I’m very very embarrassed that my child hits so be gentle

[Fastertimer]

She is 12 and year 7 being assessed for adhd/asd. We’ve alsways had problems, she can be the loveliest child ever, but sensory issues and certain behaviour issues raised flags for me but everyone said she would grow out of it. It wasn’t picked up in primary apart from one teacher. She’s very smart top set child, but has started to be a school avoider so problems with that now, she has friends, lots of friends but when assessing her the psychologist said he was going to consider asd based in another stuff and thinks she socially naive. I only asked for an adhd assessment. I didn’t think asd as she has many friends etc

yesteday I had to fill fill out a form for her and I made a mistake she took the pen and stabbed my arm, and elbowed my arm really arm and today it’s swelled up. She said stop being dramatic, I barely touched you!! then went off to her sleepover , we wouldn’t stop her she was start screaming and physically and mentally I couldn’t take her her meltdowns so she went to her friends house, and my two sons both asd were there and didn’t want to cause more of a scene so before anyone says why did you let her go I was in agony and my boys needed me and a calmer house.

this isn’t the first time she has hit me hard, she kicked me hard on the legs a few weeks ago for me saying she tans nicely but she turned on me in a rage and said I don’t tan I j burn!

my legs still ache and they were bruised. She has lashed out before. I’ve been having aches and pains for ages and even asked for blood test so I am being assessed, I’m now nearly 50 so no spring chicken here and my body isn’t what it used to be. Also I do a physical job so sometimes I’m more achey than normal so her elbowing me on the arm her lile hell but she made out it was hard.

a few months ago I ended up with heart palpitations in A&E she was texting me she loved me and the nicest she’s ever been.

im now Sat with an ice pack on my arm nearly 24 hrs later as it seemed to have swelled up. . She’s still at her friends and if I’m honest I love her so much but I’m at peace right now without waking on eggshells.

the school are threatening suspension, she doesn’t care, she calls me vile names and I’m so upset. I’ve gone so wrong yet I’ve tried everything. In her initial report it said something about PDA which explains a lot about a lot but I don’t know how to handle her anymore.
my 7 year old son also asd hugged me and and I’ll never hurt you mummy l, he’s seen his sister speak to me as well, she doesn’t hit her brothers. Winds them up yeah but never hurts them. I’m the only one, she did grab my mother by the neck once and my mum was shocked at her behaviour. She loves my daughter and has always treated her well and my daughter loves her. I’ve been spat at and just so many things, not everyday and we’ve had lovely times and although a challenging child she’s turned much much worse, her name calling me the most disgusting things and physically hitting me, she’s hit me before in primary. and she’s been wonderful when I was sick in bed once and making me tea and checking one me but she’s like Jekyll and Hyde. I don’t know if therapy would help? Anything because she’s oniy 12 now!! I can’t take years of this. I don’t know what to do?

This sounds really hard, I honestly don’t know what to suggest other than trying to get some support from agencies but I know how hard this can be. I hope you’re ok 💐

I’m glad you’ve reached out. 100% you and her need help.
She’s violent and dangerous. She’s assaulted you and your mother. The boys are vulnerable and at risk.
Please don’t minimize the harm she’s causing you when speaking to professionals.
The pen stab could be infected be alert to signs of infection and sepsis. Equally the arm could be broken, a GP appointment might be worthwhile for this alone.
Regarding your daughter it’s time to escalate the urgency of a referral to a psychiatrist asap. The situation will only become worse.

I am so sorry you are going through this OP . I wonder if you can get CAMHS involved through school and your GP surgery. Only your DD really doesn't sound happy and you need help . I hope things improve soon for you all .

capafirstresponse.org/calling-the-police/

I don't have any advice but it sounds like a horrible situation for you. When she is calm are you able to have a proper chat with her about the lashing out?

I know you want us to be kind so I will sugarcost this as much as possible, but if you are too tired and afraid to put in hard boundaries and consequences for her, she is not going to learn. Also your younger children will see her lashing out and learn to do it too. You need to dig deep op!

I think she would really benefit from medicating her ADHD and PDA which could really make a difference with the impulsiveness and violence. But that is going to take some time. TBH I'm wondering about dyspraxia as well if she genuinely thinks she's barely hurting you when she is actually doing it hard - on the other hand she might be downplaying afterwards due to guilt.

ASD/ADHD/PDA is really hard to handle OP because it means a lot of what works normally with kids really won't work with her. Having ASD doesn't mean she can't/won't have friends though, that is a very simplistic idea of ASD. I really think she could do with a lot of help, support and medication. I would also say read up as much as you can on all her potential conditions to help understand where she's coming from.

Try and hold on to the good bits OP, you're her safe person who she is letting everything out on. She really needs some professional help though as this is far too much for you to deal with alone.

This sounds a difficult situation, is it only you she hits? Or does she lash out at others?

however being afraid to say no to her due to her behaviour isn’t helping anyone at all. Especially since your younger children are terrified too.

