Is DH BU or am I re family staying?

[Samuelthespaniel]

It looks like my younger sibling may be starting a mix of work/college based training soon. The thing is, for the college parts they about and hour and a half drive away. He could get a room in the city where the college is but as he wouldn’t be in college full time it seems a waste as a lot of the leases are year to year (granted I have seen a few shorter term ones and part of me things it would be good for my sibling to have that experience of living away from home, on the other hand I’m quite a bit older than my sibling and I feel a duty of care to help them in whatever way I can). I live an hour away from it and when asked if sibling could stay here during those times (I assume it could be anything from 8-22 weeks at a time, weekdays only) I said I’d have to discuss it with DH first but I would be on board. DH has said he’s happy for people to stay on the occasional night but that he doesn’t want someone here for multiple nights or weeks. For context DH works lates (sometimes not getting home till 2am) so doesn’t get up til 9-10am sometimes and he said it would be another person making noise in the morning and to clean up after, and said he has spent the best part of a decade living with housemates and he finally has his own space. He’s the same when I suggested getting a summer student or a lodger so I know it’s not personal. He wouldn’t actually be in the house in the evenings when my sibling is here though. Another family member who lives near me also has a spare room so that also may be an option. AIBU to push it? I think my parents were hoping he’d be staying here.

It's massively unreasonable to expect this of your DH. His working hours are irrelevant. Most people wouldn't want one of their in-laws living with them for months at a time - as he said, it would be like living in a house share and that really isn't what he signed up for when you got married.

Your parents are also very unreasonable for hoping/expecting you to take on your 18-year-old brother like that. Especially for the sake of saving your brother only half an hour of extra travel.

A ninety-minute commute isn't 'half way across the country' ffs

Yabu, sounds like it would do sibling good to be more independent

I agree with your DH, I’d absolutely hate having anybody stay long term.

“anything from 8-22 weeks at a time”

I’m not surprised your DH said no! My DD did a six week placement staying with her sister - I know DSis put out the flags when she left! And DD was rather older than 18 at the time (so more responsible/considerate). The fact that you say “at a time” implies it would be more than once, too. Please, OP, don’t put the needs of your younger brother above those of your DH - that way, disaster lies.

I'm with your DH on this one.

If you lived IN the city and it would be a 5 minute walk then I'd consider having him as a lodger for 4 nights a week, but you're only 30 mins closer so it's utterly pointless and makes no sense.

He should look for a spare room in the city to rent. Lots of people take in lodgers during the week.

Sorry, where I live, “halfway across the country” means ‘a long distance’. I didn’t realise that the rest of the UK was so literal. (Incidentally from where I live (west coast of England) I could literally drive halfway to the east coast in 90 minutes.

Yep, I'm with your DH on this, it's really difficult to share space for several days for me, let alone any longer. I even need time in the house alone without my DH each week or I start getting a bit wound up. I think even more so when your DH has difficult shift patterns.

You're not even that close to the college.
Can he not find someone who wants a part time lodger that's really close to the college?
Or use Air BnB.
If he's going to live near there it really does need to be within short walking distance. Else he may as well stay home and tolerate the commute.

Team husband. I'd hate this and would refuse too. It's a huge invasion of privacy and what should be personal relaxing space, and not for a short time either. You're also not close enough to make it worthwhile.

Could be for up to 22 weeks??? No chance. One night a week maybe to save him a wee bit of extra driving, but that would be it for me.

Another vote for your DH. It's madness to have your household disrupted for weeks at a time for the sake of saving 30 minutes of a drive. Your sibling would get much more out of the college experience by staying closer to the site. You say that you feel a duty of care to your sibling - use that to help them find suitable accommodation closer to college.

For only a 30 min saving on their journey, I'm with DH

Team DH , it is also his home. You asked, he’s not happy.

For only a 30 min saving on their journey, I'm with DH

Once a week would be OK. Potentially 4 nights a week for multiple weeks is a lot.

Not a chance. It’s way too much. I would absolutely NOT have my partners 18 year old living with us Monday-Friday. I’d be livid if he even suggested it. No. No no no.

I may even understand more if he lived an hour and a half away and you lived five minutes away,
but the difference between a n hour and a half and an hour really isn’t worth him practically moving in over. Like many, many other 18 year old students, he can sort himself out.

I can understand both your sides , you obviously wanting to help your younger sibling and your husband not feeling comfortable with that amount of time. Could you not then compromise, you still offering help but just not that amount of time , maybe just for a certain amount of time or on specific weeks

"I said I’d have to discuss it with DH first but I would be on board."
Did you tell them you were on board? If so, you've thrown your DH under the bus as a 'no' will obviously come from him.

If it was short term like a 2 month placement or whilst he found somewhere then sure, but nope, this is too long.

A place as a Mon-Friday lodger would be cheaper than the petrol. And have him near college for socialising, what would he do in an evening if he lived with you.

Spare room website, loads of people want this set up.

Tbh I’d not want someone staying with me up to several weeks at a time either. Unfortunately you’ve told them that you’ll be on board so your dh will end up being the bad guy.

tbh I think he should stay near college, it will be great for him to socialise with his friends and he’ll get the college experience. Probably also be cheaper than petrol

Yeah I don’t see the point in all this upheaval for that time difference. He might as well just go home and save the money (as assuming you’d charge him board?)

I wouldn’t want weeks and weeks of someone else in my house for this reason either.

Team DH. For all the reasons others give. As well as the impact on your dh of the loss of privacy. I wouldn’t want to come in at 2:00 am to an extra person in the household. It would feel like I was an intruder on a family that pre existed me.

Sounds like this isnt ideal for sibling either. Surely he will want to socialise with college friends, meet ups and enjoy the city. Youre still an hour away and not really making any difference to his life baving him stay with you.
An 18 hear old will surely start wanting to go out and come home late some nights, college schedules can be all over the place.

The choice is fairly simple. You help your brother out (although the saving in travel time doesn't seem to be huge) or you risk wrecking your marriage.