day or two of the holiday is generally a bit crap, then we get her in or around some kind of water and things improve (sea, pool, lake, loch, lido, river, canal - anything will do!) I suppose it's a sensory thing.

If we get one fab day in a 5 day break I reckon it's good enough. You have to keep your expectations low and slope off and do your own thing, when you can, as you have been.

@Cerealmilks that part is hard, isn't it? My neighbour is always kind of rude about our holidays, but we do what works for us.

Two weeks in a resort would probably finish us off!

We also did the ‘go with another family because she seems much better’ thing for too long. I didn’t realise how hard it was for her and was actually the opposite of a relaxing holiday for her.

This is us. ND family. Holidays abroad breed anxiety and just aren't worth the cost. Hopefully in the future, but for the foreseeable we holiday in the UK. There are some beautiful spots and you're lucky to get good weather sometimes too ☀️

I don’t have a child with autism but just a couple of suggestions.

2 weeks is a long time, maybe just a week?

Self catering in a nice place with a good garden.

For years we went to the same cottage the UK countryside, very very quiet, nice garden, about 15 mins from the beach that might get a bit busy but never crazy rammed. We all loved it because it became so familiar and comforting, and so very relaxing.

Also, she’s 10 - puberty is in the horizon which might be something else in the mix.

i do feel you - holidays with a miserable child that you’ve planned so carefully with them in mind are so dispiriting.

This sounds like anything but a holiday for anyone and I certainly wouldn't be spending hard earned money and annual leave to be sat in a hotel room or not leaving the resort. Your lives are probably hard enough managing her at home - you must feel like weeping that your long awaited holiday has been ruined.

OP are there family members who she is comfortable with and who would be happy to have her in future so she can stay home and at least the rest of the family get a break.

I was lucky that my Mother would have my DD from the age of 13. My DD admitted to me that I was making her miserable trying to get her to join clubs, come away on holiday. She was very isolated, until at 15 she suddenly decided she'd like friends. She worked really hard on herself, pushing out of her comfort zones and at 22, when on a college catering placement, she started to go on staff nights out. I'd plan for the here and now, it won't necessarily be forever. If not having holidays works, then stop them as a family, for now. We go on holiday to have fun and relax.

ND family here too, sending every sympathy. I actually didn’t realise how bad my child’s anxiety was until we did a solo holiday recently. Somewhere they have always wanted to go, outings related to special interests… the whole thing was really hard work, from airport and travel to just walking around, they needed a lot more support than I had anticipated and I found it really draining. They spent a lot of time back at hotel resting or with headphones on listening to their favourite podcast. Factor in unexpected terrible weather and a something I’d been really looking forward to being cancelled last minute and I was really disappointed. I must have hidden it well because they talk about it being a great break (which suggests they got what they needed out of it). But I am definitely not in a rush to take them abroad again.

in the UK we have found somewhere with a mix of private spaces and a social space (lovely family friendly bar) so we can have some social time even if they want to stay in their room, but can make our own meals so no need to worry about food or being around people unless choose to. We have been lots of times now, lovely area too. Children know what to expect so don’t need to prepare them for it. I get asked why we don’t go somewhere else/abroad but honestly this is one of the few times a year we can actually relax!

i can’t cope with group holidays as it’s too intense sharing space.

I know it costs £, but is a countryside villa with pool in a warmish place eg Bordeaux an option. Swim, go for country walks in basically empty places, major trip would be a short drive to local boulangerie for croissants. Buy easy luxurious food from supermarket and eat relaxed picnic style lunches outdoors. If going well by day four or five you could consider a stroll around a local town.

Maybe I am just describing the holiday I quite fancy……. Good luck and as others have said, things will look different in a few years.

At least you would be able to use the pool & as your daughter gets older you will be able to leave her at the villa for short amounts of time while you and your husband go out for lunch sometimes. You may be able to encourage her to come with you if you find somewhere nice & quiet.

I would probably just book a week at this stage or 10 days. A fortnight seems quite long until/unless she gets more out of holidays in future.

I just find it so incredibly difficult to plan holidays that suit two entirely different autistic people (and tbh neither the adult nor the tween have much/any ability to take my preferences into account...)

Rather than planning holidays that suit myself, I feel I tend to plan ones that (at times) suit none of us, but I can always look back afterwards at one or two days or experiences that we all got something out of, so I persevere.

I saw a wise remark about writing once: "I don't enjoy writing: I enjoy having written." Sums up our family holidays quite well.

Courage, OP!

@Lindtnotlint I would totally go on that!!