To have another child or not to have another child!

[Lucythesquirrel]

Hello, I’m looking for a bit of wisdom and outside perspective! I’m 38 and have a gorgeous 6-year-old DS (soon to be 7). We’re a happy, close-knit family. I keep going back and forth on whether or not to have another child, and I’d really value some insight.

With one child, life feels balanced and I genuinely love our lives. My DH and I have flexibility with work, which means we’re very present for our DS, we rarely miss school events and are always around for him. We love to travel and are able to afford to do so far and wide, as well as saying yes to amazing experiences as a family. DS is social, has loads of family and friends, and we enjoy the dynamic we have.
When I think about having a second child, I start to worry a little. I didn’t enjoy pregnancy and found the baby stage really hard, we honestly didn’t truly settled until DS was around four. If we had another, I’d need to go back to work, which would add stress (I’m a contractor, and while I can tolerate it, I don’t love what I do). My husband would also have to take on more, and we’d lose the flexibility we value. Sometimes I see parents with more than one child looking completely exhausted, and I wonder if maybe I’m only built to parent one. My husband is happy with just one but always says he doesn’t mind. I should be pretty certain on sticking with one but for some reason I can’t fully let go of the idea of another.

Now that DS is older, things are easier, and the idea of starting again, yes it would be exhausting but it doesn’t feel so overwhelming. We couldn’t have coped with two under three or four, but now? Maybe. I come from a big extended family, thanks to my dad being close to his brother, and if upsets me to think our son might not have that..that is before I remember I have a sister I rarely speak to - so there are no guarantees!

If we did go for it, I know we’d approach things differently. We’d be calmer, more relaxed, and better at working as a team. I have no doubt DS would be an amazing big brother and would love the role.

Still, I go round in circles. Sometimes I realise my reasons for wanting another aren’t the most logical, like “What if I regret it when I’m 50?” or “What if we both die and he’s left to handle everything alone?” Then other times I get broody when I see babies.

I’m also aware that even if we decide to try, it might not happen naturally, and I don’t take that for granted.

So here I am, torn and unsure. Has anyone been in a similar position? Any advice, insights, or words of wisdom would be truly appreciated!

Go for it. It’s wonderful to have two and the second just slots in.

They also have each other as family when they are adults, get to be uncles and aunties, and share unique childhood memories.

(Caveat I know this isn’t guaranteed etc etc!)

I'm the same age so is my child from my 1st marriage. Now remarried and now he's 7 I don't want to go back. We have balance. My dh doesn't have biological kids but isn't bothered. Also I didn't really enjoy parenthood until my child was 4 so it's factoring that in too and doing all the baby stuff at 40. I was knackered at 30

This is similar to my situation, haven't spoken to my brother in a decade and a half, and was left to sort out everything including the funeral when our last parent died - so having a sibling doesn't mean your DS wouldn't land up doing it alone anyhow.

Everything you've written says you should stick to one. In fact, the fact that DH is one of many siblings but barely speaks to any of them, and I'm one of 2 but we loathe each other, is partly what made us just have one child...

I’ve seen very good outcomes from being

An only child
One of Two
One of Five
one of ten!!

basically - child doesn’t ‘need’ siblings and will be fine as an only child. Although siblings can be a blessing definitely- but so can being an only child if the child feels loved and secure.
Alll a child needs is emotionally mature parents who allow a child to be their own person - this applies to only children and to kids in large families equally

I was torn over this a year ago-
I now have a 16 week old along with my nearly 6 year old.
For me and husband so far best decision we've ever made.
Sure- I'm dreading going back to work when she's one so may be singing a different tune then but the positive change in my older daughter and the joy&fresh perspective a new little one has bought to my parenting are priceless.

I’m so glad I shared this, your responses have brought me a real sense of peace, and I’m incredibly grateful for all the support. I’d struggle to reply to each individually, so to generalise -

On the age gap – I know it is a factor, but it honestly doesn’t bother me at all. I would much prefer it this way tbh.

Sibling relationships – I completely agree, there’s no guarantee they’ll be close. Interestingly though, I actually get on better with my brother, who’s nearly 10 years younger than me, than I do with my sister who’s much closer in age. And while I believe DS would be amazing as a big brother, I’m also aware he might just turn around and say, “What on earth have you done to my life?!”

Getting pregnant and having twins/triplets - yes this is something I would absolutely not be prepared for!!

