Would a fourth baby be a bad idea?

[Stick0rTwist]

I would like to hear from mums of 3+, in particular those with two of one gender first and then the third with another gender.

I have three beautiful children, two boys 8&7 and then a little girl who is turning 2 in August. I so thought I was done with babies…. My third was a massive surprise, think 18 weeks pregnant & just started a new job kind of suprise 😳 But what’s been an even bigger surprise is how much I’ve absolutely loved having 3 and how I can’t stop thinking of another 😬

Since my boys were small all I’ve seen is them grow and play together and have the best fun, they are honestly the best of friends despite their wildly different personalities. I look at my daughter and just think what she’s going to miss out on so much compared to them and I wish she could have a younger brother or sister to play with.

So my question is, mums of 3 with older children of the same set up, do you regret not having a fourth? Or have they ‘mixed’ better as they’ve got older and the gaps/gender differences not mattered?

Any mums of 4 who found it brought balance to the household? Or was it the tipping point into chaos?

My husband doesn’t mind either way so he doesn’t need too much convincing and we can afford another mouth to feed. I think if I’d have had three kids of the same gender & close together I wouldn’t be thinking of a fourth 🤷🏼‍♀️

YABU - you’re mad to even think of it
YANBU - go for it

I love having 4. Yes, there's a set of triplets in there and their older sibling was 6 when they were born. They're really close as adults. The younger 3 live very close to reach other and see each other almost every day. They speak with their elder sibling several times a week.

Yes, it was very busy, and I didn't work until they went to school. I wouldn't change a thing. It's been and still is lovely, and they all got the attention they needed.

“Your older 2 are approaching the 'fun age' where you can start doing better things on holidays, days out etc. Do you really want to be going back to the baby stage and holding them back?”

Absolutely this! Really not fair on your older ones to have to spend holidays/ weekends doing more baby/toddler-centric things or missing out on activities that aren’t suitable for younger ones to go along to. You’d be missing out on those absolutely brilliant older primary/tween years with them, too.

A friend of mine is the third child, parents decided to have another so they would have a playmate. They didn’t get on and for many years no 4 refused to speak to no 3. Also as pp mentioned be careful what you wish for because you could end up with more than you bargained for and have twins - I know at least 3 families this has happened to.

I think you have to remember that there's a noisy cohort on MN who are ideologically opposed to larger families and will overstate the hurdles rather than state their prejudice honestly.

They get more expensive as they get older - especially when it comes to University, so bear that in mind regarding costs. Personally I'd be happy with 3 happy and healthy children, and focus on giving them as good a life as possible.

From experience of having more I have concluded the optimum number of children is two. I don't think having more children would improve the situation.

I agree. We are a high income household, and really stretched with three teens. Granted, we like one luxury holiday a year, they each do an expensive hobby, and one is away at university. But I want them to have those things.

I have no idea how people afford 4 teenagers. You are basically supporting 6 adults.

I would have loved 4 babies, but very glad we didn’t. Not just because of the finances, but the logistics of 3, and meeting all their needs, especially emotional

You really have no idea? You can't think of one of the things you have written that could be changed to support 4?

Thank you for this post, I think it really highlights what impact another baby could have and things to consider:

• Yes they’d have to share rooms
• employment is relatively secure but a fourth child would further impact my time availability to work my current 4/5 days a week
• wouldn’t need a new car as it’s a 7 seater but it would be a bit of a nuisance loading the older two in the very back each time we get in. Would probably need to change to a van
• probably not got enough space by modern standards, especially as they get older and bigger
• health is good and pregnancies were relatively easy, but what if this changed?
• I personally would struggle if the baby had additional needs with having three other young children to care for. I’m sure I’d cope somehow but would it impact the family, yes I’m sure it would.

I agree, going back again to the baby stage isn’t fair on my older two as it will limit their holidays and days out with a baby.
I’m 34 & always said I’ll be done with babies by 35 so uni costs etc will all be done by mid/late 50’s.

My problem is I’ve always admired large families and I’m one of these women who is permanently broody 😅 as much as I’ve enjoyed it my third has been hard work as a baby, even she hasn’t managed to put me off biologically.

I think I’ll be sticking at three 🥲

I am one of four (I have three brothers), my mother was never that maternal but my father always made time for all four of us and my two brothers are my best mates, the other brother is an arse but we have been NC with him for many years.

Yes we shared rooms, my parents had less money and I was the only girl, yet I still had a glorious childhood.

