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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should we be asked before plans are made when it involves dc?

60 replies

exoticbloom · 27/05/2025 08:08

My DC aged 11 recently got their first phone due to starting secondary school.
Since they got the phone my in-laws have now starting communicating with them which on one hand I see the positives of a good relationship however this communication often involves making plans with dc without consulting either me or dh prior.
An example recently was dc was recently on a half day from school and I was off work so I thought I'd used the opportunity to go through dcs clothes with them and get organised for our upcoming holiday.
In-laws message dc asking them over to theirs for tea which then meant I had to either say you can go and put the task off or do it myself or say no and be the bad guy essentially. I told them to go and have fun.
This isn't the first time things like this have happened. DC is also saying to me in-laws have invited them on holiday later this summer but again this hasn't been mentioned to me or dh however when dh asked his mum about it she was like well only if you's have nothing on.
I'm just wondering if they should be checking with me or dh first before making plans or is this normal now as your dc gets older?

OP posts:
OneFineDay13 · 27/05/2025 08:10

Yes your right tbey should be running stuff by you first still your child and a bit cheeky to be honest.

Mumdiva99 · 27/05/2025 08:12

Teach your child to check with you before agreeing or declining.
I love that my kids are starting to have their own relationship with my parents outside of me. (And with their friends). It's all a learning curve.

TheSandgroper · 27/05/2025 08:12

You might have to play the bad mum for a while until GP’s learn their lesson.

”No, that’s not happening. You are 11 years old. I have to be asked first or it doesn’t happen “. And repeat.

obsessedwithfreshbread · 27/05/2025 08:14

This is a gentle way of breaking you in to life with secondary aged DC
they organise their own lives and free time with mates and you have no idea who these friends are until they descend like locusts on your house one day!

At least you know your in-laws!

PicaK · 27/05/2025 08:14

I'd never make a plan with a child. Would you do it to your kids' friends? Never!
It feels like they are leaving you out of the decision making process because they are.
Your DH should have a word - nicely - but point out they're still kids and not in charge of their own diary yet. Plus you don't want them disappointed or for you guys to have to be the bad guys when you say no.
I mean they can still have the joy if suggesting a plan to the kids but only when you've okayed it first. They have your number right?

2ndbestslayer · 27/05/2025 08:15

I can't really see the issue at that age. Presumably a friend could contact him to make plans and you wouldn't expect it to go through you first? As long as your son is checking with you before heading off somewhere.

I don't really have an issue with being the bad guy though - I'd also argue asking a child to finish a task before going somewhere isn't really being a bad guy.

2ndbestslayer · 27/05/2025 08:15

The holiday they absolutely should have checked with you though!

Communitywebbing · 27/05/2025 08:17

Tell DC and the grandparents that all plans have to go through you.
Big plans like the holiday should go to you first really, that is a bit much.

thepariscrimefiles · 27/05/2025 08:30

Your in-laws should certainly speak to you or your DH about taking your DS on holiday to get your permission before inviting him directly.

When they invite him to tea, do they give plenty of notice or are they inviting him on that day? They need to give some notice so you know not to cater for your son. Do they pick him up and drop him back or do you or your DH need to do it?

Are your PILs generally over-steppers where your son is concerned or is this new?

itsgettingweird · 27/05/2025 08:41

They are NBU to text your DC and ask.

I assume if their friends do the same your child checks with you first? Teach them to do the same if it’s family too.

Your child’s old enough to have said they were busy and shouldn’t have said they could go and of course old enough for you to have reminded them of their current engagement and that they need to say not that time.

I loved it when ds got his own phone and his relationships extended beyond my facilitation. But I also taught him about commitment and how to communicate no or communicate with me to check we don’t have family arrangements. (TbH he knew if we had family arrangements as use Google calender for them as that gave him independence to work out if he was free or not)

Mightyhike · 27/05/2025 08:52

I think you should tell your child that they need to check with you before agreeing rather than tell your in laws to check with you before asking. As a pp said, this is how your child's social life will happen soon (i.e. they'll arrange things with their friends directly, rather than the parents organising it) so you may as well get used to it!

GravyBoatWars · 27/05/2025 09:02

Not as a general rule, no.

This is a normal part of transitioning to secondary age and there’s a learning curve for both children and parents. People (friends, relatives) will invite your DC places and they need to learn to check with their parents first and figure out if they’re free. They’ll need to gradually start keeping track of their own commitments and schedule in the coming years as well. You saying “remember we agreed to clear out your old clothes this afternoon, you’ll have to tell grandmum you can’t go today” isn’t being the bad guy, it’s just routine parenting.

But for big exciting things like a special holiday away it’s reasonable to ask the grandparents to discuss with you first at this stage IMO.

Original poster
exoticbloom · 27/05/2025 09:16

Thank you for all the replies. DC always checks with me but I think the issue lies with me whereas I feel guilty for occasionally saying they can't go due to some dull task that needs doing or sometimes it's as simple as the weather is nice out today and I'd rather they were out playing with friends instead of going over watching tv with in-laws especially when he sees them frequently as it is. But as a PP mentioned it's a navigation that both parents and children go through and unfortunately I'm the only one of my friends with a tween so it's very new.

