To have another child or not to have another child!

[Lucythesquirrel]

Hello, I’m looking for a bit of wisdom and outside perspective! I’m 38 and have a gorgeous 6-year-old DS (soon to be 7). We’re a happy, close-knit family. I keep going back and forth on whether or not to have another child, and I’d really value some insight.

With one child, life feels balanced and I genuinely love our lives. My DH and I have flexibility with work, which means we’re very present for our DS, we rarely miss school events and are always around for him. We love to travel and are able to afford to do so far and wide, as well as saying yes to amazing experiences as a family. DS is social, has loads of family and friends, and we enjoy the dynamic we have.
When I think about having a second child, I start to worry a little. I didn’t enjoy pregnancy and found the baby stage really hard, we honestly didn’t truly settled until DS was around four. If we had another, I’d need to go back to work, which would add stress (I’m a contractor, and while I can tolerate it, I don’t love what I do). My husband would also have to take on more, and we’d lose the flexibility we value. Sometimes I see parents with more than one child looking completely exhausted, and I wonder if maybe I’m only built to parent one. My husband is happy with just one but always says he doesn’t mind. I should be pretty certain on sticking with one but for some reason I can’t fully let go of the idea of another.

Now that DS is older, things are easier, and the idea of starting again, yes it would be exhausting but it doesn’t feel so overwhelming. We couldn’t have coped with two under three or four, but now? Maybe. I come from a big extended family, thanks to my dad being close to his brother, and if upsets me to think our son might not have that..that is before I remember I have a sister I rarely speak to - so there are no guarantees!

If we did go for it, I know we’d approach things differently. We’d be calmer, more relaxed, and better at working as a team. I have no doubt DS would be an amazing big brother and would love the role.

Still, I go round in circles. Sometimes I realise my reasons for wanting another aren’t the most logical, like “What if I regret it when I’m 50?” or “What if we both die and he’s left to handle everything alone?” Then other times I get broody when I see babies.

I’m also aware that even if we decide to try, it might not happen naturally, and I don’t take that for granted.

So here I am, torn and unsure. Has anyone been in a similar position? Any advice, insights, or words of wisdom would be truly appreciated!

I'd stay as you are. Why complicate things? It seems to me that you are concerned about the potential of having uncomfortable feelings rather than any 'urges'. Stay as three and have a fantastic life together.

You seem pretty clear on the positives of why you think sticking with one works for you, but you don’t seem to be clear yourself on positives is f having another. I think if I was you, on this basis I would stick at 1.

I don’t know this from experience so might be totally wrong, but by the time you had another, your DS would be 8 (if not older depending on how long to conceive). By the time the second child was say 2 and can be engaged, can play with anyone your first would be 10. Such different ages, so I don’t think the “giving a sibling” argument would work here. As I say that’s just my personal take on it! Might be totally told I’m wrong

It sounds as though your life is pretty perfect as it is. I wouldn't change it.

To me it sounds like you have the perfect complete family for you.

A lot of your feelings are quite normal from one child families. The reality is having another child doesn’t always mean siblings getting on and supporting each other after parents have gone.

We were in the exact same position as you a year ago. I had dozens of reasons why we should stick with one but we now have a 7 year old and a 6 month old and it is great! I really struggled with a difficult birth and in the early months with my first, the second has been a dream so far and the big one is absolutely besotted.
The age difference feels a bit mad sometimes and I wish we'd just done it sooner but we certainly have no regrets about going for it. It can be easy to overthink things and talk yourself out of taking a leap like that but babies are a blessing and most problems can be worked out. Good luck with whatever you choose ❤️

You run the risk of blowing up all the positives you describe in your life at present (at least for a long time) and there is absolutely no guarantee that your son will be "an amazing big brother". Why should he be? He might be thoroughly pissed off that his currently good life has been snatched away from him - because it will be. You said yourself that you hardly speak to your own sister. It doesn't sound like your DH is mad about the idea either. Your life sounds great at the moment. I personally wouldn't mess with it for the sake of a biological urge.

We are you but our DS is 9.

It’s fab and so easy now, enough resources to enjoy life, money, time, energy plus we have time to ourselves, as a couple and as a family. We are travelling more and more too which I love.

I figured I’ll never know if having one by choice was the right decision, it was for us when we made it, but the positives now balance out any ‘what ifs’. I’m just happy and thankful for what I have rather than what I could have had, there are no guarantees anyway.

OP I found it all very hard, having a child and adjusting. But I know myself and I know I would have found it harder in the long run to have stuck with just one - but that's me, I know I'd have always been wondering 'what if?'.

If you are set on having another one I don't think the gap matters and it's nice for children to have a sibling.

Hi OP, there’s no right answer here and there’s a lot of unknowns, I emphathise and was in a similar situation to you. We had a 4 year old DD and similar to you life felt very comfortable and easy for all the same reasons, we debated a second and decided to let fate take its course. We would have been happy with one if it hadn’t worked out but I have grown up with siblings and ultimately we felt it would be nice for her to have a brother/sister. We now have a second daughter and a 5 1/2 year age gap and I’m so pleased we did it, our family feels complete. Seeing the bond between them is amazing and I feel comfortable knowing that they will (hopefully, obviously there’s no guarantee) always have each other.
It certainly does blow up your life again! Back to sleepless nights and nappies but you make it work. Our youngest is now 2.5 years old and life is getting easier again.
I think you’d never regret a second child when they were here, but you may possibly regret not having another. That being said, every situation is different, go with your gut and be kind to yourself ❤️

Stick with one past on your OP.