I only have one dc due to circumstances, I would have loved more.

@butteredradish4 No. But I also said I wouldn’t be prepared to change any

This isn’t really logical though. Someone could say the same about their only child with expensive hobbies!

Obviously everyone has to weigh up what’s important to them.

I always loved the idea of large families but not the reality. In my head I am a chilled mum but in reality I like structure and think it’s important for children. Eg we leave events or go solo so the other could put our children to bed. Whereas my cousin has 4 children and brings them to events eg weddings, they fend for themselves a bit more and sleep wherever they are eg in the pram/under a table/on a bench.

nothing wrong with either, but I think if the thought of a slightly more chaotic/free childhood doesn’t sit well with you then stop at three, logistically your children have to fend for themselves more with 4 unless you give up work or get a nanny

You clearly are not very good at assimilating information. OP didn't start a new job and then get pregnant. She was 18weeks pregnant when she started the new job but didn't know it. She doesn't want advice about whether to abort her non existent baby. As for your claim that you replied to the wrong post, I think that's a figment of your imagination.

That sounds very sensible OP. Good for you for weighing it all up and not being selfish!

None of the reasons you have given are valid reasons for having another baby. You don't have a child to provide a playmate for another child or balance your family. Bear in mind that you might take some time to conceive so the age gap might turn out to be larger than 3 years. Other possible scenarios are that your daughter might not like the new baby. They might not want to interact at all. There could be a huge personality clash. I also get the impression you are assuming the new baby would be another girl. And I also suspect your 2 year old is already treated as something special and given a lot of attention because of the divide you perceive exists between her and her brothers. She really might not like or welcome a baby at all. It's totally unreasonable of you to expect then to be best friends. If you think you can weather all those possibilities, have a baby. But have it because you want another child and not a companion for your daughter.

Think about the future too OP, you might be able to afford them now but what about when they're all going through uni?

Children are only in the "playing together" stage for a very short time when you think about it. Babies just need food, cuddles and some mild entertaining which a close in age sibling isn't needed for. Then you have maybe age 3-9 when they might, play together, like the sane things etc. My children are DD 11, DSsoon to be 10, and DD7. It was convenient when they all liked playgrounds etc. But the oldest is over playgrounds now and my youngest still wants to go. So they don't do all that much together. Teenage kids place more importance on their friends than siblings, imo.
I've 2 brothers. Once we got out of our teens I get on much better with my oldest brother although there's a 7 year gap. We have similar interests etc.
There's more to siblings than playing for a few years.
So you'd be having a fourth child as a possible playmate for your DD for about 4 years. (By time baby is conceived, born, and playing it would be 2-3 years). This seems unfair on the baby.

I have four children, two boys who are now 26 and 23, then a girl who is 20. Number four also a girl is 16 and was a surprise baby. My boys are very close and so are my girls. It's a bit like I had two families number 4 was only 8 when her brother left home etc. It has worked really well for us we re a close family and I don't think anyone missed out. Two have gone to Uni and number 4 plans to also. That is a huge financial burden and has stopped DH retiring early which had always been his goal as his Dad died a year after retiring. We 'd also like to move house and have had to put that off because of needing the location for school etc. I have no regrets but it has been a long time of active parenting.

I think the point was more that it isn’t massively smaller than the gap she already has with the 7 year old sibling.

It’s not as though this little girl doesn’t already have siblings, so the “close in age” rationale is thrown into centre stage as the decider, which is why I think people were saying well it won’t be ALL that close, ie; it won’t recreate the one year gap between her 7 and 8 year old.

FWIW op, I think you are fortunate your older two get on. Often a close age gap is rivalry territory - esp around the two year mark.

Girls tend to mature faster so by the time you’ve conceived and incubated another, and especially if it’s a boy, she may in any case gravitate to the 7 year old sibling she currently has.

I would not want 4 kids....

My 4th has profound special needs which we never expected. We love her but it's so hard...

Looking back now, it was really lovely, tiring but seeing them all grow up together and going to primary school together worked. Logistically it worked for me as they went to nursery and primary school where I work so we didn't have to do drop offs everywhere.

We are into the teenage years now and they aren't bad at all. They do everything together still, have circles of friends that they can all interact with. And they are independent, have each other and I am 36 now so lots of time for myself!

I replied to the wrong thread have said this 5 times now

I'm a 4th child - I didnt have the best relationship with my 3rd of 4 siblings, and now are completely NC