You both need help. This is completely abnormal and sounds dangerous. I’m amazed she’s got to 12 without professional intervention. I’d think twice before letting her go on sleepovers as she sounds so volatile.

I hope you get the support you need.

These methods don't work with PDA. Please read up and get advice from experts on handling her behaviour OP. PDA is very anxiety driven and you really need to reduce that not increase it. It's really not easy to have a child with ADHD/ASD and PDA, you really need advice from people who know about it.

To just clarify she doesn’t lash out with anyone else ,so her sleepover is fine. She’s loud and hyper at their houses at times and the parents never says she is violent there. She isn’t violent with her brothers. She seems to aim for me and my mum the most. Tells her dad to shut up but not even with him.

i made a mistake on the form, I scrubbed it out ahd hit the roof over that! I can’t get my head around what she gets so angry about, earlier that day she was happy, she was chatty. She turns over anything.

I expect she really only lashes out at her mum because her mum is the only person she feels completely safe with. She's holding everything all day, trying to keep up with being popular and being highly academic and then it all comes out at her mum at home.

@Fastertimer sorry this is happening. I grew up with an ASD/ADHD brother who lashed out. You need to take a firm hand and not allow the ASD/ADHD to be an excuse for shit behaviour.

So if she doesn't lash out with other people she CAN control it then. It's a choice. If you let her go out on a sleepover after hurting you badly, what message have you sent her?

You’re dealing with a whole lot of additional needs among your kids OP. Seriously this is really such a lot. And you need to call in as much help as you can for yourself to help you manage this. You have to keep yourself strong and functional for you, but for everyone else too. I’m really sorry that you got physically hurt.

Start with the GP and ask for a referral to CAMHS for your daughter. Show them the photos of your injuries and do not minimise anything when you describe her when she is at her worst.

Of course she can be a lovely child, she absolutely is a lovely child, but she needs her home and school environment to be adapted to her own additional needs as far as possible and this isn’t always easily achieved. It is also very unlikely to happen in today’s broken SEND system without you making a massive fuss.

Make an appointment with your daughter’s school SEND team and let them know what has been happening at home. Apply for an EHCP yourself online from the local authority to help secure additional support for her. Read up on PDA and autism and ADHD in girls on social media, books and websites. Try what strategies you can, to see if they help. Look on the PDA society website for local groups in your area.

‘Loud and hyper’ is not ok at other people’s houses. She’s 12, too old for this behaviour. I’ll bet that makes for a difficult sleepover with hosts too nice to say much. I’d nip
sleepovers in the bud for now before her friends stop wanting her there.

She might find them really difficult too, hence the hyper behaviour.

Thanks ! We have tried everything that would normally work. It’s so so hard

You do not need to feel ashamed or embarrassed.

Push through for the assessment.

Are you in touch with CAMHS?

Have you spoken to the school about her behaviour?

I know it probably doesn’t help much but she lashes out at you because she feels so safe around you.
It is not necessarily you that she has a problem with, but you get the blame for it.

I know many kids with ASD or ADHD and they can absolutely mask and then lash out on their parents when they get home.
I am surprised that she’s able to mask at a sleepover but perhaps that’s because it’s something that she wants to do.

You need to be very honest about what she is doing to you.
You both need help.

At the very least, her dad should take more of an active role in parenting and when she starts getting upset you remove yourself from the situation and let him deal with it until she calms down.

It sounds like she does it to the people that she knows she can get away with doing it to. What is the consequence of her behaviour towards you?

What do you do when she does these things?

You obviously can’t stab or kick back, but… what’s your reaction?

This sounds so hard OP. I’m wondering how you respond when she’s violent to you? It’s difficult if she has PDA however you should not be expected to put up with being assaulted because she clearly can control it with others.

Have you looked into PDA parenting strategies?

TBH any response here not taking PDA into account is pointless to read!

Look up The PDA Society, they have some excellent resources. Also look at low arousal parenting - books by Ross Greene, Bo Elven on YouTube and others.

Join PDA groups on FB, there’s often less judgement as most of us have dealt with (or are dealing with) violence.

Learn how to take away demands and use negotiation.

My son was very violent, PDA strategies worked. It’s not easy, but it’s better than facing violence. It’s also not easy as parents of NT children can be very judgy that you’re parenting in a different way!

The fact she it’s only you or your mum that are her targets shows she can control her temper or she would be lashing out at everyone.

You need to speak to your GP to get extra support to ensure this behaviour is stopped, you shouldn’t be scared of your child.

In the case of PDA it’s likely to be a result of her feeling safest with OP. This is very common. Sadly with PDA consequences tend not to work.

As it is a disability it’s best to treat it as such and work out what she needs in order to not get to the point of lashing out.

Ok let's get real here

What do you do immediately after your child assaults you??