Some of your comments genuinely brought tears to my eyes. Ive quoted this one because it made be burst into tears (!) because my gut reaction was “no.” I think it’s because our Sundays are often spent with extended family or close friends whose kids are the same age as DS, but even if it were just the three of us one day, I know we’d be happy 🥹

DH and I had a really long chat about it all last night. He said clearly that he’s more than content with what we have and feels grateful rather than focusing on what we don’t. I think when it comes to a second child, I might be leading too much with my head, thinking practically about DS having support in the future. My DH dad just died and his brother helped him deal with it all but he said had he not been there, he wouldn’t have known any difference and would have just got on with it - he would have had me/our friends, so that was interesting. And then there’s this huge societal pressure: if you only have one, people think something’s wrong; if you have three, they think you’re mad! It’s wild that this mindset still exists today. So when friends start having their second, I find myself wondering, ‘Should we?’ But deep down, my heart says, ‘Actually, I don’t think I want this for us’

Funnily enough in one of my favourite films since I was a child the family have one DD. I always remember watching that thinking, I love that dynamic, even from a young age!

This has been really helpful, THANK YOU ❤️

I'm glad you had a good talk with your DH, OP! And good luck with whatever the future has in store.

If you're worrying about it before it happens then I'd suggest it's probably not the right thing to do. The only positive you came up with was that you'd have a bigger extended family - not a good enough reason IMO.
The pre-school child care alone would put most people off, and it is a big age gap so they wouldn't necessarily be close siblings.

You just seem like a very positive person. I think you find joy in one child and I think you would find joy in two. You are in a lovely position and can't really lose. I think the hardest thing is making such a momentous decision. I hope you make peace with whatever you decide. You will have a beautiful life either way. You walk in fields of gold.

Apologies, I missed your last post before I wrote. I'm sure you've made the right decision.

Op, you sound like a wonderful mother and person. Your life sounds fantastic and you, your husband and child sound very happy. That is the goal for us all. I think there’s a myth around having more kids, equals happy family. I don’t buy this. I was an only child and love it. I don’t doubt I will be devastated when my parents go, but having another sibling may not lessen that pain. Also, I still get that broody feeling. I have two and initially I thought I should act on it, now I realise that babies will always be hard to resist, it doesn’t mean having a whole person cannonball into the family is the right thing. Your child sounds like they have rich relationships with extended family and family friends, and don’t need the sibling gap filled.

I have a brother. He made my childhood miserable and now, as adults, we have no relationship. All the care of our mum falls on me.

Having a child to stop another child being lonely is downright stupid in my opinion.

Thank you so much, you are so right about more kids and it’s nice to hear from someone with experience of being an only child xx

I had my last baby at 38 after a 9 year gap. I thought it would be easy - I'd done it all before so it must be. I was exhausted! Realised why the hospital called mums over 35 geriatric mothers! (She's 20 next month btw - perfect daughter and I wouldn't be without her). I always say if you have a decision to make over anything that if you have to ask yourself if it's what you want then it's a no - if it was a yes then you would know straight away without question.

I agree with others, you’re all happy now so you should probably just stay as you are.

I very much wanted a DC2. DH was on the fence so I left it up to him with a time limit. He decided he did want DC2 and luckily it happened for us straight away. I was 37 with a 6 year old DC1. Not a fan of pregnancy but both of mine were luckily fine, no complications. We like the baby stage so that was also fine for us. It’s getting trickier now at toddler stage and I can see that DC1 does struggle a bit at times with the tantrums etc. I feel like a 2-4 year age gap is probably easier.

No regrets whatsoever from us though. This stage is temporary and DC1 does adore DC2, and vice versa. DC2 absolutely completed our family.

I've met people who regret having children and it's important to remember that.
Very difficult decision OP
My siblings have enriched my life enormously but I appreciate that isn't the same for all.
I have one child due to circumstances and feel he is disadvantaged by not having siblings.
Good luck with your decision OP, there will be ifs and buts with whatever decision you make.

Ignore the people talking about the age gap being too big they are completely wrong. It’s much easier having a larger age gap than a smaller one.

Firstly, the older child is somewhat independent (can get themselves ready for school for example), second they understand what’s going on so you don’t get jealousy issues, and third they can help out! My daughter who was 8 at the time, changed nappies on my youngest and helped with bath times, putting to bed, feeding, etc.

This helped them form an emotional bond that simply wouldn’t have been there if they were two years apart, and that’s before you get to the fact you’d need to care for two toddlers at the same time.

If in doubt don't. My mantra has never let me down. This is not a good world to bring another human into, if your life is settled now, just enjoy it and don't add to the earth's burden.

You have a nice setup op. Not a given kids get on either. We have two there more juggling yes.

Your post is very clear that you don't want or need another child. Why are you putting this pressure on yourself. Bit ridiculous

It's society mainly. Being an only child is the worse thing you can do to a child is many people's attitude. I've had people tell me this I mean seriously ffs ?

I felt the same way as you at 35 , my son was 13 so older and I really couldn’t decide . Ended up having another child and it’s been the best decision I made . Even with a larger gap a sibling does wonders for children imo .
My only regret was not having the courage to do it sooner to be honest .

Why do people think this?

Old school lazy stereotypes

Fair enough - but I wouldn’t think they existed in 2025!!!