To have another child or not to have another child!

[Lucythesquirrel]

Hello, I’m looking for a bit of wisdom and outside perspective! I’m 38 and have a gorgeous 6-year-old DS (soon to be 7). We’re a happy, close-knit family. I keep going back and forth on whether or not to have another child, and I’d really value some insight.

With one child, life feels balanced and I genuinely love our lives. My DH and I have flexibility with work, which means we’re very present for our DS, we rarely miss school events and are always around for him. We love to travel and are able to afford to do so far and wide, as well as saying yes to amazing experiences as a family. DS is social, has loads of family and friends, and we enjoy the dynamic we have.
When I think about having a second child, I start to worry a little. I didn’t enjoy pregnancy and found the baby stage really hard, we honestly didn’t truly settled until DS was around four. If we had another, I’d need to go back to work, which would add stress (I’m a contractor, and while I can tolerate it, I don’t love what I do). My husband would also have to take on more, and we’d lose the flexibility we value. Sometimes I see parents with more than one child looking completely exhausted, and I wonder if maybe I’m only built to parent one. My husband is happy with just one but always says he doesn’t mind. I should be pretty certain on sticking with one but for some reason I can’t fully let go of the idea of another.

Now that DS is older, things are easier, and the idea of starting again, yes it would be exhausting but it doesn’t feel so overwhelming. We couldn’t have coped with two under three or four, but now? Maybe. I come from a big extended family, thanks to my dad being close to his brother, and if upsets me to think our son might not have that..that is before I remember I have a sister I rarely speak to - so there are no guarantees!

If we did go for it, I know we’d approach things differently. We’d be calmer, more relaxed, and better at working as a team. I have no doubt DS would be an amazing big brother and would love the role.

Still, I go round in circles. Sometimes I realise my reasons for wanting another aren’t the most logical, like “What if I regret it when I’m 50?” or “What if we both die and he’s left to handle everything alone?” Then other times I get broody when I see babies.

I’m also aware that even if we decide to try, it might not happen naturally, and I don’t take that for granted.

So here I am, torn and unsure. Has anyone been in a similar position? Any advice, insights, or words of wisdom would be truly appreciated!

From what you’ve written I don’t think you should choose to have another baby

I know several people who wanted another child and got twins, are you prepared for that possibility ?

As your DC is already 6 - 7 plus by the time a baby would be born, i’d say no. As pretty soon you’ll have a situation where your DC wants to do age appropriate activities, and having a big age gap will mean doing things separately, instead of together as you do now. My nieces have 6yrs between them, niece 1 was very resentful of niece 2 until she was around 16 plus, when they had more in common (make up, hair, that kind of thing. If you were desperate for another child i’d say don’t worry about the large gap, but given you’re not sure, i’d say the ship has sailed and stick with 1 DC.

Either see what happens or get your tubes tied. Thinking on which of those two options to go for will make your mind up.

I agree.

I absolutely hate my sister and think I’d have had a completely different life if she hadn’t been born, my mum said the same when I was an adult, she said she loved my sister but if she’d known the impact she’d have had on my life she would have stuck with one child.

My sister is almost certainly a narcissist and made everything about her, she was ruthless about getting what she wanted, put everyone down and bullied people, stole large amounts of money from her employer and my parents, spent most of my inheritance after my dad died and she was supposedly caring for our dying mother, isolated my mum, and managed to do all this with people on the outside thinking she was great. Even as a child she would mock adults and make negative comments like them being “fat, poor, badly dressed, smelly or stupid”.

I spent my life being compared to my sister unfavourably despite her bullying me and showing her true self behind closed doors. I was pushed aside as soon as she was born and left home at 17. After she had her own kids she pretty much left them with our parents to raise and as she was a teenager mother my parents had to juggle work then later sacrifice time they could have been slowing down and enjoying time for themselves.

You never know what kind of personality another child will have or if they will have any other illnesses or issues. It’s never guaranteed siblings will get on and you risk blowing apart what seems like a great life.

My mum spent years feeling guilty about how my sister treated me and said she felt sad that she’d had another child so I’d have a sibling for support and company but she knew we’d never speak after she died, she was right and I’ve not spoken to my sister for 10 years. My dad was completely blinkered to her faults and thought she was great, he let her bully me and often treated us differently and compared us, I have a lot of anger still towards him and he died over 13 years ago.

Things are never as simple as they seem, you can’t make plans for kids as they are human beings who often don’t just slot into a fantasy life.

Had a second DD at 37 my DD1 had just turned 8.
she’s completely completed our family I wouldn’t be without her, she’s the little sparkle that I didn’t know I was missing - however holidays are now much more expensive, the dynamic of a pre teen and now preschooler is harder activities / entertaining them wise! Going back to babyhood, pushing a pram, and then starting the school at the bottom again when the older one started senior school was also tough!

I’d stay as you are. I wouldn’t want to throw myself back in to those tough early years again at the point you’re at. I actually think it’d be quite unfair on your existing child to suddenly be so unavailable etc.

I wouldn't have had another if I didn't have my second when my first was still so little (under 2) and I was "in the trenches" already. I found the baby stage so hard, and I don't think I would have ever made the conscious decision to go back to that, especially once my eldest was at the age where life is so much easier. I also wouldn't want just one though, and love how close my girls are, and how much they entertain eachother and have in common, they are like best mates, so I don't know in your situation what I'd do. All I do know is friends who have their children with larger gaps, seem to find it much much harder, for much much longer, and don't reap so. Much of the benefits of having 2, as their interests rarely align, and someone is always having to compromise. Personally I wouldn't have another with the gap you mentioned, for so many reasons. But, I wouldn't want just one child, so I do get why you want another.

