DH to go on 3rd holiday this year at NYE

[BrummieGinge889]

A tough one, I'd welcome some thoughts. We live abroad, a 13 hour flight from the UK, our choice and so far we have always done lots of traveling back and forth. I have an almost 7 month old son and work full time. DH is currently on holiday, fine, it's a week away planned a long time ago, I have no issue with it. I've just gone back to work from mat leave so I couldn't take the time off.

He's going again in August for a family thing which means another week away. Also fine, no problem with that, the event is not suitable for a 1 year old to tag along.

His friend is getting married on NYE which would mean I would be alone from Boxing Day until 3 Jan, even if DH only goes for a few days (2 days there, 2 days back of travelling). I can't go. The price of the tickets plus hotels for all 3 of us is ridiculous plus our son will be 15 months and he would probably be a nightmare on such a long flight. Not fair on him or anyone really. Childfree wedding anyway.

I had initially said probably fine but was chatting to my mum just now who is saying that's really not ok. He won't have enough leave for a family holiday this year because of these trips which means I will probably not get one as, let's face it, who wants to take a 1 year old on holiday by themselves, I'd rather stay home where I have childcare help and baby has a nice routine.

I will probably go on a weekend away in November with a friend but that's not comparable, is it? And i have no interest in holidaying alone just for the sake of it, I did enough of that when younger.

My mum says I'm underestimating how hard work baby will be at 15 months and how much I'll resent being completely alone with a toddler for the holidays. She thinks it's a recipe for resentment down the line and she said she's seeing him in a whole new light right now for even suggesting it.

It's too expensive for family to visit us then, they will come later in March actually.

I just don't know how I feel about it. If I say no, DH will stay but he will be gutted. But I also don't want to be a martyr and resent it.

Have a calm serious talk with him.

He is prioritising his holidays with friends and family over holiday time with you and your child, and leaving you, as a working parent, with a lot of solo parenting.

I would rather he realises and chooses of his own accord that it is unfair to disappear for all 3 holidays.

But if not, I would say no, this is Not On.

Thanks @BangersAndGnash I genuinely have no problem with the first 2 trips but yeah, going away for NYE is a stretch too far. Don't know why I needed my mum to point it out.

"will probably not get one as, let's face it, who wants to take a 1 year old on holiday by themselves"

@BrummieGinge889 surely he'd parent the baby at home while you're on holiday, as you do when he is?

First I’d say it’s none of your mum’s business. Rarely a good idea to involve outside parties in your marriage. Parents especially are almost programmed to take your side over your spouse which isn’t necessarily helpful.

Secondly, how do you feel about looking after your child alone for a week? If you enjoy it and find it easy I think that’s important. If you find it difficult and stressful that’s also important. I think I would let this determine my answer.

Third, how do you feel about the family holiday? If that’s important to you and DH going to the wedding means you can’t have one, I would put my foot down. If you’re not bothered this year - maybe travelling with a baby doesn’t sound like fun no matter how many adults there are - then it’s a non-issue.

Basically - it may or may not be ok depending on how you feel about it. But don’t let your mum interfere.

When you say it’s “our choice” to live abroad, do you genuinely mean that? Or did, for example, you get an excellent job offer overseas and as a couple you decided to take it and your DH had to change his job/career to join you?

If, for example, he is the “trailing spouse” I’d have a bit of sympathy with him wanting to go home for big family events and wedding etc.

If, however, you’re actually living abroad because of HIS career, or your joint decision that it made the most sense for your nuclear family to live there, then he’s being out of line.

If he made the decision to live where you live, he cannot be running home every 5 mins, using up all his annual leave, family money and leaving you (quite literally) holding the baby, that’s just not fair.

I find this really sad OP.
It really makes me wonder why some people bother getting married. Because to all intents and purposes your H still lives his life as a single man. Surely when people get married the " we" is the all important thing. But he still thinks of himself as an " I".
What is the point of your marriage when you are not a unit?

@nopineapplepizza neither is a trailing spouse, the move was excellent for us both. It's hard now we have a baby as travelling is very hard suddenly so we need to adjust i think. Until now, we were indeed flying back and forth all the time.

That’s too much - he should recognise that although it’s unfortunate these things have all come up at once, his priority is to you and his child and something’s got to give and it’s the NYE holiday!

Surely he wants to save some AL to take you and your baby away somewhere as a family? Isn’t that more important than a wedding?

Your DH is taking the piss, and your mum won’t be the only one thinking it, it’s just that she’s the only one that’s said it out loud.

