Should we be asked before plans are made when it involves dc?

[exoticbloom]

My DC aged 11 recently got their first phone due to starting secondary school.
Since they got the phone my in-laws have now starting communicating with them which on one hand I see the positives of a good relationship however this communication often involves making plans with dc without consulting either me or dh prior.
An example recently was dc was recently on a half day from school and I was off work so I thought I'd used the opportunity to go through dcs clothes with them and get organised for our upcoming holiday.
In-laws message dc asking them over to theirs for tea which then meant I had to either say you can go and put the task off or do it myself or say no and be the bad guy essentially. I told them to go and have fun.
This isn't the first time things like this have happened. DC is also saying to me in-laws have invited them on holiday later this summer but again this hasn't been mentioned to me or dh however when dh asked his mum about it she was like well only if you's have nothing on.
I'm just wondering if they should be checking with me or dh first before making plans or is this normal now as your dc gets older?

Maybe an opportunity to teach your child that 'sorry, would love to come but have other plans' is a perfectly acceptable answer to an invitation, especially a last minute one.

11 is old enough to have some control over their own diary and to understand that sometimes invites and initial plans don't work out quite as expected.

Suspect it's going to be easier to manage your child than your in laws. And worth checking with your child if you think they're maybe not wanting to spend as much time with their grandparents as the grandparents would like so you can help smooth that a bit.

I have similar with my in laws , my MIL messages and talks to my youngest DD every day , she’s 14 but has learning disabilities and SEN , they will say “ tell your mum we will pop down tomorrow “ they live 1 hr 30 away … we are complete opposites in that they actually have their front door propped open so anyone can knock and pop in for a cuppa , I’m someone who needs several days notice of a visitor ! They know if they do it this way it’s harder for me to say no , please come next week - but I still do !

Where is your DH in all this?

This is where you need to teach your child to let you know before planning anything.

We had this problem with DD who kept arranging things and then just expecting us to know about it….. because obviously for her whole life we have known about everything she’s done as we have arranged it.

Give the grandparents some leaway, maybe the they’re assuming DC is telling you about everything they’ve discussed…….just make sure that they all know, that they can discuss plans, but not MAKE them unless you as parents have been involved before anything is finalised.

my DD was planning to go to a Theme park with her cousins and my son/his gf (adults) the first I knew of it, was my sons gf calling me and asking me what time she needed to pick them up 🤣🤣

she didn’t say she can’t say no… read her post

Yes…
growing in responsibility is an uncomfortable turn for everyone involved 😂😂

Well yes they should be checking first but if you have a good relationship with them and their plans are no skin off your nose then id let it slide. Perhaps a gentle quiet word to mention to Grandparents you don't want to disappoint DC if you have prior engagements so may be worth running past you first, but id keep the tone very lighthearted and pleasant.

@exoticbloom the only numbers needed in your child's phone are yours and your dh's. block any others until he is old enough to make decisions by himself. alternatively, your dh or yourself need to have a discussion with outlaws regarding these requests bypassing you in the first instance

It’s fine for them to invite them. You can still say no. My dc set up things with friends all the time that just don’t work. And I have to say no. It’s part of getting some independence. You have to deal with disappointment when it doesn’t work out. If ILs are overriding your no, then dh needs to have a word.

I'd rather they were out playing with friends instead of going over watching tv with in-laws especially when he sees them frequently as it is.

But if his preference is to spend time with grandparents, I think at 11, it should be his choice, if he hasn't already committed to friends.

On the holiday trip, GPs should definitely check with you first, OP.

They should be checking with you first for big things like holidays i wouldnt be too fussed about being invited for tea. I'd keep it light but message GP's to say no problem with you contacting children independently but for things such as hols can they check with you first rather than get kids hopes up.when you might already hav plans

I'd speak directly to the in-laws (or DH would) and tell them to stop organising stuff with the children without having run it past you first. Point out that the children could end up needlessly disappointed if you had to put a stop to something they had already got their hopes up over because you already had plans.

I'd say that in future if something hasn't been run by you first then the answer will be no for that reason.

Obviously you will increase your flexibility as your now 11 year old progresses through their teens, but for now you need to rein the in-laws in a bit more.

😂the kid’s 11, not 6! Perfectly normal and healthy for them to start to build their own independent relationship with GPs.

OP as others have said, you just need to get slightly more comfortable saying no when they run things past you. Sounds like everything else is fine.

My kids were more like 16 when they would say things like “I’m going to Tom’s house for a sleepover on Friday ” rather than ask if it’s ok if they went on a sleepover.
Holidays are more complicated as it’s longer and costs money but on some level your ILs must know that your dd is asking you before replying to them.

It's about safety for your DC too. No one should be planned Ng anything at this age with your DC.
No one should be encouraging sidelining you, you'll need to be fully part of decisions until DC is old enough for you to be sure he's safe.

So you think a secondary school child shouldn't have their grandparents numbers in their phone? Or those of any of their friends!!?? That is a very odd take on things here, it's literally what a phone is for!

Yes, that'll work well. Not.

MIL did this for a few years and natural consequences showed her she needed to come to me first. She'd have set up a sleepover with tickets to a show but because she didn't run it by me or DH, kids wouldn't go because we had previous plans, and MIL would be disappointed and out the cost of the tickets. I never got angry, just would say, "Oh, well, we have xyz today. You'll have to find another time."

She figured it out.

I’d set up a family WhatsApp group, half way house between independent arrangements and checking with you.

I think it is nice that they have the independent relationship.

I think you need to take a bit of ownership of the phone.

Hi Gwen, it’s Sarah. Evie won’t be able to come over tonight because we have plans. Take care x

Every so often. To make it clear it’s parent moderated. You should be checking it regularly at that age anyway.

Is it mainly your mil driving this or mil and fil? I think your DH needs to tell them that it’s not ok, especially the holiday plans.

Set up a WhatsApp group for the four of you and tell them that it will be the way of communication between him and them and you can see what’s been discussed and planned and can you can tuen intervene in their plans if necessary

The grandparents should definitely check with you first before making any suggestions to your DC, otherwise you end up being the bad guy if you need to say no. I’d make that an absolute rule to be followed 100%.

My 16yr old always checks with me before making any plans with friends although mainly because he’s relying on me to drive him there and back as we live rurally and DH doesn’t drive.

I think asking for tea is ok and then dc should check with you. I would still have made them sort the clothes if that was the plan though, realistically I wouldn't expect dc to help with that for more than an hour.

If MiL had asked you first would you not still have felt like maybe you should put the dull task off?

Holiday is a bit different as it is a bigger thing (unless they have been away with grandparents before so they know you are happy with dc going on holiday)

I used to make plans with my dns at that age but I would always say check with your mum and then chat to their mum. My sil would always be thrilled to get a break so I knew I wasn’t overstepping. Just wanted to make sure dns were happy to hang out with us first.