Oh op, we had the same dilemma. It was affordability that was our deciding factor. We can’t afford school fees for more than one etc. and we are pretty comfortable and will be should either one of us/both decide not to go back to work. There is enough in the pot to cover our lifestyle plus see to the needs of the little one.

I don’t regret it but I do feel a pang of sorrow when I think she has no one to share her life with ie siblings as I am close to my sister! And my brother in law (husband’s brother) I can’t help but feel she is missing out!

Years ago now, I was wondering about a third child (not advisable for many reasons but hormones, two siblings for both DH and I etc etc made it a question). I saw something on Mumsnet which solidified that we'd have only two.

A poster said something along these lines:

Sit down to Sunday lunch together. Look around your dining table. Is there anyone missing? There's your answer.

You say you’ll be more relaxed and less stressed with the second - but there’s no guarantee of this! It will all be dependent on the second child’s nature and temperament. They could be the polar opposite of your first - trust me I know! Stick with one…

You've left it too long. Too much of an age gap. Don't bother - if you had a burning desire or had been trying constantly for the last few years then I would say carry on, but I would say leave it now and enjoy your DS and the life you have.

Don't change what you have, it sounds wonderful. It's relentless when you have two, though mine are both great kids (6 years between them). I had my second at 39, and now I'm going through the menopause still with school age children, and I'm exhausted and feel really sad that child one had my best years.

We were a family of 3 with 1 DD aged 12 when my DS has come along and it is the best thing ever! It has brought out qualities in my DD that are lovely to see and I believe will make her a more rounded person in later life, I love that she has someone to share feelings of life with myself and DH with and will hopefully have someone to lean on in later life. DS makes her laugh and she is enjoying seeing him grow and learn but we still have time together. We were like you settled and in the easy stages, lots of holidays/treats. We are actually pregnant again now after falling very quickly after DS was born but this was a lovely shock/surprise.

If you're 38 now you could easily be 40 when (or if) you have another child. I had children at 42. I'm now 56 and they're coming up to 14 and it's bloody exhausting ( they're wonderful but it's limiting). You have a great life. I'd just stick as you are and enjoy it all 😃

I am an only child. As a child it was fab, plenty of attention from parents, family, holidays. As an adult it is horrible and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. One of my parents has passed and it was and still is the most lonely time.
As an adult I had my first child (dd) at 27. Life was fab but I was determined to not let her be an only child. Circumstances meant I had my second child at 41. There is a 14 year age gap but they couldn’t be closer. My daughter dotes on her little brother, helps out when she can and he adores her.
If I had to, I would make the same decision again.
Someone once said to me, the worst thing you can do to a child is make them an only child. I thought that was very harsh as sometimes it’s not by choice. My parents were blessed with just me but had tried to have more. It just wasn’t to be.

With you, however, you seem like you are really happy with your unit and if your child has lots of close cousins that’s great. Try and encourage tight extended family bonds as they will be needed as they get older.

We are in the same situation including age of child but I’m firmly one and done. Our life is fantastic why rock the boat?

I have an older boy who dotes on his little sister and who is so proud of her, and I have a toddler who thinks the sun shines out of her big brother. They are quite full on together, but neither is particularly hard work.

I don't know whether having a second would work for you - all families are different - but it worked for us despite many of the reasons against it highlighted above.

Edited: ignore people who say the age gap will be too big. People are weirdly obsessed with age gaps. Siblings with an 8yo age gap will naturally have a different relationship to those with a 2yo age gap by that doesn't make it worse. Being a family of 3 may work for you for many other reasons and you may choose to remain 3, but don't be put off by the age gap.

In your shoes I would stick at one. I didn't enjoy the baby stage either, but we had our 2 DDs in less than 2 years, so we got that stage out of the way, but I certainly wouldn't have wanted to go back to it once we were on the other side!

It sounds like you love your life as it is, but that what's making you yearn for another child is the thought of "what if?", which I don't think is a strong enough reason to upend all of your lives.

I know other people who love having an age gap of 7+ years between their DC, but it wouldn't have worked for our family. Have a think about what that would mean for yours (i.e. the types of days out you'll be able to do will likely only be suitable for the older or the younger child, similarly holidays etc.).

Sounds like you already know the answer: You're happy as you are and don't really want another child. You are worrying because you are running out of time to have a biological child...but there's nothing stopping you from fostering in the future if you want more kids and the fun of raising young children in the future when your child gets older/leaves home etc.

I find it funny where people who don’t have an age gap with their DC say the age gap is too big, whereas people with an age gap say having an age gap is like this is great.

We were somewhat in your position and stuck at one (she's now 12). There are pros and cons but neither DH nor I being close to our siblings was a deciding factor. We knew there was no guarantee of siblings getting on amd we know plenty of examples where they don't (it doesn't have to be extreme - different sexes, different interests, age gap -- siblings can be like strangers raised in the same household).

We have made a big effort with cousins and I think that's a nice relationship to have.

I'm about your age and I personally couldn't think of anything worse than starting again with a baby. Admittedly I have 2 but I absolutely love having older, more independent children and I'm just starting to get my life back.

I think having another child based on what could just be a fantasy of your children being great friends is a bit risky when you know everything is great now.

We stuck at 1. Dd is now 13 and I get the odd pang but there's loads to love. Our house is peaceful, we're getting some independence back as we can go out and leave dd for a few hours, no more school runs and we can do things like concerts without any whining. It's really nice to have these shared experiences. Dd knows there's pluses and minuses to having a sibling and I'm open about my reasons for having one. I also try to open my house to her friends and let her have the freedom she needs.

I like the simplicity of decisions as they only need to prioritise dd and the thought of balancing a little one and dd feels exhausting. I do wonder about who a second child would have been but, that's not a straightforward question as it depends on which egg and which sperm so there's a gazillion possibilities and no crystal ball.

I think your age gap would be too big now.