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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he should have checked how I am?

107 replies

PoloGirl · 26/05/2025 21:37

Yesterday I was involved in an incident with the police. Basically I was in a car that my friend was driving extremely dangerously and I called the police to stop him. He was stopped and arrested for drink driving (I didn't know he was drunk). I'm quite shaken up and obviously the friendship is over. DP is furious because it was our car my friend was driving, but not once has he asked if I'm OK. I've also had to do a witness statement for the police which wasn't nice because it's against my (ex) friend and emotionally I feel quite upset. DP is barely talking to me.

AIBU to have expected him to ask how I am or at least shown some sort of care about me?

Genuinely don't know if AIBU.

(and oh changed username for this one.)

OP posts:
RawBloomers · 27/05/2025 00:26

Unless there is history of making poor choices, a DP ought to be supportive when you make mistakes. But the story does sound like a situation that would be unlikely to have just sprung up out of the blue without there being history or some other factor that made it somewhat predictable. So I think there are caveats.

I do think, regardless of what ended up happening that YWBU to allow someone else to drive the car outside an emergency if it does not solely belong to you. I would not be happy about a partner risking our joint property in that way. As others have noted, your friend being fully comp and covered to drive other cars normally only means 3rd party insurance for other cars, which is not a risk I'd want to take with property worth thousands of pounds in order to take the dog somewhere fun. And it sounds like you simply took his word for it that he was covered and didn't delve into the details. But that's the sort of thing to have serious conversations about acceptable risk and agree on what's acceptable, not simply be furious and ignore your partner's need for comfort and care.

Is your friend normally an upstanding guy where this behaviour really was completely out of the blue? And would your DP agree with that assessment? Do you have a history of poor decision making that has put you or DP at risk or cost your DP, financially or otherwise? Because this sort of thing is tough to live with and if that were the case I'd think YABU.

But if there really was no reason to think your friend would ever do that sort of thing and you do not have a history of making rash decisions that later cost your DP, the YANBU. It must have been a shock to you and a partner should be supportive even if everything wasn't ideal. I could see abusive partners being over the top about one off mistakes and it's a worrying that he has no concern for you.

Penthrowingsurvivor · 27/05/2025 00:34

are you not living together?

If he has seen you since yesterday, he can see there's nothing wrong with you.

Of course he's furious.

MrsCatE · 27/05/2025 01:10

@PoloGirl I'm so sorry you're being quizzed at this forum and very annoyed on your behalf re DH's response. You reacted correctly; to ensure the safety of others and yourself.

uncomfortablydumb60 · 27/05/2025 01:47

I'm sorry your ex friend put you through this
i do understand why your DP is pissed off but a loving DP would be concerned about you, before his car.
The ex friend is horrible to put you through that especially when he knew you'd called the Police. What a twat he is.

beAsensible1 · 27/05/2025 01:52

Did the friend meet you there then drive back or drive you there and back?

it’s weird that you let your friend drive your car when you didn’t need to and hadn’t organised it beforehand. The story is
a bit dodgy frankly.

LogicalBlodge · 27/05/2025 01:54

I suppose this comes down to - are you both okay with the other person allowing someone else to drive the car that you both own without checking with the other person first.

ApolloandDaphne · 27/05/2025 03:43

I can understand why your partner is furious. I would be too. You are not hurt and he needs time to work through his anger at the situation before he can try and support you.

Anyotherdude · 27/05/2025 04:17

YABVVU
You took your “friends” word for it that he is insured to drive the car you own with your DP, apparently unaware that his insurance policy will only ever allow him to drive with 3rd party insurance.
You didn’t even check if your friend was capable of driving first, thus allowing yourself (and the car) to be put in danger.
You then added to the danger by calling the police while in the dangerously-driven car (he could have taken exception to that and it could have made him drive even more recklessly).
If my DP behaved with that level of jaw-dropping stupidity naivety I would be reconsidering my relationship with him, and very angry indeed.

CurlewKate · 27/05/2025 04:22

Even if I had done something really stupid I would still expect my dp to check that I was OP even if he was furious with me.

myplace · 27/05/2025 06:07

@Fruitbat99 check your policy - you may be reading it incorrectly. You are fully comp in your car, yes. In someone else’s car you are only 3rd party (unless yours is an unusual policy). So if you have a bump the other vehicle and passengers are covered but the one you drove is not. Basically unless yours can afford to replace the car you’re driving, don’t do it.

toomuchfaff · 27/05/2025 11:35

PoloGirl · 26/05/2025 21:54

He has fully comp so entitled to drive other cars with owner’s permission. That’s what he told me anyway.

Show quote history

You know this is bullshit right?

With many polices there is no auto entitlement to drive any car with fully comp.

