How did you work out childcare v working hours?

[Raindropsandroses123]

I’m due to go back to work from maternity leave in a few months and am currently working out childcare v working hours. I have a busy and demanding clinical role in the NHS, however it is flexible and I can wfh 2 days per week and can adjust my working hours around clinical work. However saying that, on certain days there is no flexibility and I have clinics to do. I am also quite senior so I can pretty much quite a lot of say in what I do throughout the day eg clinic timings etc. I work very hard and take immense pride and diligence in my work and patient care, probably to my detriment. However I really value motherhood and want to be present as much as I can. So I do want as minimal childcare as possible, as does my husband.

This is the sticking point…
my husband pretty much wants me to say to work that I’m working more than I am but actually work very minimal during the day so I can pick the kids up. For example on 2 days per week he wants me to actually say to work I’m working a full day but only actually do 2.5 hrs (maybe more in evening) as he wants me to drop the kids off then pick one of them up at 12!! I find this very dishonest but he says if I’m so efficient I can be the work done. I’m not that bloody efficient but also I need to be present. I also don’t want calls when I do have the kids. When I sign off work I want to be finished and not thinking about it when I’m with the kids. Also I find this plan incredibly stressful and would have to work when the kids are in bed, on top of doing housework, meals etc. we have 3 kids btw - all under 4.

I agree with my DH that the childcare has to be around my “9-5” working schedule as he works shifts and is only around a few days per week, when he’s around he plans to help “where he can”.

I want the kids in a little bit more childcare so I can get my work done but I’m trying to find a balance so both aren’t excessive.

This Is causing arguments.

Now my question is not about trying to find solutions about my working hours. It’s about how did you come to the conclusion of what working hours v childcare you have. Was it a joint decision? Was it led by the person who is around more and if so did they call the shots. Anyone in this situation at all?

AIBU? It’s a joint decision and he has as much say as me even though I’m doing the “leg work”?

YANBU? That my DH is calling all the shots but Im doing all the “leg work”?

Many employers insist on outside the home childcare for under 10’s whilst working from home. What part is your DH contributing to organising childcare?

Don't do this. Being dishonest in an NHS role would end your career if you're found out. Tell DH if he wants that plan then he needs to work it around his work hours. If he can't then more nursery it is x

No chance. I’m in exactly the same position as you, working 4 days but looking to cut down to 3, but my kids are older now (primary school age), but even then on my 2 afternoons I pick up on a work day, I effectively compress my hours - so do a morning clinic, work solidly through what would be lunch until about 2.30 then rush back to pick up kids from school, then accept that I’ll be doing another hour or so of admin after bedtime.

The things I do to minimise childcare:

• Morning clinics only
• Never take a lunch break on work days
• do 4 variable days (so 9-2.30 or 9-4 without a break) rather than 3 standard days
• Accept that I will do some extra admin work (signing off letters etc) at an unsociable time (evening or weekend)
• Book appropriate childcare when needed so I can be effective and efficient in the time I have

With three under 4 there is quite simply no way you can safely and practicably do clinical work and look after children simultaneously.

Your husband needs a serious reality check..

Hi @Raindropsandroses123, I would absolutely not do your partner’s plan it’s very dangerous and could lead to dismissal! I’m due to go back to work soon, my baby will start nursery in early October and I’m currently confirming my new shift pattern which will be part time

That’s fraud

You’d be sacked in our place if you had children around when trying to work. How dishonest! When they’re school aged it’s school / breakfast club / afterschool club, and when younger it’s full time private nursery.

You can see why so many employers want employees back into the office, can’t you? This sort of piss taking gives home working a bad name. Of course you can’t work with two little children at home. It would be tremendously difficult and you will almost inevitably be caught out when you can’t take an important/emergency call or someone hears Charlie and Lola kicking off in the background.

Tell your DH to take the time off if he’s that desperate to save on childcare. I bet he just likes the idea of the little wife at home, looking after the kids, and making his tea.

What is your dh doing?

I was nhs full time, some days clinical some flexi.

dh and I shared the nursery runs. If I did 7-3 dh would drop offs and I’d pick up. Or I’d do 10-6 and dh would pick up.

only working 2.5 hours on a rostered day will lose you your job if anyone finds out. It’s basically theft, in my job it would be a referral to professional standards and a misconduct investigation. And there will be people who will report you.

you need full time childcare. If I had a half day or a flexible day I’d often pick them up early, but you need the place. Don’t you get a discount for full time any more? Mine 5 days was only marginally more expensive than 4, and the flexibility was a lifesaver.

All drop offs and pick ups are me so I chose the childcare. They do full wraparound because it's impossible otherwise. If my husband wanted them to do shorter days then he would need to be responsible.

Why is your husband so pushy for YOU to do everything? Full time nursery is the only option.

What’s your DH doing to sort childcare?

he should be making a formal request to fix a least a couple of his shifts / days off

If you are happy to lose your clinical registration then go along with your husband. If you want to keep it, do your job properly and be a decent human being, then get childcare that covers all the hours you work.

