DH throwing out my things

[fa556]

DH is a minimalist to the extreme, he has very little in terms of 'things'. Naturally I'm the opposite, a hoarder. Over the years I've conceded ground and downsized a LOT to pacify him, although it's probably fair to say that I still have too much stuff and it's also a bit messy and cluttered. Having kids has obviously brought more stuff to the house generally, but my own "stuff" is contained, with most of the house being tidy and (from my perspective at least) quite minimalist as he likes it. The "stuff" is in our bedroom (my side) to some extent, but mostly in my study which only I use.
In response to my compromises, instead of compromising too he seems to be going the other way. I'm increasingly finding my stuff in the bin, or things have just disappeared. I'm not talking about my most prized possessions, but they are things that I have bought, with my own money, for myself, that are on my side of the bedroom or in my study. I've always known not to leave things lying around in the kitchen or lounge or whatever for this reason, but it's like he's encroaching more and more on what I'd consider limited private spaces. To be fair, a lot of them are not big stuff. But even if it's just a receipt, it might be for some things I had meant to return or where I was going to claim something back as an expense. But to him, he's right and I'm wrong.
Even if it's actually something that is completely unimportant and doesn't matter to me, I still feel in principle that he shouldn't be throwing out my things from my study without checking or at the very least telling me. Am I being unreasonable?
When I pick him up on something specific, the response is always about the actual thing in question "what were you going to do with it anyway / it had a rip in it / you said yourself you have too many socks". Where for me, it's about the principle of it being up to me what to do with my own things. He says my clutter affects him as he lives here too, but he increasingly seems to be looking for it beyond surface level (while he is extremely private about his own things).
His 'need' to get rid of things also extends to perishable goods. So I might buy an expensive condiment (where he won't spend a penny more than he has to on anything), or I'll get a bottle of Baileys as a present from someone, he'll use them up as fast as he can, I'm talking days, not really 'enjoying' them as far as I can see, but just to get them out of the house. And inside I feel "hey they are my nice things", but am I just being selfish?
The other side is that I probably do have too much stuff and too much emotional attachment to 'things'. And gifts I receive like the Baileys could be in the cupboard for weeks/months otherwise. He says they're there to be used. Should I just give in?
At the moment I'm not giving in, at least not in my head, it's a huge source of frustration for me. But any effort to put a boundary in place on this, as with anything else really, is met with a bullheaded wall of stubborness ("I'm not agreeing to that"). I basically have to let it go time and again. But it's making me very anxious, what will be gone next?

No advice OP but I can sympathise, it’s exhausting living with someone who can’t stand clutter, my mum is exactly the same, when I went to university she got rid of my bed because I wasn’t using it, I spent the holidays sleeping on the sofa because my childhood bed was ‘clutter’ and she threw away my school photos because she ‘didn’t need them’ and someone I was at school with is now mildly famous and I would’ve liked to show my kids the photos but I can’t.

OMG this is like 'cancel the cheque' all over again.

Can people stop focusing on the hoarding/minimalist part and more on HIS reaction (or rather overreaction) to normal every day conflict? You have no voice in this marriage.

Op, ignore the posters focusing on the hoarding and take heed of the posters telling you that he is abusive, or at the very least a bully.

This is not normal.

@fa556 You are gaslighting yourself here in your response to the PP. Your husband has you doubting yourself and your own reality. As others have said, this is not a healthy dynamic. It should be enough for you to state that you don't want your things chucked out, and to have that be respected. You have to right to exist in your own home.

And you would probably sip yours over two years whilst drowning in a cesspit of dirty socks.

As soon as you said hoarder it gave me the ick. I am with your husband whatever the issue is.

Mad, isn't it?! Normally, you take security precautions with your stuff to avoid burglars or other thieves from getting hold of it and depriving you of it; not your own husband.

Hi attitude isn't ok and he shouldn't be throwing out your things or dictating how long you can keep consumable gifts for (unless they've expired). My DH is a bit of a hoarder and tends to leave paperwork etc on the sides in the living room for weeks on end. It gets gathered up and taken into his office once the stack gets annoying to move around to clean.

