How did you work out childcare v working hours?

[Raindropsandroses123]

I’m due to go back to work from maternity leave in a few months and am currently working out childcare v working hours. I have a busy and demanding clinical role in the NHS, however it is flexible and I can wfh 2 days per week and can adjust my working hours around clinical work. However saying that, on certain days there is no flexibility and I have clinics to do. I am also quite senior so I can pretty much quite a lot of say in what I do throughout the day eg clinic timings etc. I work very hard and take immense pride and diligence in my work and patient care, probably to my detriment. However I really value motherhood and want to be present as much as I can. So I do want as minimal childcare as possible, as does my husband.

This is the sticking point…
my husband pretty much wants me to say to work that I’m working more than I am but actually work very minimal during the day so I can pick the kids up. For example on 2 days per week he wants me to actually say to work I’m working a full day but only actually do 2.5 hrs (maybe more in evening) as he wants me to drop the kids off then pick one of them up at 12!! I find this very dishonest but he says if I’m so efficient I can be the work done. I’m not that bloody efficient but also I need to be present. I also don’t want calls when I do have the kids. When I sign off work I want to be finished and not thinking about it when I’m with the kids. Also I find this plan incredibly stressful and would have to work when the kids are in bed, on top of doing housework, meals etc. we have 3 kids btw - all under 4.

I agree with my DH that the childcare has to be around my “9-5” working schedule as he works shifts and is only around a few days per week, when he’s around he plans to help “where he can”.

I want the kids in a little bit more childcare so I can get my work done but I’m trying to find a balance so both aren’t excessive.

This Is causing arguments.

Now my question is not about trying to find solutions about my working hours. It’s about how did you come to the conclusion of what working hours v childcare you have. Was it a joint decision? Was it led by the person who is around more and if so did they call the shots. Anyone in this situation at all?

AIBU? It’s a joint decision and he has as much say as me even though I’m doing the “leg work”?

YANBU? That my DH is calling all the shots but Im doing all the “leg work”?

This is ridiculous. Both children should be in full-time nursery. You have a full time job and minimal help. You will be super stressed otherwise. Don't forget how often your youngest will get ill in the first year either.

Ex-NHS HR here.

You’d be absolutely mad attempting this.

Children should be at nursery or other form of childcare whenever you are both working. Sounds pretty dishonest to say you are working more than you are, especially when working for the NHS and it's things like that which will lead to working from home being cancelled for everybody.

You need childcare for all of your contracted hours. There's no way that 3 under 4 will stay quiet for a Teams call, you will get found out very quickly.

Why doesn't he pick the children up and work while caring for them i f it is so easy?

I wouldn’t do MS calls with kids around, that would be ridiculous, only maybe if it was nap time and the others are at school or nursery. I wouldn’t be able to work when the kids are around. My husband wants me to squeeze in work around them not with them. There aren’t enough hours in the day.

Well if you’re working less hours than you claim you are and are getting paid for this is fraud, so don’t listen to your husband.

Did I miss somewhere what DH is doing for the childcare?

Wow, your husband is a fucking disgrace! He wants you to screw over the NHS and rip off tax payers just so you don't have to pay for childcare. Fuck me, the entitlement of people these days is truly shocking. I despair of where we will end up if someone who is 'quite senior' is even giving this headspace. You should both be ashamed of yourselves for even considering this.

This is madness. You will not be a good caretaker for your kids if you're trying to work around them. You won't be a good employee if you're watching your kids. The latter would be bad enough in any role but as you're in a clinical role it's potentially unforgivable.

I have a very flexible job and have on occasion (eg sick kid, important meeting) done a Teams call with them with me, and answered emails as they napped/played. It's never my best work and is just about acceptable where there are few other options. And it feels awful doing it.

If your DH really doesn't want them in childcare, he needs to find another job so he can look after them.

Back yo the drawing board OP, and your husband can contribute too. I work for the NHS and would be disgusted if any of my team members (especially my seniors ) attempted this

I voted you are being unreasonable to even ask the question.
Why is he arguing about it? Your kids go full time childcare so you can do your job.
Is your job not deemed as important as his ?

What he is suggesting is theft of time from the NHS of whom tax payer pay the wages of.

