Would a fourth baby be a bad idea?

[Stick0rTwist]

I would like to hear from mums of 3+, in particular those with two of one gender first and then the third with another gender.

I have three beautiful children, two boys 8&7 and then a little girl who is turning 2 in August. I so thought I was done with babies…. My third was a massive surprise, think 18 weeks pregnant & just started a new job kind of suprise 😳 But what’s been an even bigger surprise is how much I’ve absolutely loved having 3 and how I can’t stop thinking of another 😬

Since my boys were small all I’ve seen is them grow and play together and have the best fun, they are honestly the best of friends despite their wildly different personalities. I look at my daughter and just think what she’s going to miss out on so much compared to them and I wish she could have a younger brother or sister to play with.

So my question is, mums of 3 with older children of the same set up, do you regret not having a fourth? Or have they ‘mixed’ better as they’ve got older and the gaps/gender differences not mattered?

Any mums of 4 who found it brought balance to the household? Or was it the tipping point into chaos?

My husband doesn’t mind either way so he doesn’t need too much convincing and we can afford another mouth to feed. I think if I’d have had three kids of the same gender & close together I wouldn’t be thinking of a fourth 🤷🏼‍♀️

YABU - you’re mad to even think of it
YANBU - go for it

Not me but my friend was the third girl, 7 years after 2 boys who were 2 years apart. The three are all very close - she is equally close to each brother as they are to each other. She ended up living near one of the brothers and marrying one of his friends! So the two couples and their kids are very close. She shares a hobby with the other brother so they meet up a few times a year to do that together, without spouses and kids.

I think the only time she was a bit lonely is when both brothers were at uni and she was still at home alone. But she was very close to her parents and went to stay with her brothers and they took her on mini breaks etc, which made her feel very grown up as a young teen!

I have 3 children now all in 20's. The oldest two are girls, just 20 months apart, and they are best friends. Of course they both have other friends too, but they are extremely close, and support eachother in so many ways. My son is 4 years younger (almost exactly!) than DD2, and was never really close to either sister growing up, and not particularly close now. They do get on well when together, but not close. I really wish I'd had a 4th child. I always wanted four, but lost my third pregnancy, and at the time, just felt I was pushing my luck after having 3 healthy babies. Hence I stayed with 3, but regretted that by the time DS was about 5 or 6 years old.

I never think it's a good idea to have a child when the main reason is to give an existing child a sibling. I think 3+ children also takes a lot away from them as individuals – time, money, resources. All your kids are still young – they won't benefit from another baby.

It's an individual opinion obviously. But for those reason, I'd vote no.

I really wanted a 4th when my youngest was 4, then I realised I couldn’t keep having babies when the youngest started school so I got a kitten instead.

Absolutely love having four. Love the chaos, tender moments and love - not so much the laundry, bickering and rushing.
I don’t regret four at all, wouldn’t have it any other way. However, three is easier.

How old are you? How old will you be by the time no 4 finishes uni? When do you plan to retire? We are currently paying 6000 a year for uni accommodation. I know not everyone goes but it is worth considering. Also you'll need a bigger car! Think it through carefully. Just because your first 2 children get on doesn't mean the next 2 definitely will.

Don't worry too much about the age gaps now - mine are adults and get along very well even the ones with age gaps of ten years or more. They don't live close to one other so meeting means overnight stays. The older ones have families and the younger DC's have lots of energy to play with nieces and nephews

I couldn’t agree more, I have 12 years between my eldest and youngest and they get on so well. They are in their 20’s and 30’s now.

I have 3 and always thought I’d have a 4th when we went for number 3. I love having babies and super sentimental about every milestone and making the most of their childhoods. But I’m so busy with 3 and once I had a 3rd I found I had less of me left and less to give each child. I love our busy family and although I wistfully think about a 4th I know that for everyone in our family 3 is the right number for us. I have two closer together and a younger one and the third is the one that unites everyone and has extended the older ones childhoods. But I do feel I’m stretched more thinly for everyone and I wouldn’t want it to be stretched further. I totally get your position though and everyone has a different tipping point!

It all just works out in the end :) I had four children under 3, no twins. They are 10,11,13, 13 now. They are all interested in the same things, days out are great as they are all at a similar stage of life. Manic when they were small but in the best way!