What does each vote mean - sorry that isn’t clear so haven’t voted yet.

My sister was 7 when I was born - it caused her untold anxiety and jealousy that never stopped. Her actual hatred for me was finally verbalised the day we buried our mother - everything was fine until you came along. She made my life hell as much as she could throughout the years I had anything to do with her - she was strategic in how she did it in adulthood. For my own wellbeing I had to cut communication entirely. To this day I suffer from ear aches from when she shoved something in my ear as a baby. If you have an already happy unit be very careful of upsetting that.

I have an 8+ gap between mine. Stepchildren too.
26,24,15, 6, age gap wasn’t a concern for us. the two that aren’t close are the two closer in age.. everything you’d not expect. Tbh I’d say the 6 yo ties us all together. We did take a while to conceive hence the 8+ gap however I wouldn’t change it!!!

of course at 12, 4 their wants and likes are different but we have always managed to do things ALL enjoy so it is absolutely doable.

the “toying with” suggests there is a want for another so I’d be on the side of go for it. If you decide not to, that’s ok too!

I was really broody after my first and only child but there were lots of reasons to stick with one - including 3 step children, so the financial situation would have been very precarious. We both have long term conditions and there was a higher probability I would not conceive or successfully carry to term due to my age. However, had I been in Victoria Coren Mitchell's shoes (or bank account) I'm sure I would have tried! I'd probably have tried in your shoes despite the logic of not doing so I'm not much use, really!

We have DS1 aged 7, and DS2 aged 16 months. I wanted another as soon as DS1 was born as I felt I had so much love to give. As life went on, it didn’t happen. Only when I started selling on DS1’s baby stuff did DS2 appear as a bit of a surprise! Both pregnancies were fine, I loved being pregnant, but I certainly felt the difference being 6 years older and already having a child to look after (I’m in my 40s). Despite his initial reservations, DS1 is a very kind and dotting big brother and I look forward to that relationship developing positively 🤞🤞🤞.

My reservations now are mostly caused by Mum guilt. Like you, with DS1, our work was more flexible back then, and combined with the Covid years and younger grandparents, his formative years were rich. DS2 is not getting the same level of parenting from us (or grandparents due to deteriorating health) as we are now more stretched with work than we were, as well as having 2 children now. I wonder how this will affect him. But on the plus side he has a great older brother and a good childminder.

Bedtimes are cut shorter, for both, but then they also learn the benefit of sharing rather than demanding undivided attention. DS2 has become a Daddy’s boy so far though as I desperately try not to reduce my time with DS1.

I can’t give you a definitive answer. For us we thought the decision had been made, I tried to accept it, but was over the moon to be pregnant again. The reality is more difficult than I envisaged, but I’m still adapting. DS2 is just about to start walking and talking, I’m excited for the next stage and a greater level of interaction with and between our children.

It seems a no brainer to me. Very few people are so happy with their life and risking it seems madness.

What does your DH think?

There’s no greater joy than having a child. Yes, the first few months, or longer, can be tough, then they become teenagers, but I’ve not met a single parent who doesn’t think it’s all worth it. And yes, it involves sacrifices, many sacrifices, that’s sort of the point. Go for it!

There’s 6 years between my DC personally I think it’s the perfect age gap. Having DD2 was much easier than DD1 even though DD1 was an easier baby. DD1 was an extra pair of hands especially for cuddling on the sofa while I was making the dinner. However only you will know if it’s the right thing for you and your family.

I usually think if you’re having any doubts about it, then your answer is ‘no’. It sounds like you have an absolutely wonderful set up now OP and like you say, there are zero guarantees a sibling equals a best friend for life. One of my best friends is a ‘one and done’ parent and I really do envy her at times!!

You have not really given any convincing sounding reasons why you want another, but loads of logical and very sensible reasons why not to. What does your gut say? How do you feel about this, if you put your sensible arguments aside? None of that is coming through in your nice reasoned thoughts as written down there, as much as every single thing you say makes sense:)

I was you when my DD was 3.5. I love my son, he is a genuine delight, but fuck me have I found 2 children hard. My DD is very jealous of him and I feel that my bond with her has been impacted. The combination of the three of us spending time together without my DH or other people to dilute things ALWAYS ends in my DD getting very very angry with me or her brother and it gets quite aggressive. We are exploring possible SEN with her which complicates things, but sometimes I think I would have stuck with one child given the chance to do it again. They are now 6.5 and 3 for context.

There are many brilliant things about having another child, but be very very sure.

Arf, have another one!

good luck!

I don't think the decision to have another child is a logical one.

Like you we were super happy as a 3, life was in balance, DD had started school and we had found some rhythm. BUT when I thought forward 20 years I knew that I wanted a bigger family. I didn't want another baby or pre schooler. But I did want another member of our family round the Christmas table and for me, another member of my family in DDs generation (neither my or DH siblings will have children).

So we bit the bullet and had our second DD. Our first is almost 6 and our second is 7 months.

It's been a bomb. The relaxing time has disappeared, logistics are more complicated and life in general is just more messy. And there were times earlier (and still now I guess) where I wonder if we did the right thing. But overall I think we did. 2nd DD adds so much to all of our lives and it really feels like she was missing all along.

Ultimately it's not a choice to be made with your head. Your child is already too old for the new baby to be a playmate so ultimately it's do YOU want another person in your life.

I'd stay as you are because there's no guarantee that they'll be close. I'm not close to my siblings at all, I wouldn't even attend their funeral.

It doesn’t sound to me like you really really want another child. This a a human being we’re talking about, life changing decision. So in your shoes I wouldn’t.