It’s not even a serious question

Tell your dh to squeeze his work around the children and only work 2.5hrs one day but pretend he has worked more. I’m sure he wouldn’t be doing it!

What about looking into a nanny? They can come to the house. You can work 9-5 or even 8-6 and take lunch breaks or collect them and return but you can make those hours hour over an extended day?

You can’t work 2.5hrs of being paid for 8. That’s a ridiculous ask.

It’s a joint decision but ultimately if he’s going to be a knob about you working your contacted hours then you may need to make the arrangements without his input.

Give him the choice of making sensible workable solutions or butting out!

Completely unfair. It might be worth considering a nanny share but what he’s proposing is both fraudulent and stressful. It won’t work and it’ll be your career that will take the impact

Exactly!! Imagine even giving this more than a passing thought at senior level

But in this scenario you're pretending to be working all day, as no employer is going to accept you doing 2.5 hours only during the working day.

What are you going to do when you pick up DC at 12 and then a manager or team member asks for a call at 2, or needs you to look at something urgent by EOD? Moral questions aside, I don't understand how you're going to go offline most of the working day and colleagues won't notice.

Is he suggests you do non contact / admin hours in the evening after kids asleep? Assuming he is doing all housework and chores that might work. You need a come to Jesus meeting with him where you both lay out everything that needs to be done including childcare AND some rest and leisure for both of you and see how that fits. I did work after kids in bed but had 3 hours during the day when didn’t work.

I am fairly senior and in a clinical role so can’t work from home apart from one day where I do management work and can work from home then. I dropped down to 4 days and worked 9.30-4.30 to allow for drop offs and pick ups. My 2 year old is in nursery 4 days as I wouldn’t even consider trying to squeeze my work at home around looking after him, and my eldest is at afterschool club til 5.30 on my clinic days. I pick him up from school on my WFH days but he is old enough to amuse himself for a couple of hours while I finish off working. My manager is also fully aware that this is my arrangement.

DH is in a role where he can’t do any sort of flexible working so although I now am the higher earner, it is me that also has to have flexibility as he just can’t have set days off or change his working hours at all. He covers more childcare in the holidays and also will collect the children if he gets a half day.

Your kids have to be in childcare for the hours you are working. Looking after preschool kids is a full time job and you can’t do that at the same time as working.

why doesn’t your dh want the kids in nursery? To save money or to spend more time with them?

You can’t work while looking after them - you admit that yourself. But pretending to be working? - you WILL get found out, and quickly, we ALL know when someone is swinging the lead when they aren’t responsive and contactable at a time when they are supposedly working.

You’ll then have bigger problems when you lose your job because of it.

You’re ‘senior’ - what would happen if it was one of the people under you and you discovered it. It would be disciplinary at best and instant dismissal more likely.

Since your D’H won’t step up to do childcare you have only 2 options:

1. Put them in childcare for all the hours you work
2. Drop your hours

That will solve your childcare problem. Less easy to solve is a ‘D’H who doesn’t consider himself an equal parent, just a ‘helper’ when it’s convenient for him, as long as it’s not impacting him or his career in any way - oh and one who so clearly doesn’t give a shit about you or your career. Because they obviously are less important.

Why did you have a 4th child in 4 years with this waste of an excuse of a father?

Oops meant to click yanbu x

What sacrifices to his working day is your husband doing? This needs to be a shared strategy from day one or you’ll be doing it all until the child leaves secondary.

I work as an NHS band 7 with a fair amount of WFH. It wouldn’t work with children around- what happens if someone tries to call you on teams when you’re supposed to be working?

My children and 8 and 10 and I will only work from home with children in the house when it’s an emergency (and I will let my manager know). Only snow days or if someone has been sent home from school unwell. You need childcare or one of you to reduce hours.

So many threads about this sort of thing. Makes me despair of being able to maintain my hybrid working as clearly too many people are taking it too far.

I have no idea what your DH is thinking but you need to be 100% honest with your employer. If you’re thinking of a flexible working schedule of working around your kids, then you can always ask. I had a colleague who worked 5-7 am, 9-3pm and 10-11 pm or something like that. Was awful for her but she had children with additional needs and her husband had died so I facilitated this. All through HR etc. lying is not going to work out well