I left the job and went self employed so it was a blessing in disguise.

Anyway, what an awful thing to flippantly suggest - recommending I ‘abort’ my alive and here daughter (I appreciate you misread) at 18 weeks pregnant, for a new job?! Is a human life really worth less to you than pissing off a corporate employer?

Well, the 3 months between no. 4 being born, and no. 1 going to school were a bit challenging - having a double pushchair and being within walking distance of school helped. We did have 2 cars, and I got very good at counting up to 4! Basically everyone had to come with me everywhere. Actually it was a lot more challenging when they were all teenagers at once.

I loved having 4. 10 years between oldest and youngest. Boy, girl, girl then another boy. Number 4 was an accident!! Best accident ever. Actually wish I’d gone on to have a 5th. All adults now with children of their own. They all say ‘mum how did you manage 4!!’
TBH I don’t know. Just got on with it.

Replied to wrong post

I have 4, 2 boys & 2 girls. 3 Dc were planned, our fourth was a huge surprise (failed vasectomy). Mine are all close in age 4years between eldest to youngest (4 under 4). They are all close however argue and squabble a lot too. Dc4 has brought balance & they all splinter off for different activities & interests. Dc4 was a boy after two girls in the middle. It was/is hard work in some ways, expensive, but wouldn’t change it. They played rounders earlier in the garden & are now having a sleepover in the garden. Although I wouldn’t want that big a gap between 4dc, I was the fourth dc and my eldest brother was 11 years older we weren’t close & little in common.

I had three boys in three years (hence the username) then my fourth was a girl. I have a number more children now but won't say the exact number as it offends people who seem to think I'm single-handedly destroying the world. Have the fourth. Hell, have the fifth, sixth and seventh if you really want. I wouldn't say it brings balance but it is wonderful. And as for chaos, yes there's a fair bit of that but you will manage it in your own way.

@FcukTheDay I don't think my brain can comprehend that. You must have gotten pregnant within a couple of months of each child? That's some serious resilience to sleep deprivation.

Do you have a 5 bed house?

Fuck that my body and head would of been a mess with so many children close together.

Plus imagine the teenage years, no thank you!

I can imagine!! Older 2 will be at school, so it will only be school holidays that will be chaos! We need to think about cars…

I met someone whose number 4 turned out to be triplets.

I think what is right for everyone is different but we have 4 children altogether, my 2 step children full time and our 2 shared children. I've realised the last while that any time one of my step children is away (oldest has been on a few overnight schooltrips recently), 3 seems to be just the right number for me. When there is 4 it's really loud and can be chaotic and hard to juggle all the different needs as they are all different ages, when there's 3 of them the dynamic just seems right (for me).
However, saying that I am so glad that I had our number 4. She was unexpected and there is only 20 months between her and number 3 but my daughter would often be excluded and shut out by my stepsons, they would shut the door on her face and it broke my heart to see. They love her but they are just at a different stage and didn't want a baby/toddler around when they were playing, mucking up their stuff or impacting their games. Now she and her little sister are their own little unit. I know people will say you shouldn't have another child just so that one you already have has a sibling to play with but it's not just about having a playmate, it's a bond and someone who's always there to share life with and I think there's worse reasons to have another child.

So I don't think there's any right answer, it completely comes down to you and your family.

We have 4 and dh was 1 of four. Ours are. G g b g

Thry are in their twenties now are a close knit group who support eachnother and love each other dearly.

Growing up they tended to stick together the 2 oldest and the two youngest however these days the pairing is more often no 1 and 3 and no 2 and 4. Though 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 are still close and have a strong bond. Dd3 is loved dearly.by her oldest siblings and Id say is the centre of the attention even now at age 21.

Dh is close to his sister (older) not to older brother. Sadly his younger brother was killed age 19 so different dynamic.

I dont regret a 4th nor did I find her a lot of trouble slotting in. I never get the bigger car argument for a 4th as most I know get that bigger car for no 3 to accomedate 3 car seats.

I have 4. I’d have more but number 4 is disabled and requires all of my time and energy. Consider whether you could cope if similar happened to you-it was something I hadn’t even thought about.

I always say when you already have a decent sized healthy family - could you cope if it was twins? Could you cope if the child had additional needs?