If your dh works shifts he can help out.

when I did shifts Dh’s job was 9-5 and we had childcare to cover that. If I was a late shift I’d drop them in at lunchtime, or keep them home on my day off.

if he wants them home more he can step up. Shifts actually work really well for that if you have someone else to pick up outside the 9-5.

I was very similar to you. Senior B7 Mon-Fri, highly stressful, extremely fast paced clinical role.

I asked to compress my 9-5 job into 3 long days on return from Mat leave because I couldn’t actually afford the subsidised childcare for 5 days.
Was turned down with no negotiation or discussion. ( brand new very inexperienced manager ) so I had no choice but to leave after over 18 years in my role.

I got a job (that I absolutely hated to the core of me) that the hours were so good that I didn’t need any external childcare. ( evenings and weekends compressed hours)
Stuck it out for 2.5 years until I got the free hours.

I did what I had to do and do not regret being able to be home with my children, it was wonderful.

Good luck x

Your husband’s idea is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard, not to mention extremely disrespectful of your work.

I knew I wanted to go back to work full time, as did my husband. We have twins. We were lucky to have my mum able to provide a day of childcare, then they were in nursery the other 4 days. We would alternate flexi-time, working late and early to swap around drop offs and pick ups.

My DH respected my work and also knew he was a parent with equal responsibility.

Children need to be in childcare for all the hours that neither you or dh are available because you are both working. Why is dh helping 'where he can' on the days he is around. If he's on a day off surely he'll have sole responsibility for the children if it's one of your working days. If he's doing 'back' shift, he will be on dad duties in the morning and then drop them off at childcare before work. It's not helping , it's parenting and sharing responsibilities around work hours.

I always aimed to have more childcare than working hours - not less, that's bonkers! As well as needing time for admin, commuting and the unexpected, I needed and wanted time to do stuff like my tax return, booking holidays, other paperwork. Children are a giant admin task as well as everything else...

If your DH is so fussed about a parent being "present for the children", he has various options: shared parental leave, drop a day, take a responsibility cut with a pay cut, research different childcare options, work flexibly, work from home... you know, all the stuff mums do routinely.

But let me guess.

He wants you to do it!

were you a single parent? O/p isn’t, she has two wages coming in so cost doesn’t appear to be the issue.

It’s that he dh wants her to somehow work full time yet not have the children in full time childcare. Without offering to help solve the issue around his own work hours. Which he could do as he works shifts.

Nope, 2 of us. Never, not once did my husband suggest what he thought I should do. We worked it out between us. He took over as he came in from work as I left for work. He had his children every weekend while I worked.
But I did change jobs to allow for this.

Don’t do this. It will be awful and you will burn out. You will also have to be ignoring your kids/putting them on screens a lot to make it work and that will make you feel awful and guilty. He wouldn’t do it, nor would many men. What would work for you? I would have them in childcare 9-3.30 on days you WFH which would mirror school and be something that is workable going forward and a reasonable flex time type of approach to cover your hours. Then when you pick them up you can give them your full attention xxx

Well, obviously you can't defraud your employer. Is your DH a bit simple or something?

If i was in your shoes, I'd just get a nanny. By far the simplest solution, and usually the most flexible.

So a band 7 role and your husband working and you had to change jobs because you couldn’t afford childcare? What about your husband, could he afford it? Why isn’t it his responsibility to solve as well?

I was b7 and ft childcare was an expense but still manageable. On a single b7 salary probably not but on two incomes?

your post reads as if it was only you paying, your responsibility. Which is why I assumed you were single.

I don't think many parents have this disagreement because it is ridiculous. Whilst being dishonest, it's a sure-fire way to ruin your reputation at work.

If he wants less childcare, he should do a flexible working request for set shifts. You could also consider working flexibly e.g. less longer days, but you still need childcare or your DH available to look after your kids for all your working hours.

I would tell him where to go. You're not a skivvy or a robot.

Why would you agree to do the following in a 24 hour period?

• Work a full day's work.
• Look after the kids for all but a few hours.
• Do all the drop-offs, pick-ups and (I'm guessing) most of the chores and childcare.

It's a recipe for a complete breakdown.

Let me guess what he does when he leaves work. I'm guessing some combination of the following:

• Parks his bottom on the sofa in front of the TV.
• Goes out with friends.
• Does hobbies
• Potters around doing non-essential chores.
• Goes to the gym.
• Sleeps late because he's so "tired", leaving you to wrangle the kids.

And yet he wants to condemn you to a life where you're literally working around the clock, with your work cutting into your sleep.

Actually I don't think this is a joint decision. Tell him to take a hike.

What planet is he on. So unfair and disrespectful of your job, patients ,you and your employer. You need child care for the hours you are both at work plus travel time for who ever is doing this. It seems its always the man's job is inflexible and top priority no matter what it is and the mother gets to bend over backwards to pull it all in regardless of her role. I wouldn't entertain his rediculousness.