To not want to attend event with mother in law

[Mickey540]

Hi I’m really struggling with my feelings towards MIL. For context she has 6 grandchildren ours being youngest teenagers. My husband sister lives overseas and brother several hours from her and us we are closest.
MIL goes to her sons several hours away to see grandchildren older 16/18 3/4/5 times a year and always for their bdays. She has also been overseas twice in 12 months for other grandchildren in 20’s.
we live local she never visits, never asks to visit never asks to see kids and it’s really getting to me last time she came here Dec 22.
this is making me feel really resentful to her and my Dh is completely unwilling to address it with her feating she will not appreciate it.
it makes me so sad for our kids who only see my mom they are 14.
now she suddenly wants us to attend a church service well I do think she only wants DH as its for his late father. Surprisingly no one else gets asked as not local.
i am expected to go by my DH I cannot face her. AIBU do I go for my DH sake ????

@thepariscrimefiles exactly that is what is upsetting me as much as anything his lack of understanding or willingness to ask her what issue is he is so frustrating 😭

@ButterBites yes we do see her but I have been less reluctant as time goes by and still no question as to even how our kids are 😭

@LindorDoubleChoc hi yes I think this makes me wonder the reason for low contact as no one done anything or said anything been getting worse last couple of years . But yes he can does take kids to her house.

If your FIL death isn’t recent, ie past year or so, I wouldnt be going to church.

I wouldn’t go but then I was NC with my in-laws for well over 20 yrs so I’m probably not the best judge . I also wouldn’t worry about your kids relationship with her , it’s her loss not theirs . My kids stopped going to visit when they were old enough to choose ( 7/8 ish) and only see MIL now as adults if they bump into her at ours - our eldest who lives away hasn’t seen her / spoken to her for about 4 yrs although he does send gifts at Christmas . They both had a lovely relationship with my late mum .

Your dh can go. Your kids know your mum with is great. Don’t waste your time thinking about your MIL who has decided not to visit. When she asks for help later you can remind her to rely on the family that she has prioritised.

If your DH has asked you to go to support him then YABU, if you are expected to do so to please your MIL or at her request then YANBU.

Did you or the children have a relationship with your FIL? You of course may go for your own reasons. I would go if it was my late FIL, as I was very fond of him.

What is your relationship with her?

My MIL can be very annoying but I always make sure she’s invited over when my step children are here. Even if it’s just got a coffee and a visit.

Try reaching out to her and inviting her to events with your children.

@Pherian we have asked so many times always says no but have asked her again for their birthday so remains to be seen if she comes . I wouldn’t be surprised if has an excuse we will see.

@Suedelfinoofwisterialane i do feel this way x

@declutteringmymind no my Dh doesn’t expect and nor does she but we usually go as family we did last year. So feel bad either way if do or don’t go ☹️

@ButterCrackers yes had exact same thoughts when she needs the help always expects us to go running not everyone else al so annoying and frustrating 😭

It's dh's dad. Go and support him.

@MoreChocPls good point and yes it’s been several years now x

Then DH can take the kids perhaps?

I wouldn't go.
I would stop invites.
I wouldn't put myself out to visit her.
Focus on your mother.
Leave it completely up to your children if they visit or not.
If she needs help, tell your husband it is on him to sort out with his siblings.
Nothing to do with you.
End of subject.

Does your husband know or have an inkling why she’s low contact?

@user1492809438 no he is doing nothing and has told me again he will not be asking his mom the problem 😬

@Evilspiritgin i just asked this he said no clue unless it’s because it’s because different religion to rest of family even though she os only religious one and she has only been like this last couple of years so no clue really

I don’t see that it’s hard. You don’t like her, but surely it’s not that difficult to stand near her for the duration of a church service? And as you don’t like her, surely there’s a bright side to not seeing much of her in general? My 13 year old couldn’t be less interested in any of his grandparents, mostly, though he’s also fond of them.

@Coffeemat yes exactly been along these lines for past 12 months which is how I feel really

In that case then you’re right not to bother with her any further. That’s incredibly heartless of her to neglect her grandkids.

Obviously she visits the overseas grandchildren as it's probably cheaper for her to travel to them than the other way around!
How often do you go and visit her as you're so close? How often do you actually invite her to yours? It's seen on Mumsnet as incredibly rude for a MIL to invite themselves to their Daughter-in-Laws house or to even still expect a relationship with her son and his children United it's speciffically requested by the daughter-in-law so it seems to me she's following the correct protocol!

Does your husband want to attend himself as in, because it’s about his late father does it mean something to him? If so then I’d go for your husband. However I would be having serious chat with hubby and telling him it’s his mum and you’d like him to address the issues with her himself however if he isn’t prepared to then you will yourself but would like his support xx

I wouldn’t go if your dh does it’s up to him, the kids wouldn’t be going either

I would leave it with your dh as regards contact, the only person losing out is her, your kids will be better of with out her