Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH BU or am I re family staying?

76 replies

Samuelthespaniel · 29/05/2025 09:05

It looks like my younger sibling may be starting a mix of work/college based training soon. The thing is, for the college parts they about and hour and a half drive away. He could get a room in the city where the college is but as he wouldn’t be in college full time it seems a waste as a lot of the leases are year to year (granted I have seen a few shorter term ones and part of me things it would be good for my sibling to have that experience of living away from home, on the other hand I’m quite a bit older than my sibling and I feel a duty of care to help them in whatever way I can). I live an hour away from it and when asked if sibling could stay here during those times (I assume it could be anything from 8-22 weeks at a time, weekdays only) I said I’d have to discuss it with DH first but I would be on board. DH has said he’s happy for people to stay on the occasional night but that he doesn’t want someone here for multiple nights or weeks. For context DH works lates (sometimes not getting home till 2am) so doesn’t get up til 9-10am sometimes and he said it would be another person making noise in the morning and to clean up after, and said he has spent the best part of a decade living with housemates and he finally has his own space. He’s the same when I suggested getting a summer student or a lodger so I know it’s not personal. He wouldn’t actually be in the house in the evenings when my sibling is here though. Another family member who lives near me also has a spare room so that also may be an option. AIBU to push it? I think my parents were hoping he’d be staying here.

OP posts:
chatgptsbestmate · 29/05/2025 09:06

How old is your sibling?

VanessaShanessaJenkins99 · 29/05/2025 09:07

So he lives an hour and a half away from college and you live an hour away from college?

Samesame47 · 29/05/2025 09:09

I love my DH’s family, I love my family - no way I would have any of them staying with me that much. The odd night or two is nice, more than that would be a definite no from me

Original poster
Samuelthespaniel · 29/05/2025 09:10

Sibling is 18. Yes I’m about 30 mins less of a drive than him.

OP posts:
Barrenfieldoffucks · 29/05/2025 09:10

I wouldn't want a family member moving in either. The odd night is fine, but not longer term.

He's only be saving a half hour anyway surely?

If the other person has space let them hash it out themselves.

Loveduppenguin · 29/05/2025 09:12

To be honest, if he’s getting in the car to drive her, he might as well get in the car to drive an hour and a half. I think these situations are fine if you’re saving someone a mammoth amount of time but a half an hour is neither here or there if I was your sibling I would just drive the hour and a half every morning and every evening.

chatgptsbestmate · 29/05/2025 09:13

Samuelthespaniel · 29/05/2025 09:10

Sibling is 18. Yes I’m about 30 mins less of a drive than him.

I think 18 is old enough to find a room to rent and live independently. 18 year olds leave home to go to uni all the time. Help sibling find somewhere suitable to live. Offer to help with rent if you can. Win win all round

Chamomileteaplease · 29/05/2025 09:14

Too much potential for conflict. To just save half an hour.

Let him find somewhere actually in the town. A more informal arrangment as a lodger could perhaps save money especially as he won't be there weekends/holidays etc - something might be able to be negotiated.

Or might the college be able to help.

Listen to your dh. After working late, the last thing you want is some 18 year old disturbing your sleep!

Tiswa · 29/05/2025 09:14

You are I would not want my house or space to be take up by someone else - as you said your DH doesn’t want anyone (why did you want a summer student or lodger)

an hour is still a long time he probably should just move for it

redskydelight · 29/05/2025 09:14

I'm totally with your DH. I wouldn't want someone else moving in for a long period of time and his rationale about not wanting to be woken in the morning is reasonable.

I also can't see why your sibling would even want to do this when you are still an hour's drive away. It's not like it's the difference between 1.5hours and 5 minutes.

Sibling needs to make the same decision as any other student in this position and suck up the commute (which sounds like it's not even every day), or pay the rent needed to live close by.

Lovenpic · 29/05/2025 09:15

You can’t make your husband live with someone else if he doesn’t want to. It’s really shitty to try to force him.

Shinyandnew1 · 29/05/2025 09:16

No, I wouldn't. If you were a 2 minute walk and your husband was on board, I'd do it. But to just save your brother a third of his journey and your husband doesn't want to, then that's a no from me.

thepariscrimefiles · 29/05/2025 09:17

If you lived a short distance from his college, it would make sense for him to stay with you.

However, an hour's drive compared to a 1.5 hour's drive isn't really significant enough to inconvenience your DH to that extent.

GandTtwice · 29/05/2025 09:17

At 18 and at college I would expect your sibling would want to make new friends with their course mates similar to someone who is off to uni at the same age. That would be much easier if they lived in the same city not an hour away

MrsSkylerWhite · 29/05/2025 09:17

I agree with your husband.

MmeChoufleur · 29/05/2025 09:20

My background is in work based learning. I’ve never know a training program that involves learning half way across the country for 8 - 22 weeks at a time. It’s completely impractical. What course is he doing?

hedgerunner · 29/05/2025 09:26

For the sake of 30mins drive extra each way I think sibling should just stay where they are. If your dh is not totally on board then this won’t work. He’s not wrong that due to his shifts he is worried about being disturbed by another person making noise.

SENNeeds2 · 29/05/2025 09:31

Loveduppenguin · 29/05/2025 09:12

To be honest, if he’s getting in the car to drive her, he might as well get in the car to drive an hour and a half. I think these situations are fine if you’re saving someone a mammoth amount of time but a half an hour is neither here or there if I was your sibling I would just drive the hour and a half every morning and every evening.

This

Blackdow · 29/05/2025 09:31

Your sibling should look at lodging. See if anyone would offer to lodge just for the weeks he is in college. It’s easier than a room share because if he lodges, he can just leave with a couple weeks notice or sometimes no notice and it’s cheaper. It’s a bit silly to stay with you, disrupting everyone, just to save half an hour. Lodging in the area of his college would be worth it as then travel time is cut down massively.

MzHz · 29/05/2025 09:32

@Samuelthespaniel its work based and college mixed, so 1 or 2 days a week at college? The rest is in the workplace?

if you were closer it would make sense for the sibling to stay on the nights they are going to college, but to save 30mins? No. Not worth it at all on a regular basis, but once in a blue moon perhaps

TakingHavenInTescoExpress · 29/05/2025 09:38

Sibling might as well start practising for the world of work, which often includes commuting.

Shinyandnew1 · 29/05/2025 09:46

it would be good for my sibling to have that experience of living away from home

Absolutely agree. He needs to make friends and be able to socialise with them. Do you want him bringing his newfound college mates and girls back to your house?! Your husband clearly doesn't which is completely understandable.

FedupofArsenalgame · 29/05/2025 10:15

MmeChoufleur · 29/05/2025 09:20

My background is in work based learning. I’ve never know a training program that involves learning half way across the country for 8 - 22 weeks at a time. It’s completely impractical. What course is he doing?

My brother did an apprenticeship in Kent with a bus company. He had to attend college in Coventry for some weeks each year

Mrsttcno1 · 29/05/2025 10:16

You’re being very unreasonable, I’m with your husband, overnights here & there is one thing but 8-22 weeks- nope! And I wouldn’t allow my husband to “push” me into this agreement, I’d tell him he can get and pay for his own home if he wants to move somebody else in.

godmum56 · 29/05/2025 10:19

Team DH here. Sorry I think that's one of those things where either party should have power of veto and you need to respect his.
Additionally its not going to be just one person sleeping there, it would be a whole different lifestyle in your house. I think that your parents' "hope" is a bit cheeky and I don't think you should have told them you were onboard albeit you did say you'd need to talk to your DH.....I mean be honest, you know he's refused before...did you HONESTLY think he was going to say yes?