Would a fourth baby be a bad idea?

[Stick0rTwist]

I would like to hear from mums of 3+, in particular those with two of one gender first and then the third with another gender.

I have three beautiful children, two boys 8&7 and then a little girl who is turning 2 in August. I so thought I was done with babies…. My third was a massive surprise, think 18 weeks pregnant & just started a new job kind of suprise 😳 But what’s been an even bigger surprise is how much I’ve absolutely loved having 3 and how I can’t stop thinking of another 😬

Since my boys were small all I’ve seen is them grow and play together and have the best fun, they are honestly the best of friends despite their wildly different personalities. I look at my daughter and just think what she’s going to miss out on so much compared to them and I wish she could have a younger brother or sister to play with.

So my question is, mums of 3 with older children of the same set up, do you regret not having a fourth? Or have they ‘mixed’ better as they’ve got older and the gaps/gender differences not mattered?

Any mums of 4 who found it brought balance to the household? Or was it the tipping point into chaos?

My husband doesn’t mind either way so he doesn’t need too much convincing and we can afford another mouth to feed. I think if I’d have had three kids of the same gender & close together I wouldn’t be thinking of a fourth 🤷🏼‍♀️

YABU - you’re mad to even think of it
YANBU - go for it

I’ve got 5… I love having a big family, although it is expensive. I’ve got a mix of genders and there’s 11 years between eldest and youngest.
They all get along well, no big dramas. We extended our house so they all have their own rooms, which I think helps as they can all have personal space when they choose.
I personally never expect older ones to look after younger ones, although I found once my eldest got to 16 she’d offer to babysit because she didn’t like a babysitter in the house.

Could you cope if number 4 turned out to be twins? This happen to my friend who tried for number 3.

By the time your new kid be 2, your third will be 5. That's somehow big age gap, especially as 2 years old don't interact with other kids much yet. By time they would be 3 or 4, your third will be 6 and 7 and have their own interest. If your only wish is for them to play together, then it's bad idea.

I definitely wouldn’t have a fourth child out of some idea of giving the third ‘someone to play with’, any more than I’d have a second child purely to avoid my first being an only child. Never have a child for the sake of an existing child.

My DH is the eldest of 4. It's a running joke how much the youngest was ignored. And it absolutely tipped the house into chaos and the two eldest resent how much babysitting they had to do. They all get along really well as adults but while they were growing up not so much. The third also turned out to have some behavioural problems when he was 9/10 (adhd) and it meant the other 3 had even less attention.

My DH has absolutely vetoed a 3rd child. And his other siblings have all stuck to one, we're the only ones considering a second.

My in laws are lovely BTW and very loving parents. There just wasn't enough of them for all 4 kids.

Totally agree with the sentiments above. It doesn't sound like you want a child given you wouldn't be considering it if they were all closer in age, so I wouldn't have one. It's already going to be a decent age gap between your youngest and the potential fourth.

Biggest questions to ask:

Would a fourth child affect the children you have negatively (sharing rooms, less time, able to do fewer activities due to less money etc)?
Is your employment secure?
Would you need a new car?
Do you have enough space?
What is your health like?
Your older 2 are approaching the 'fun age' where you can start doing better things on holidays, days out etc. Do you really want to be going back to the baby stage and holding them back?

Not a mum, but i was the surprise third baby, a girl after two boys. my brothers are two years apart and i was eight years later

Just to say, i don't i missed out on anything at all!!

A fourth baby just for family dynamics is a bad idea. If you really want a fourth and have the necessary time/energy/funds then go for it.

A 3 year age gap isn’t big at all?

Three years is a really common age gap. It’s what the majority of my friends have purposefully gone for. We have three years (planned for this gap) and it’s pretty perfect, they are 6 and about to turn 3 and play together all the time!

Agreed, in what universe is 3 years a big gap?! There will be 4 between mine and I consider that medium. Sorry, I'm missing the point but that other comment irked me!

I have 5 too. 15 years between my eldest and youngest. My eldest was an only child till she was 8. Then i had two boys two years apart then my youngest two are two and newborn. The two boys are very close like each others shadows they are always together. We'll see if toddler and baby get one when older. Teen dosent have much to do with the others which I expected as such a big age gap.
I would do it but I love having a big family.

Following! I hear you, OP, difficult to want to roll the dice again - but I do. 😊

I have 4 - 5 years between eldest and youngest - all adults now and still very close and supportive of each other

How did it work practically/ feel when they were little? I am currently 12w with surprise no4 and will have 4 under 6 when the baby is born. Everyone else seems to have huge gaps which seems more manageable.

My brother had 2 boys close in age, then a gap, then a girl. They loved their little sister and Now they’re older the 3 are really close.

It's not as an adult, or even late teens. But it is for primary school aged children. They are world's apart in terms of interests and physical ability.

How old are you?

I appreciate it’s not your fault, but people who start new jobs and immediately get pregnant are kinda frowned upon. I would either keep baby or leave job.

personally I would be having a termination in your situation. The above reason isn’t the only one why.

I’ve got 5. It’s fab. We were originally going to stop at 3 but I’m so glad we didn’t.

I wouldn't bother having a 4th, your DD will be at least 3 by the time it's born, too big a gap for the other to really play with for a while.

Enjoy the babies you have.

My parents had kids with similar age gaps to yours if you had a 4th - the 3rd resented the 4th and spent a lot of their time trying to get rid of them. This rivalry lasted well into their teens. They like each other now but my parents had a very tricky time.

Did you even read the post properly? OP already had her third baby (she was 18 weeks pregnant when she started her new job) and her question wasn't about whether she should have an abortion or quit her job. Pretty rude to wade in and offer an opinion that wasn't solicited.

Replied to wrong post will ask MN to delete

I have four but wouldn’t do so again. All planned, all very loved and all marvellous but it is so hard. Seven years between oldest and youngest, I work full time, DH is away all week with work, and I regularly skirt around burnout/exhaustion. I never feel I’m giving any of them or work or friends or myself enough time or attention. If you don’t want to work/want to ‘only’ be a mum, then it’s doable. If you want other things in your life then I’d stick at three.