To not want to attend event with mother in law

[Mickey540]

Hi I’m really struggling with my feelings towards MIL. For context she has 6 grandchildren ours being youngest teenagers. My husband sister lives overseas and brother several hours from her and us we are closest.
MIL goes to her sons several hours away to see grandchildren older 16/18 3/4/5 times a year and always for their bdays. She has also been overseas twice in 12 months for other grandchildren in 20’s.
we live local she never visits, never asks to visit never asks to see kids and it’s really getting to me last time she came here Dec 22.
this is making me feel really resentful to her and my Dh is completely unwilling to address it with her feating she will not appreciate it.
it makes me so sad for our kids who only see my mom they are 14.
now she suddenly wants us to attend a church service well I do think she only wants DH as its for his late father. Surprisingly no one else gets asked as not local.
i am expected to go by my DH I cannot face her. AIBU do I go for my DH sake ????

Apologies if you have answered this but I do not see it. How long ago did FIL diie? This makes a difference to the advice you will receive.

sorry, now I have seen it. Several years…
In this case I would probably would not go, and definitely wouldn’t go if she refuses to attend your child’s recent birthday invite. But I would tell DH to go. But overall I would just drop contact and let this one go.

I stopped all contact with my mil on New Year’s Day. My husband hasn’t a great relationship with her I tried, and tbh she’s just not a very nice person. Sooooo I told her as for a relationship between her and I I was no longer interested however I would never come between her and her sons relationship nor her relationship with her grandchildren (my children) that she was always welcome when hubby is home and invited and I’d be the perfect host but as for her wanting a catch up with me etc that was no more. She took unbridge as usual made herself the victim despite her behaviour and decided to block myself and my children on any platform of communication and made it about the kids. So now like I said to husband I would never have dented a relationship between her and the kids but now she is just medical history to them as she has been emotionally abusive to hubby since his teen years and she is not doing that to my/our children which she has done. He supports me 100% and actually told her some home truths because of her behaviour and her messages to him since so basically if things with her are that bad, speak up but also be mindful it is his mum so tread carefully it was ok for me because of hubby and mil relationship. If it’s just a simple case of her not bothering maybe just be grateful she doesn’t really bother in my case that wasn’t the case it was overstepping boundaries, pure manipulation and nasty messages/stirring trouble out of no where and manipulating and being nasty to the children then lying/denying so maybe my case was a little different?! I’d have been grateful minimal contact haha that I would have loved. Xx

I really relate to this. I’ve been dealing with something very similar—my children are treated so differently compared to my husband’s mother’s other grandchildren.

It’s honestly so confusing and hurtful. But what I struggle with the most is that my husband doesn’t seem to find it as upsetting as I do (openly). He avoids having any kind of difficult conversation with her and his sibling even though it’s clearly affecting his relationship with his own family.

He’s always been seen as the “chilled one” since they were kids, and now it feels like his mum uses that as a reason to prioritise his sibling over him—and by extension, their children over ours.

It actually feels like a really hard situation as I feel as a mother my gut response is to be like - fuck you. We will just do the same right back. My children won’t be treated as 2nd best so openly so we will minimise contact.

But as a wife, I know how much my husband wants a relationship with his mum, and how much he does love her. It does hurt him, but he just doesn’t want to break from ‘the chilled one’ persona with her.

So if any ideas pop up here on how to manage this type of situation which suits all parties - I’m all ears!!!

@BeWittyRobin yes he wants to go as we do go each year 5 years now. Spoke to him again about this situation and he is not willing to speak to her saying she will fall out with him and me I have to lump it I’m upset for kids ☹️

@Flamingos89 100% exactly the same situation. He won’t addrsss it I suspect it hurts more than lets on. I also know he loves his mom and can’t come between that.
but honestly she goes to visit his brother who lives miles away that she actually fell out with some time back but puts herself out to go every birthday my Dh didn’t even get a card and she went overseas can you believe it. Totally at a loss with it all 😭

@BeWittyRobin oh wow sorry to hear this that is a sad situation especially her cutting the kids off. She is not as bad as this just literally never texts calls or noting and I have given up trying quite honestly but I think he is scared of her reaction if he addresss it incase it happens like yours with the MIL cutting ties . X

@whistlesandbells yes o know what you mean this is some years down the line but seems to be some sort of ritual she sticks to each year for him x

@whistlesandbells and this is before the birthday would you believe it ! X

@declutteringmymind yes he will definitely do this if I don’t go in two minds at minute x

NRTFT. Is it a general Father's Day service at her church or a yearly memorial for FIL? If the former, no I wouldn't go, the latter I would to support DH.

