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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To quit holidays with a socially anxious child

78 replies

Peachsunrise · 29/05/2025 21:43

My dd (11) has extreme social anxiety (diagnosed autism). She has always struggled with busy or loud places and people she doesn't know. But this last year it has got so extreme that she constantly thinks people are staring at her, giving her dirty looks or whispering about her.
We are on the last day of a 2 week holiday and it has been mostly depressing because she rarely wants to leave our room and on the few occasions we convinced her to she made the outing so miserable by moaning the whole time.
We are thinking now that there was no point going on holiday as she can play roblox all day in her room at home and we aren't forced to sit in a hotel room/ cabin only getting to go out seperately while the other stays with her.
We are doing all we can think of to help her with her social anxiety Inc counselling but aibu to accept holidays abroad are a waste of money for the foreseeable future?
Anyone had a similar issue and found something that works?

OP posts:
Olderbeforemytime · 29/05/2025 21:53

What about a private villia?

Sassysoonwins · 29/05/2025 21:57

Private villa all the way. My autistic son did not cope well with the expectations of a hotel with the loud busy mealtime and pool full of kids and occasional music. I don't like all the cooking and cleaning but it is a lot less stressful. If he wants to hide in his room with a tablet that's fine, the rest of us can play in the pool etc.

Original poster
Peachsunrise · 29/05/2025 21:58

Olderbeforemytime · 29/05/2025 21:53

What about a private villia?

We thought of that but my husband feels he'd still feel trapped not ever being able to leave and see the area we are staying in.

OP posts:
Oxide61 · 29/05/2025 21:59

A motorhome? You can drive to where you want to be. She can stay tucked inside while you explore?

Original poster
Peachsunrise · 29/05/2025 22:01

Oxide61 · 29/05/2025 21:59

A motorhome? You can drive to where you want to be. She can stay tucked inside while you explore?

But again only 1 of us can go explore as she can't be left alone either.

OP posts:
JustMarriedBecca · 29/05/2025 22:02

ND family here.

We find self catering in places like Scotland or France better. Long walks or hanging out by the pool where our DC can wax lyrical on their topics of interest.

I think you need to stop taking holidays that suit you and think about holidays that suit your family.

I hate other people and all-inclusives are my ideal of hell.

Rumplestiltz · 29/05/2025 22:03

Yes when you have a kid with additional needs you holiday in a different way. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go on holiday but set your standards and expectations accordingly.

Moonlaserbearwolf · 29/05/2025 22:07

Can you think of her ideal holiday? Or do you think she’d prefer to stay at home?
This may not be an option for you, but we often go self catering to a chalet, with grandparents. This means we share cooking and childcare. When we’ve tried the same holiday without grandparents, it’s much less relaxing. Do you have family members (or friends) you could go on holiday with?

Original poster
Peachsunrise · 29/05/2025 22:10

JustMarriedBecca · 29/05/2025 22:02

ND family here.

We find self catering in places like Scotland or France better. Long walks or hanging out by the pool where our DC can wax lyrical on their topics of interest.

I think you need to stop taking holidays that suit you and think about holidays that suit your family.

I hate other people and all-inclusives are my ideal of hell.

Yeah thing is, we planned this holiday totally for her. All the places she wanted to go to, out of season so it would be less busy, lots of chill days between excursions.

Nothing worked, and everything she had been excited about pretty much boomed.
I don't think she even expected to find it so hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
Peachsunrise · 29/05/2025 22:13

Moonlaserbearwolf · 29/05/2025 22:07

Can you think of her ideal holiday? Or do you think she’d prefer to stay at home?
This may not be an option for you, but we often go self catering to a chalet, with grandparents. This means we share cooking and childcare. When we’ve tried the same holiday without grandparents, it’s much less relaxing. Do you have family members (or friends) you could go on holiday with?

I think going with others would definitely help as she does seem to find society easier with a peer. But haven't been able to find a family we'd feel comfortable suggesting it to yet.

OP posts:
Arran2024 · 29/05/2025 22:17

Does she have PDA type autism, where she reacts badly to demands, so even if she wants to do something, when it comes to it she just can't?

If so have you tried offering her 2 choices, or negotiating say 1 day for you and she chooses which?

We always went to the same place in Cornwall because our daughter loved it so much. She spent the day swimming and horse riding and not much else but we were in a gorgeous setting and we all loved it.

Genevie82 · 29/05/2025 22:23

Op, have you considered seeking medication for her anxiety. It will help her greatly x

Original poster
Peachsunrise · 29/05/2025 22:25

Arran2024 · 29/05/2025 22:17

Does she have PDA type autism, where she reacts badly to demands, so even if she wants to do something, when it comes to it she just can't?

If so have you tried offering her 2 choices, or negotiating say 1 day for you and she chooses which?

We always went to the same place in Cornwall because our daughter loved it so much. She spent the day swimming and horse riding and not much else but we were in a gorgeous setting and we all loved it.

That sounds right.
Every day just feels like such a battle that she inevitably wins.
All negotiating turns into bribes so she gets rewarded for doing something other children would love in itself.

Sorry my replies have all been so negative. I do appreciate everyone taking the time to reply. It's reassuring to know others have managed to make it work.

