How did you work out childcare v working hours?

[Raindropsandroses123]

I’m due to go back to work from maternity leave in a few months and am currently working out childcare v working hours. I have a busy and demanding clinical role in the NHS, however it is flexible and I can wfh 2 days per week and can adjust my working hours around clinical work. However saying that, on certain days there is no flexibility and I have clinics to do. I am also quite senior so I can pretty much quite a lot of say in what I do throughout the day eg clinic timings etc. I work very hard and take immense pride and diligence in my work and patient care, probably to my detriment. However I really value motherhood and want to be present as much as I can. So I do want as minimal childcare as possible, as does my husband.

This is the sticking point…
my husband pretty much wants me to say to work that I’m working more than I am but actually work very minimal during the day so I can pick the kids up. For example on 2 days per week he wants me to actually say to work I’m working a full day but only actually do 2.5 hrs (maybe more in evening) as he wants me to drop the kids off then pick one of them up at 12!! I find this very dishonest but he says if I’m so efficient I can be the work done. I’m not that bloody efficient but also I need to be present. I also don’t want calls when I do have the kids. When I sign off work I want to be finished and not thinking about it when I’m with the kids. Also I find this plan incredibly stressful and would have to work when the kids are in bed, on top of doing housework, meals etc. we have 3 kids btw - all under 4.

I agree with my DH that the childcare has to be around my “9-5” working schedule as he works shifts and is only around a few days per week, when he’s around he plans to help “where he can”.

I want the kids in a little bit more childcare so I can get my work done but I’m trying to find a balance so both aren’t excessive.

This Is causing arguments.

Now my question is not about trying to find solutions about my working hours. It’s about how did you come to the conclusion of what working hours v childcare you have. Was it a joint decision? Was it led by the person who is around more and if so did they call the shots. Anyone in this situation at all?

AIBU? It’s a joint decision and he has as much say as me even though I’m doing the “leg work”?

YANBU? That my DH is calling all the shots but Im doing all the “leg work”?

If you are the primary carer it's your shout. Please don't lie to yoyr employer as he suggests, it's gross misconduct if you get caught and simply not worth it.
Husband should put in a flexible working request not to work shifts, or certain shifts.

i don’t get why all the childcare falls to her?

they’re his kids too, if they’re both working FT they should be sharing the childcare.

otherwise what’s the point of having him around? Ditch him and then you don’t have to deal with his shit as well, because I bet he doesn’t pull his weight on housework either.

when I worked shifts we had a full time nursery place. They only went in roughly 3.5 days as usually out of my 6 day rota I’d have a late (4-midnight) and one day off. Dh would do the childcare after 5pm and at weekends when I was working.

he had an “inflexible” job which wasn’t really. It was all male and they simply weren’t used to men leaving for nursery runs. After a few initial moans about “can’t your wife do it” and him pointing out his hours and work was still done and more than up to standard, they wound their necks in.

This is mental suggest he does it instead and gauge his reaction. He's basically saying his career is more important!

I do work full time and flexibly but so does my DH and both mostly from home. He works 4 days a week so has youngest, then 2 full days of nursery/after school club and 2 school length days. BUT I start work early and DH does drop off, I do pick up. Both of us have minimal lunch break and shorter days I have already done my hours those days (I start at 7).

We agreed it jointly, both of us do our proper hours and both of us do equal amount of drop off/pick up

If your DH thinks its possible to fit 8 hours of work into 2 or 3 presumably he can do that for his job as well?

There was no "how did you work out childcare hours" in our house. Its not hard maths to take your working hours and add on any commute time - the answer is how many childcare hours you need.

The squeezing around the kids - one way you could do this would be to work longer days on your non-WFH days and then to work shorter days (with management agreement) in order to collect your kids earlier from nursery on your WFH days.

Another way might be to compress hours to free up a day to be at home with them each week, or a half day, eg working 5 days in 4 or 4.5 days.

In terms of how other people reach an agreement - mostly, it involves discussing the finances, each person’s feelings about childcare (as well as cost and availability) working patterns, and what’s best for the DCs, and coming to a mutually acceptable conclusion. I know people who have had very strong feelings about what type of childcare they’re willing to use and for how many days, which is fine if both parties are on board but less so if not. I know couples where he expects her to pick up everything to do with the DCs but also match him earnings-wise - that’s not very realistic.

So if your DH has no constructive ideas on how to reduce the amount of time your DCs are in childcare for, without needing you to lie to your employer - well, I think you get the casting vote! Is it about the time in childcare or about the money?

Edited to add it’s worth considering whether WFH needs to be flexible or can be fixed days every week regardless of business need, if you’re intending to structure childcare arrangements around it. I would also be wary about making hours up in the evening even with management agreement with kids that age - you’ll be exhausted.

Of course you can't lie! Someone will definitely notice. There will be some emergency, they won't be able to get hold of you, and it will all come out!

The obvious solution is for your shift working partner to accept some responsibility and request a flexible working arrangement! It would be ideal if he were able to cover some days during the week reliably. That seems a much better solution than you endangering your professional reputation.

Thanks all, I’ll probably just reduce my hours. I can’t do everything.

you don’t need to? Why does he get to dictate what hours your child is in nursery and you have to change your working pattern to pay for it?

make sure he pays the difference in your pension contributions. And put aside savings to compensate for your likely loss in earning potential.

because this is a lose-lose for you. When you decide to ditch his lazy arse because you are doing everything, and is less work when he’s not around, or he fucks off with a younger model who doesn’t expect him to do his own laundry or care for his own kids, you are the one who’s screwed financially.

honestly, I’d reduce him and keep your hours. You’ll be better off. This is not equal parenting.

Wow! Are You just saying this to get a reaction? It’s like you have added 2+2 and got 5.

Your DH sounds like an absolute fool.

I worked for the NHS in a former life and I remember them making us all sit through a training session on Fraud as part of our induction. NHS trusts have entire teams of people dedicated to sniffing out and dealing with the kind of thing your DH is proposing. Not only is it grounds for dismissal if you're caught, you could lose your professional registration and even face criminal charges. I worked with someone who ended up being convicted for defrauding his NHS trust employer because he claimed to be working for them on days where he was actually working elsewhere. They take this sort of thing extremely seriously. Not to mention the fact that it's completely unethical.

You are both responsible for making decisions about childcare but he doesn't get to unilaterally decide that you are going to commit gross misconduct and fraud!

You need to find childcare for all the hours you're contracted to work. If you don't want to pay for FT childcare then put in a flexible working request and ask to reduce your hours.

My original question was not about how to work out my working hours. It was about how the decision was made together.
I'm fully aware of fraud issues and holding my own professional registration, hence why my husbands suggestions are not going to happen. I also value the safety of my children meaning I wouldn’t be working while my children are present. I also value my own MH.