I do move unnecessary stuff of his out of the bedroom pretty quickly (loose change and odds and sods that he's emptied out of his pockets). I have a dust allergy and when it flares up, it stops me sleeping properly. Can't be bothered moving it all to clean and he never offers to dust in there. I normally let him know when I'm planning to give a room a thorough clean so he can move his stuff where he wants it, if he doesn't we've agreed it gets put on his desk.

@TipsyRaven247 and his controlling behaviour doesn’t?

DP has a cluttered study room. The door remains closed. I have learned to leave his stuff well alone. His dad died when he was 10 and was sent away to boarding school soon after. There are so many “ things” and objects in the attic which are from his childhood, clothes he will never wear, stuff in the shed that has sat there for years. He’s starting Di go through things now and either sell or get rid. I leave him to it.

Your DH has no right to invade your study and take your stuff.

YANBU OP.

Your H would be my worst nightmare, I have a hobby which takes up some space. There would be hell to pay if any of this got thrown away, the materials are not cheap to buy.

Try putting a lock on your study door, if only you use the space then there is no need for anyone to go in there.

Sending hugs

Where has OP said she leaves dirty socks around? I notice you haven't denied stealing other people's gifts and gulping them down within days 😁 Probably why you are keen to defend the thieving husband.

I agree. Your study should be able to be like Monica's closet in Friends OP. It's YOUR study. If he doesn't like it, he doesn't need to go in it. Keep the door shut and lock it if he can't honour the boundaries.

It’s interesting that the two things that you’ve referenced that he throws away are a receipt and perishables.

if a receipt has been lying around for days I’d likely throw it in the bin and of course perishables need to be used or binned. I’m not a slave to use by dates but there is definitely a point of no return.

I grew up in a messy house. Don’t underestimate how detrimental it is to children - it’s had a lifetime impact on me and the way I live.

if you’re really honest with yourself how would you rate your study in its normal state against this image?

look at the examples of things that have been thrown away. These aren’t items of importance. They are rubbish.

So yes I’m viewing the accusation of necking the baileys suspiciously in context of that.

It's really not your place to say that someone else's property is rubbish that can be thrown out.

Or her husband's.

A receipt is automatically rubbish? Even if you need to return the item for any reason, and it's your only proof of purchase?

If you've bought an item costing £500 and it turns out to be faulty, that receipt could be worth £500 to you: hardly 'rubbish' unless you're as rich as Elon Musk.

Bailey's isn't really a perishable though @DancingNotDrowning. It lasts for a couple of years and it was a present to the OP.

This demonstrates the massive power imbalance. That you'd be scared to do the same to him because of how destructive his response would be.
Those who are defending him will be just as controlling and abusive themselves so don't see a problem. They should be ignored.

If it’s left lying around yes.

You also don’t need a receipt as proof of purchase for faulty items, bank statement is fine. Or let me guess there’s wads of cash lying around with the ripped up socks and old receipts.

It is my place and her husbands to expect to not live in rubbish.

I actually am a bit of a hoarder. For years my H 'helped me' by moving things and throwing them away (clothes, books, important paperwork, receipts). I had too many things in an attempt to feel safe but he made me feel less safe. It was a horrible combination and I then sometimes needed to replace things and he would then berate me. He is gone now. Interestingly my son tells me that his flat is an absolute mess (and also contains some of my nicer things that he took)

This may not be relevant to you, sorry. But he has no right in your private study (or your half of the bedroom either really). He is encroaching on you not the other way around. If the rest of your marriage is good this may be worth working through but you might need some (separate before joint) Counselling to help?

Ok and this is where it goes into bullshit controlling territory. Unacceptable bullying behaviour. It’s not his role to chuck stuff out and punish you. Who the hell is he to say you can’t go on hols?

@Riaanna a receipt isn’t rubbish if you need it to claim expenses

In which case it shouldn’t be left lying around.

He's a bully.

In this case, your only real option is either to accept that he's like this and put up with it, or leave. I know what I'd do.