Tell him no. "DH m not coming to the church as your mother doesn't appear to like her and you refuse to address it with her, so until it's addressed I won't be attending anything your mum is at". If MIL gets to behave as she likes, then so do you.

How often does your husband take the children to see her, because it seems like he does, with and without you? It sounds like you don't like her, perhaps with good reason, but it seems that she does have a relationship with the children, just not on your terms.

You "constantly" invite her, but gave up after 5 times. Not great, but this doesn't seem constant in the 3 years since 2022, when she last visited.

I'm not saying she's an angel, just that you've gone through Covid and her losing her husband in the last 5 years, so things can't be easy for any of you.

She has to put in a lot of effort to visit the other grandchildren, so it seems kind of your husband to take that burden from her with regards your more local children.

@Vaxtable defintely feeling this way x

@CatsorDogsrule no I don’t mean invited her literally 5 times we have offered many times come here, we will go out we will pick her up bring here all is met with no. Then your left feeling after constantly asking you can’t be bothered with it anymore. I definitely have never disliked her but her actual willingness to even ask how the kids are. If we do go to her house she is constantly talking about the other grandkids it’s really wearing ☹️

@EllasNonny yes memorial type thing x

This is why I shared my story because obviously mine was extreme and I did suspect on another level 😂. I personally think if it is purely the lack of contact etc I would just leave it, unless it is really bothering you and you actually would like more in terms of a relationship and a commitment which will mean a commitment for you also. I personally would just try and accept it, the kids don’t miss what they have never had. I have a very close relationship with my nana on my mums side, but never had a close relationship with my grandma on my dad’s side. She sounds very like your mil, she was never interested and never bothered despite all the effort my mum put in. My other cousins had a closer relationship and you know what I didn’t miss it and at 39 I’m grateful I didn’t haha. I send the occasional text to check she’s ok. But it is what it is. So I wouldn’t worry about the kids too much honestly they probably won’t be bothered as they get older. Think it bothers us mums more. What I would say is be there for hubby don’t let her lack of commitment and her lack of consideration and effort with you and your children impact being their for him at this church service thing.

oh and thanks for your kind words but honestly the kids aren’t fussed, they never liked her 🙈😂 and actually they find her childless and patheticness rather amusing. So all in all it was the best start to our 2025 it’s been rather blissfully peaceful for nearly 6 months 😂😂😂 she only temp cut ties to try hurt my husband, but he actually saw right through it so when she came crawling back only to him to try manipulate him once again he realised how amazing life is not dealing with her drama and told her himself to jog on …… in our case I was super proud of him for being so strong but like I said they had a very poor relationship anyway he genuinely doesnt care about her because of everything she’s done to him in his life. So think he is equally relieved xx

@BeWittyRobin ah thanks. Yes I think I forget about her most of the time and it’ doesn’t bother me at all then something crops up and I get annoyed by the situation again. Think keeping on the Down low and not worrying too much about it is all I can do. Totally right about kids not sure they even notice this situation is happening and yes think I need to be the better person go to the church and come away 🙄 xx

It sounds like mil does have a relationship with your dh and the children. They go to her house to visit , unless I've misunderstood. Would she ever even see the rest of her family if she didn't do the leg work- travelling hours for one family and abroad for the other. Maybe from her perspective, she has to do a lot of the running around for two of her dc's, so wants someone who goes 'to her' for a change. Which is your dh as he's local. Maybe she doesn't like you, or thinks you don't like her. Why doesn't dh just ask her what's going on?

@Minnie798 yes they do go not often but go to see her and yes this is a possibility we are local and does not have to run about but when she goes three hours for both grandkids birthday every year for last ten years and not once here since they were 5 it does hurt.
i have considered she may not like me not sure what i have done but there is no chance on earth my Dh is asking her he is too afraid of recuperssion of her if she wants to be she can get very funny and turn on you.

welll the update was my DH addressed it with her in a nice way didn’t say as much as wanted. She was a bit taken a back and said to him well it definitely wasn’t on purpose but when he said he’s asked lots of times and even offered to pick her up each time she replied oh well I never feel well or it’s too dark to drive back but he pointed out he offers lifts and it’s the summer now plus we have a direct train 8.minutes to where she lives, no further foreward as says not on purpose but then made a load of excuses so i don’t think anything is going to change at this point.

Just tell your H you aren't going and then leave all interaction with her up to him.
Completely drop the rope

@Hoppinggreen yes I’ll be polite but pretty much done with her at this point.
then she gave her passport paperwork to my DH to ask me to check over so she can go back to see his sister and grandkids no words.