DH to go on 3rd holiday this year at NYE

[BrummieGinge889]

A tough one, I'd welcome some thoughts. We live abroad, a 13 hour flight from the UK, our choice and so far we have always done lots of traveling back and forth. I have an almost 7 month old son and work full time. DH is currently on holiday, fine, it's a week away planned a long time ago, I have no issue with it. I've just gone back to work from mat leave so I couldn't take the time off.

He's going again in August for a family thing which means another week away. Also fine, no problem with that, the event is not suitable for a 1 year old to tag along.

His friend is getting married on NYE which would mean I would be alone from Boxing Day until 3 Jan, even if DH only goes for a few days (2 days there, 2 days back of travelling). I can't go. The price of the tickets plus hotels for all 3 of us is ridiculous plus our son will be 15 months and he would probably be a nightmare on such a long flight. Not fair on him or anyone really. Childfree wedding anyway.

I had initially said probably fine but was chatting to my mum just now who is saying that's really not ok. He won't have enough leave for a family holiday this year because of these trips which means I will probably not get one as, let's face it, who wants to take a 1 year old on holiday by themselves, I'd rather stay home where I have childcare help and baby has a nice routine.

I will probably go on a weekend away in November with a friend but that's not comparable, is it? And i have no interest in holidaying alone just for the sake of it, I did enough of that when younger.

My mum says I'm underestimating how hard work baby will be at 15 months and how much I'll resent being completely alone with a toddler for the holidays. She thinks it's a recipe for resentment down the line and she said she's seeing him in a whole new light right now for even suggesting it.

It's too expensive for family to visit us then, they will come later in March actually.

I just don't know how I feel about it. If I say no, DH will stay but he will be gutted. But I also don't want to be a martyr and resent it.

I think it needs pointing out that this year's travelling from his pov should be counted as a one off for the next few years, it does read like he is taking the piss and very much like the cliche of nothing changing much for the father whilst mum's reality is completely flipped upside down.

It's not fair op, he needs to acknowledge it and start thinking like a family member not a single fancy free singleton.
He has a child and a wife, he has responsibilities towards you two first.

Once our Dc was in school we had to cover school hols between us so in addition to any family holiday any other trips or leave had to be done with one of us taking Dc / staying at home with Dc.

There just wasn’t the capacity for solo child free holidays.

It sounds as if he hasn’t quite cottoned on to the practicalities of life as a parent.

How much annual leave would he have left if he went back to the UK for NYE?

He does not need to attend a friend' s wedding.
Presumably he said

"Wow this invite is for nye it s way too far to go for couple days super expensive and I don't want to leave you and dc. Best I make it up to friend another time"

If it bothers you that is what matters not what your mum thinks. I probably wouldn't mind and would also happily take child on holiday by myself. Is this just an unfortunate set of things happening at once or does he think he will be able to continue going home so often? If it is going to become a pattern then I think it needs a discussion but if this is a one off that you don't mind then don't let your mum make it into something more

It's ok to have no problem with him taking the 1st two trips. However it is also true that he isn't prioritising family time.

@IberianBlackout yeah same, I think I just said fine as I didn't think it through and I didn't want to be the bad guy saying no...but now the more I think about it, I'm not happy about it. Boxing Day - 3 Jan alone is shit.

I think 3 solo holidays in such a short time, leaving you alone to care for the children, when there is not enough money or time for you to have any sort of holiday isn’t ok. Perhaps there are special circumstances - emergency travel back to see a relative, a very close family or friend wedding. But overall it is unfair to you and unbalanced.

This, he's massively taking the piss.
He should WANT to holiday with his wife and child.

Where do you live where 2 weeks and a few days over NYE uses up all your leave?! I’m in the US, which is (unfairly) notorious for its limited annual leave, and I take 25-30 days off per year, as does every professional I know.