OP posts:
EMUKE · 27/05/2025 17:55

No I would have put a stop to that soon as it happened the first time. Or rather my husband would have said some thing. DC is still young and needs to understand boundary’s it’s not ok IMO. I want to know what my kids are doing who they are with and who will be around them. We live in a horrible world and I feel I know where my babies are 24/7.

laraitopbanana · 27/05/2025 17:55

They what??!!

erm. Yeah. Your child is 11. Things absolutely should be discussed with you first.

Squarepuffin · 27/05/2025 17:57

You'd have been in the same position of having to say yes/no if they'd asked you direct.

GravyBoatWars · 27/05/2025 17:58

exoticbloom · 27/05/2025 09:16

Thank you for all the replies. DC always checks with me but I think the issue lies with me whereas I feel guilty for occasionally saying they can't go due to some dull task that needs doing or sometimes it's as simple as the weather is nice out today and I'd rather they were out playing with friends instead of going over watching tv with in-laws especially when he sees them frequently as it is. But as a PP mentioned it's a navigation that both parents and children go through and unfortunately I'm the only one of my friends with a tween so it's very new.

That feeling is understandable but one you’ll definitely need to weather. It’s not just you saying no, it’s parenting. You’re helping your child learn to navigate multiple competing schedule items, balance less fun but needed to-dos with things that sound better in the moment, and respect pre-existing commitments.

The first step of it is you doing this out-loud schedule keeping where they get an invite, ask you, and you say “we have X task that we need to do today while I have time off/ Alfie invited you over for lunch and to play and we said yes so tea will have to be another day/ we need to go buy you supplies for your poster project first so ask grandmum if tea at 5pm would work, otherwise it will have to be another day”. You’re modeling the process for them in a way that doesn’t happen if you just make all the arrangements before they’re told about them. The next step will be them tracking some of those commitments and to-dos (help them figure out a method) and you reminding when they forget.

I’d definitely have a talk with your DS about responding to invitations with “let me ask my parents” but also make a point of telling him about plans you’re making for him (including tasks that need to be done) in advance if you’re not already doing that.

InterruptingRabbit · 27/05/2025 18:00

I think going for tea is ok. Your child should treat it like they would if they were going to a friend’s house, which I’m guessing now they’re in secondary school and have their own phone doesn’t always go through you?

I think it’s absolutely insane to arrange a holiday with a child and not the parents.

laraitopbanana · 27/05/2025 18:00

Squarepuffin · 27/05/2025 17:57

You'd have been in the same position of having to say yes/no if they'd asked you direct.

Yeah but the child doesn’t ask her…

she would feel defo differently to say no to PIL than to her child. They might enjoy the direct communication but PIL should still observe the young age setting mum put in place.

laraitopbanana · 27/05/2025 18:01

InterruptingRabbit · 27/05/2025 18:00

I think going for tea is ok. Your child should treat it like they would if they were going to a friend’s house, which I’m guessing now they’re in secondary school and have their own phone doesn’t always go through you?

I think it’s absolutely insane to arrange a holiday with a child and not the parents.

Yeah, it is weird both parents are not made aware and communication go solely to child.

I wouldn’t like it either.

neighboursmustliveon · 27/05/2025 18:03

My 16 and 17 year old still check/ask me before making plans to make sure they are free. The 17 year old is doing it less and less which is obviously completely fine but 16 year old even asked a few moments ago if she was free on Thursday as was trying to make plans with friends.

I would be saying to in laws and children that they need to check first.

Coffeemat · 27/05/2025 18:04

Very strange behaviour from your in laws.
Your son is a child.
Of course it should go via you.
Be clear with your son not to agree to anything without a conversation with you first.
I would suit yourself and say No anytime it doesn't work for you.
I would consider this rude.
11 is very young to be dealing with this.

Jumpers4goalposts · 27/05/2025 18:05

I don’t see a problem it’s an age where they start to become more independent and this is just part of it. My DD (13) is always asking if she can do x or y because someone has invited her. It’s hard to let go at first but it’s an important milestone. You just need to do the work with DD at home as in it’s not always appropriate to go to x or y because we have plans or the impact to everyone else and it’s not me being the bad guy it’s just the way it is and it’s not then but maybe another time etc.

Squarepuffin · 27/05/2025 18:09

laraitopbanana · 27/05/2025 18:00

Yeah but the child doesn’t ask her…

she would feel defo differently to say no to PIL than to her child. They might enjoy the direct communication but PIL should still observe the young age setting mum put in place.

Show quote history

If OP has been a parent for 11 years and can't say no to a DC, she's got bigger problems than ILs.

I think it's.good that they have direct communication, and as DC are checking with her before agreeing, ILs are probably asking them to do that.

minipie · 27/05/2025 18:09

GPs absolutely should check with you first.

However - soon your DS’s friends will start suggesting meeting up (if they haven’t already) so you’ll have a similar issue there.
So he will need to understand he has to check with you first and unfortunately you may sometimes have plans already - including boring ones.

However it’s unlikely his mates would ask him on holiday directly!!