To not want to attend event with mother in law

[Mickey540]

Hi I’m really struggling with my feelings towards MIL. For context she has 6 grandchildren ours being youngest teenagers. My husband sister lives overseas and brother several hours from her and us we are closest.
MIL goes to her sons several hours away to see grandchildren older 16/18 3/4/5 times a year and always for their bdays. She has also been overseas twice in 12 months for other grandchildren in 20’s.
we live local she never visits, never asks to visit never asks to see kids and it’s really getting to me last time she came here Dec 22.
this is making me feel really resentful to her and my Dh is completely unwilling to address it with her feating she will not appreciate it.
it makes me so sad for our kids who only see my mom they are 14.
now she suddenly wants us to attend a church service well I do think she only wants DH as its for his late father. Surprisingly no one else gets asked as not local.
i am expected to go by my DH I cannot face her. AIBU do I go for my DH sake ????

I mean you can but I wouldn't. She CBA with you and your kids so why would you sacrifice time, which is precious, to go to a random church service?

She’s local. Have you never invited her over for Sunday lunch? For tea? I assume you go to her house?

I wouldn’t go. She has shown who she is. Why should you have to put yourself out for her?

@FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren thars exactly how I feel it’s like a service for his dad they do yearly but feeling bad for my Dh if I don’t go ☹️

Do you visit her?

@PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister yes constantly asked her makes excuses so will never come. Given up asking her since last time after about 5th refusal. My Dh visits her

As the service is for your DH father I would definitely go to support him, regardless of my feelings towards MIL.

do you never go and see her? What does your DH do in respect of communicating with her?

@ButterBites yes not seen her for a bit given her last of effort and it’s not my mother ☹️

@Pixiedust49 i know this is what think I need to do hard one z

@crumblingschools yrs he goes and we go over as well .

How often do you see her? When did FIL die? Do teenagers go and see her?

Does your DH want you to go? If yes, then you go. Focus on what he wants, not MIL

Typically a lovely woman is feeling guilty about not supporting her DH and will therefore suppress her feelings and attend an event. What is he doing for her? Calling out his mother? Why oh why do we do this and put ourselves last?

I’d go and announce to everyone that the last time she saw your children was 2022!

If her other children aren't going i assume the service isn't a really big deal.

Dh can go if he wants but i wouldn't be encouraging the kids to go nor would I.

I agree with this^^

My pils are OK, but also never put in a lot of effort, so I match their energy. Weirdly, we actually get on better since I stopped trying. Some people are strange like that I suppose

How long since your DH lost his dad? Do he and MIL attend church regularly?
Will your DH need support - will he struggle with the service if you are not there?

When faced with similar requests from MIL , I generally discussed with DH. If he wanted me there, I slapped on a smile and went. But it was always to support him, not to make up numbers.

So you are not unreasonable to say no, but talk yo DH first.

I would go, not for her but to support your DH.

Sorry I wasn’t trying to get at whether you make enough of an effort.

I just wondered whether she actually sees you guys at all and is your annoyance that you all go to her and she rarely visits, or you don’t see each other at all.

Two separate issues for me:

Of course I would support my DH at a service to commemorate his father if he wanted me to be there (I’d expect him to want me there) And of course the children should go too.

She hasn’t come to visit you since December 2022, but you do go to see her sometimes. This is odd, but it’s not the end of the world is it? She clearly just doesn’t like you very much, or not enough to visit, or there is something about your house that she doesn’t like. You don’t seem to like her all that much, so it is a big problem?

I wouldn't use your late Father-in-law's service to make your point, that's putting your feelings for your MIL before your DH who should be supported at this event and is more important than that.

As for your MIL, do your DH's siblings invite your MIL and you don't? You don't mention that you invite her and she turns you down, it could be read that you're waiting for her to show interest when are you/your DH making the effort?

Doesn't your DH care that his mum doesn't give a shit about his kids?

OP has mentioned that she invites her MIL and is turned down:

'yes constantly asked her makes excuses so will never come. Given up asking her since last time after about 5th refusal. My Dh visits her'

It looks like your MIL has chosen to go low contact with you for whatever reason.

Can your DH take the children with him when he visits her?