OP posts:
Sassysoonwins · 29/05/2025 22:26

We divide and conquer so one of us stays at the villa whilst the other adult takes the other kid out on adventures so he doesn't miss out. I'm happy with a book by the pool so it works out. The thing is to give up the perfect family dream and just do what works.

Original poster
Peachsunrise · 29/05/2025 22:27

Genevie82 · 29/05/2025 22:23

Op, have you considered seeking medication for her anxiety. It will help her greatly x

Yeah our GP said we had to try counselling first.

We ordered the calming gummies but she refuses to take them.

OP posts:
Whiteflowerscreed · 29/05/2025 22:28

Sounds really tough OP, I feel for you

YesHonestly · 29/05/2025 22:28

Peachsunrise · 29/05/2025 22:25

That sounds right.
Every day just feels like such a battle that she inevitably wins.
All negotiating turns into bribes so she gets rewarded for doing something other children would love in itself.

Sorry my replies have all been so negative. I do appreciate everyone taking the time to reply. It's reassuring to know others have managed to make it work.

Show quote history

I have an autistic daughter so I completely understand.

Comparing her to “other” children and being rewarded isn’t helpful, as you know her brain works differently and it’s not that she won’t, she physically can’t.

We had to forget what a holiday “should” look like and accept our daughter would need lots of downtime. She copes better on UK holidays somewhere quiet, we’ve just got back from one actually. Some days she needed to stay in her room, some evening meals were takeaways but we did manage a fair bit of sightseeing and outings too.

It’s hard OP. I don’t know all the answers but I’m sending solidarity.

Arran2024 · 29/05/2025 22:34

Peachsunrise · 29/05/2025 22:25

That sounds right.
Every day just feels like such a battle that she inevitably wins.
All negotiating turns into bribes so she gets rewarded for doing something other children would love in itself.

Sorry my replies have all been so negative. I do appreciate everyone taking the time to reply. It's reassuring to know others have managed to make it work.

Show quote history

My daughter with PDA got so much more "reasonable" when she realised we understood her generally, throughout the year. This got her anxiety levels down and she was more able to step up when we needed her to. When they are overwhelmed, they can't do anything for anyone. So rather than focus on the holiday, I would focus on her general anxiety throughout the year. PDA strategies work for kids like this.

SeanMaguire · 29/05/2025 22:38

even if she needs time alone etc, you don’t have to let her play Roblox all day? At home or elsewhere

SeanMaguire · 29/05/2025 22:42

Sorry I posted too soon. I mean can you get a villa with pool, hang out as a family play games etc.

minnienono · 29/05/2025 22:49

My dd is autistic with gad and various other 3-4 letter conditions and the trick with holidays is to avoid resort type places, they are sensory overload in a bad way. We did road trips, plenty of museums and galleries, castles and cathedrals, occasionally a theme park. Perhaps 3-4 days in a camp site for swimming and sports then more road tripping. She remembers holidays with fondness. The whole flying, coach, hotel with buffet thing is her nightmare whereas she loved Bavaria for instance

PurpleThistle7 · 29/05/2025 23:01

My daughter is autistic and has anxiety and we almost always do a cabin or villa setup with some sort of water access and very few people. She loves being outside in almost any weather so my husband takes her camping (my idea of hell) and we live in Scotland so do remote cabins and such. She isn’t a massive fan of eating out, particularly in the evening when she gets tired so we always do self catering and try to go out for lunch or ice cream or something to break up the day if we stay somewhere in another country.

Our absolute best holidays were when we were right on the beach or had our own pool - I could relax while the kids played in the pool or at the beach.

hotels are tricky. She’s 12 now and able to try more things than she used to but often through some very intense masking so there’s usually a meltdown after. She can rationalise it a bit better now and make some choices for things that are worth it to her (she loves going to theatre and ballet and such even though it’s hard to be around so many people)

Lovelyview · 29/05/2025 23:03

Our son is a bit like this - now 15. He enjoys swimming - sea or lake, I think it's a good sensory experience. Our outings have a goal that he enjoys such as an ice cream or hot chocolate. Walks are finely calibrated to be fairly short with the option to turn around after giving it a go and sweets at certain points. You could find a nice holiday cottage in the UK in an interesting area and go back to it every year. We frequently go to the Lake District. You can gradually explore it over time and the familiarity would make it easier for your daughter. Can your daughter not be left alone for an hour while you and your husband go for a drink nearby? If not, get somewhere with a terrace or big picture window and eat nice food and drink wine in the holiday cottage. We play a lot of games on holiday too. It's often more about getting away from our day to day lives and responsibilities rather than doing /seeing a lot of exciting new things.

ManchesterGirl2 · 29/05/2025 23:13

Sorry, that sounds tough. For now maybe you need a different style of holiday. A cottage with a nice garden somewhere remote might work better. Take books and board games or watercolours, enjoy the view, go on walks where there aren't too many people.

Original poster
Peachsunrise · 30/05/2025 10:10

Thanks for all the advice folks.
It's just been such a learning curve for us. Though she has always been shy she would have gone to restaurants and parks etc when she was younger so its been really hard to see her become so insulated.
She is an only child so it's not like we can go out with the other kids.
This holiday has been a shock to us all and it's just hard to imagine trying to do it again.

OP posts: