Should we be asked before plans are made when it involves dc?

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My DC aged 11 recently got their first phone due to starting secondary school.
Since they got the phone my in-laws have now starting communicating with them which on one hand I see the positives of a good relationship however this communication often involves making plans with dc without consulting either me or dh prior.
An example recently was dc was recently on a half day from school and I was off work so I thought I'd used the opportunity to go through dcs clothes with them and get organised for our upcoming holiday.
In-laws message dc asking them over to theirs for tea which then meant I had to either say you can go and put the task off or do it myself or say no and be the bad guy essentially. I told them to go and have fun.
This isn't the first time things like this have happened. DC is also saying to me in-laws have invited them on holiday later this summer but again this hasn't been mentioned to me or dh however when dh asked his mum about it she was like well only if you's have nothing on.
I'm just wondering if they should be checking with me or dh first before making plans or is this normal now as your dc gets older?

I feel like at 11 if you have a task you want DC to do with you in place of other plans then you should talk to your DC in advance; ‘We need to sort your clothes out for upcoming holiday, I’m thinking Sunday afternoon so don’t make any other plans.’ That way it’s not on you to say know, your DC has already committed to your plan and so knows to say no if anybody else asks them to do something.

Incidentally, would you feel equally annoyed if DC had made plans with a friend instead of GPs?

Hi just catching up now with the replies. So there is a family WhatsApp group but these conversations are taking place outside this group however they do participate in other conversations on the WhatsApp group. I do check ds phone regularly he is aware of this and is fine and it is pretty locked down.

It's fine for GPs to ask directly and your child should check with you too. When I was at secondary school I spent loads of time at my grandparents house, and we didn't have phones back then ;).
Wait until your DC is off out to the pub/nightclubs, and arranging holidays to Amsterdam!

I would set a rule that any requests for plans that they ask your child before getting approval from DH or you first is an automatic “no”. Make it a blanket rule for everyone, not just the in-laws. As your children get older, you can relax this rule, but by then, everyone should be used to asking you all first anyway.

They’re completely out of order. I think it’s down to your husband to tell them. The in-law relationship has plenty of minefields without you having to negotiate this one.

Don’t understand why dc couldn’t have sorted clothes out in the afternoon then gone round to IL? It seeps out of your post that you don’t have a great relationship with IL. A cheery ‘it’s great you are chatting to DC but to save disappointment please discuss arrangements with us first?’ Why haven’t you? This is really a PIL/ MILnpost in disguise😄

Imagine it's a house phone and GP rang to invite? No difference really except no one has house phones these days do they?

God they are your children, not your property. People saying things like, “until gp have learnt their lesson” it’s pathetic. As children get older they form their own relationships and organise their time. Be grateful your dc has good gp’s who want to spend time with them and vice versa. Yes, occasionally it might not suit your plans but when it’s important you can, and should say no, but all in all you should be encouraging independence and good relationships with people who love your dc, not treating them like property, you can order about at will.

"As long as your son is checking with you before heading off somewhere"

The parents should be asked first.
There maybe plans already in the diary so then son has agreed to do something with DGP and will then have to un agree.

Who makes plans with a child and doesn't speak to the parents?

My kids wanted their friend to come for dinner and they made plans between the three of them.
I said that I needed to speak to the other child's mum so we can arrange a date as there's no point telling me, friend is coming for dinner tomorrow.
Because we don't know if they are actually busy already as friend isn't the boss of her family, just like you are not the bosses of this family.
Turned out they couldn't make it over for a week.

I think for tea your DS should be asking if they can go, then accepting or declining the invertation. This wouldn't be a rule specifically for the grandparents, it should same as if it was a school friend or anyone else inviting them.

The holiday plans should definitely be decided between adults before including the DC in the conversation, so I'd pull them up on that. Not just because you might not want them to go, there could also other plans or logistical reasons it won't work out and it's not fair to promise a child something before you're sure it will happen.