Maybe your DP is annoyed youve let someone drive the car after being told BS.

Cosyblankets · 27/05/2025 11:51

PoloGirl · 26/05/2025 21:54

He has fully comp so entitled to drive other cars with owner’s permission. That’s what he told me anyway.

Show quote history

You do realise that only covers damage to a car that he hits? Not to your car?
That's what he told you? Did you check? Not all FC insurance has this extention

Original poster
PoloGirl · 28/05/2025 18:36

No I didn’t check the insurance, I just trusted him.
he honestly did not appear drunk either or I would never have got in the car, obviously.
He didn’t know I was on the phone to the police because I pretended it was my dd and the 999 lady played along.

He was arrested on suspicion of driving while over the legal limit, taking a car without consent and criminal damage. This last one won’t stick because I told them multiple times that the damage was there before he drove the car.

He called me yesterday and told me that the police haven’t charged him with anything, even though he blew over the limit (57) in the police station. He’s been released pending further investigation for everything he was arrested for …does that sound right??

OP posts:
Fuzziduck · 28/05/2025 18:38

Fully comp no longer means you can automatically drive another car - though you can specifically ask for it to be added.

should have seen his insurance cert before he drove your car tbh.

Fuzziduck · 28/05/2025 18:41

As it’s pending, and he blew 57, he will be charged with something. Probably going back and forth to see whether they can charge him with anything else.

MoreChocPls · 28/05/2025 18:47

You seem a little naive and stupid.

ByWaryDog · 28/05/2025 18:52

I like to think I'm a reasonable and kind person, but I'm not sure I'd manage to be completely measured if DH had manages to get himself in this situation.

Also, I'm wondering what you've left out. Who was this friend at the beach, that you know well enough to have drive your car, but not well enough to know he's an irresponsible drinker, or to recognise when he's drunk?

HoldmecloseTonyDanza · 28/05/2025 19:24

PoloGirl · 28/05/2025 18:36

No I didn’t check the insurance, I just trusted him.
he honestly did not appear drunk either or I would never have got in the car, obviously.
He didn’t know I was on the phone to the police because I pretended it was my dd and the 999 lady played along.

He was arrested on suspicion of driving while over the legal limit, taking a car without consent and criminal damage. This last one won’t stick because I told them multiple times that the damage was there before he drove the car.

He called me yesterday and told me that the police haven’t charged him with anything, even though he blew over the limit (57) in the police station. He’s been released pending further investigation for everything he was arrested for …does that sound right??

...taking a car without consent...
Surely this won't stick either, as you gave him permission??
Is 57 high? I've no idea - but if it is, how did you not know?

itiswhatitishey · 28/05/2025 19:32

I’m trying to imagine how you’d fake a conversation with the emergency services that made him think you were talking to your daughter, and I can’t

grumpygrape · 28/05/2025 19:32

Well, for starters, driving the car without the owner’s consent would be hard to prosecute as you were with him in the car. I’m not surprised criminal damage was dropped, as it would be difficult to prove he did it on purpose and especially if you said the damage was already there.

Blowing 57 would normally be dealt with immediately unless there are reasons not to but the circumstances sound very weird.

To a previous poster, the limit is 35 and 57 would usually attract a fine of half to whole net weekly income and a disqualification of 12- 18 months.

grumpygrape · 28/05/2025 19:34

itiswhatitishey · 28/05/2025 19:32

I’m trying to imagine how you’d fake a conversation with the emergency services that made him think you were talking to your daughter, and I can’t

To be honest, I'm wondering why the OP would fake the conversation with the call handler unless she was scared of the 'friend'.

Kangarude · 28/05/2025 19:37

I’m wondering how the friend came to be driving the car at all?
Did you pick him up OP or did he come to your house? How did he get there?
It all seems very odd and I too would be annoyed if I was your DP

therealtrunchbull · 28/05/2025 19:45

If I was your DP I would firstly be angry that you had got yourself into such a stupid situation, and secondly be angry that you are clearly lying about what happened.

PrettyPuss · 28/05/2025 19:58

Friend driving your car is just very odd. In my decades of driving I’ve never had a friend turn up and persuade me to let them drive my car anywhere. Not even to the beach for a dog walk.

In fact, if any friend of mine behaved that way I would probably assume they were drunk.

Thankfully no-one was hurt here but lesson learned for you. And your partner is understandably annoyed at your decision.

nomas · 28/05/2025 20:02

PoloGirl · 26/05/2025 21:54

He has fully comp so entitled to drive other cars with owner’s permission. That’s what he told me anyway.

Show quote history

I felt bad for you until I read this. This is inexcusable.

You put a car that you share with your husband at risk of a crash.

If your friend didn’t have insurance, who would have picked up the costs of repair? You or your DH?