I think this is a difficult one. A wedding is an important event and you were invited. I'm not sure how I'd feel being alone at that time though. I think if you decide to let these plans stand then you need to be clear with DH that this is a one off. Maybe have a chat about how to maximise the time you have together at Xmas and how you might manage a short family trip away. It may be that he hasn't thought it through himself. Whilst you don't want to travel for a holiday solo you could look at some short trips doing things you enjoy.

I think a conversation starting with "If you use up all your holiday entitlement, when will WE be able to holiday together?" should be started. ASAP.

Another twat who should have remained child free

How close a friend is it?

The price of the tickets plus hotels for all 3 of us is ridiculous plus our son will be 15 months and he would probably be a nightmare on such a long flight. Not fair on him or anyone really

Surely hotels will not be much different? Lots of chain hotels charge the same whatever the room. And if you all went you could share the parenting on the flight. Child free wedding is annoying but would any family members be able to have your son that day? Maybe his grandparents would like the chance since he's usually so far away?

My point with all this is: I think either you all go and make it a family trip, spending more money but to make it worthwhile, or your husband declines the invitation. He's had other trips already this year and people must understand that when you're so far away you can't exactly pop back every couple of months.

Harsh but kinda fair. I have toddler twins and as yet neither of us have had a solo holiday yet. But we will both be doing later this year. 3 at this stage is excessive and unfair. The timing of the wedding is also not something l would be happy with, him going off living it up and you stuck at home during the festive period / New Year naaah.

When you have children then you need realise you can't always do what you want and you will miss out on things. But that's the way it goes
-lm obviously directing this at him and not you

To be clear, he's a very hands on dad, shares all the night wakings and does his share of cooking and cleaning etc. He's a fabulous dad, which is partly why I genuinely did not have any issues with trips 1 and 2.

On reflection I would be disappointed to be on my own for NYE so I will tell him that, we'll sort it. I just hadn't really given it any thought (I'm not sure he has either) and also I didn't want to chat to anyone in real life and involve a friend or relative into our relationship. This thread has been helpful, thank you.

And yes, we do need to find a way forward with living so far away.

How far away is this wedding?

If he really must go I think he should look at how to be away for less time, even if it's less fun/more tiring and misses some events.

I'm quite happy for my husband to have his own life and do his own thing, same as I do.

However, it is never at the cost of our time and holidays together. And I'd be really very bothered by being left alone for pretty much the entirety of the christmas period.

Is it his lifelong best friend who he's super close to, because if so I'd make an exception. Otherwise, not a hope of it.

If it’s a wedding then it’s a one off so wouldn’t be an issue for me but he wouldn’t be repeating the 3 holiday thing every year.

You haven’t said what the family thing is but the wedding is definitely a one-off so I wouldn’t consider that a holiday as such and I presume he didn’t know that was happening when he arranged the other stuff. So I’d probably be ok about him going on the condition that family stuff was definitely prioritised next year. Also unless you’re very remote with no direct or daily flights then as a solo adult who can sleep on the plane I don’t get why he needs to be away boxing day to Jan 3rd to attend a wedding which is presumably 1 day? Arrive the day before, leave the day afterwards and it should be a 3 night trip even taking into account a night flight. Or am I missing something?

It sounds like he is struggling to adjust to the reality of both being far from friends and family and being a new dad and what that means in terms of lifestyle shift, eg holidays.

It sounds like he is being thoughtless rather than anything else - DH was the same and it took a year or so for him to realise that holidays/ weekends away etc etc really wasn't BAU for him and we had to balance that out with our new family unit. And he was a pretty hands on father.

Sounds like you have adjusted your expectations of how much you can return home now you have a baby but your DH hasn't. Time to have that conversation, no he cannot go back at NYE leaving you alone with the baby and not having enough leave for family time. Time for his expectations to adjust too.

This is the first "proper" Christmas period with your baby, last year they were too tiny. It's crappy of your DH to even consider missing most of it. In your shoes we'd be spending Twixmas and New Year as a family.