Did he actually want a child? Because it doesn’t seem like he wants his life and his priorities to change at all.

Why are you letting your mum convince you that it’s a problem when you were fine with it previously?

Plenty of people would be fine with it, and plenty wouldn’t. Neither are right or wrong. But if you didn’t have an issue with it, it seems a bit odd for your mum to make it a problem. Does she regularly meddle in your marriage?

@S0j0urn4r I have no interest in holidaying alone and all my friends are busy having big holidays with their own families at this age. My parents will be visiting us so I have no compelling reason to fly out just for the sake of it.

When you choose to live abroad you sometimes have to miss out on things. He needs to learnt his fast, he can't just be deserting you every 5 minutes.

Nip this in the bud. You don’t want this to become the new normal because was ok the first 2-3 times. Leaving you alone with your child over the holidays is not ok. Not having a family holiday because of his solo trips is also not ok.

@heroinechic no, she doesn't meddle and she loves DH. We were just chatting while I was walking the baby this morning and I mentioned the idea and she was a bit taken aback. It was a 30 second conversation but it's made me think.

@BrummieGinge889well then in making the decision that “the move was excellent for you both”, you both knew it was a decision that would mean missing out on various events in the UK.

This would have been weighed up when making the choice to move. He decided it was worth the sacrifice and moved, he wasn’t forced into it, it was his choice.

Now he’s a father he needs to use his annual leave on being a parent like the rest of us; that’s what happens when you have kids 🤷‍♀️

I think that he should go to his friends wedding, that you will be fine to care for your own child, and that your mum should shut her pie hole.

Just wondering why the week's holiday now and the family week thing (why is this him only, not all of you) are OK but his friends wedding (4 days) is not ok..and is only he asked?

I'd hate to be told I can't go to a friends wedding...but equally a family holiday at some stage (maybe using a bank holiday so 9 days away only using 4 days annual leave) would be a priority

If you were to go away why would you need to take the 1 year old? Surely you’ll do what he’s doing? Go away and leave the baby with the parent at home?

This suggests to me that he isn’t an active parent which is a concern.

I often go on holiday without my husband but I do take our son.

Do you have much help at home with the little one? It's a shame he is prioritising these holidays over a family holiday.

You can only talk to him and voice your concerns.

As long as he would be happy for the OP to spend money on holidays for herself and him care for the baby when she’s away.

Surely he gets about 6 weeks annual leave ?
You have only mentioned 2 separate weeks holiday, plus the wedding over New Year - but Boxing Day and NYD are bank holidays ? so wouldn't come out of annual leave allowance / be working anyway ?

So should have 3 weeks annual leave left for holidays with you

Sounds like normal things you would want to go to, a family thing and a friends wedding.

You made the choice to move 13 hours away so its inevitable you will be travelling back and forth like this if you want to see family/attend family/friend events and occasions. And you state you have always done this in the past.

The problem seems to have arisen now you have a young child and have realised that travelling back and forth like that is now not as easy as to do as it once was. Events not suitable for a child or because of the expense. So someone has to miss out, one of you goes alone, and the other one has to stay home.

So if it was a family thing for YOUR family or a friend of YOURS getting married would things be different? Could you/would you go alone and leave DC with DH? Or just not go at all?

I personally don't think its unreasonable for him to want to go to family events or friends weddings. The problem is that, because of your change in family dynamics, you can't now both go.

I guess these are the problems and issues you have when you have children and the compromises you have to make on occasion. It just appears at the moment, you are the one missing out and having to stay home.

However I don't agree with your Mum saying about underestimating how hard it will be on your own with a 15 month old. Plenty of women cope with little ones that young by themselves, and its not for weeks on end, its just for a few days. So that won't be too hard, or too much of an issue.

I think you need to sit and talk about this and tell your DH that, while you support him going to family events and friends weddings etc, that there needs to be some give and take and that its not fair of him to use all his annual leave going away without you. And just ask him, when are you supposed to take holidays together? You need to be a team and on the same page with this. From now on he picks and chooses the things he goes to but doesn't take the piss and he makes sure he still has time for his own family. And also you need to make sure you get some breaks too and time out to also attend family events and see friends.

NYE is a couple occasion to me so to be honest I’d be extremely hurt over this.

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon we don't live in the UK, our leave is far less generous.

Depending on how close the friend is and as long as this won't be a pattern going forward, I would tend to let this one slide and make up for it in future with a great family holiday.